It's time again for another episode of The Duffy Show, featuring none other than the Duff Man himself:
OH YEAH!
With Scott on vacation, Deputy Press Secretary Trent Duffy is responsible for all outgoing White House bullshit... which we feed into the Bullshit Detector, which gets a migraine a hundred Excedrin can't fix, and then churns out what you see below.
Press corps comments and questions are italicized for her pleasure.
Duffy's bullshit is thick and bold, like in real life.
Translations are in plain text, which I'm sure signifies something suitably profound.
And now... The Duffy Show!
Good morning. One update to the President's schedule to inform you about. The President, on Sunday, January 1st, will visit the Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas, where he will visit with wounded soldiers. We anticipate that most will be from Iraq. There may be others, and we'll update you on that at a future point.
He'll talk with these injured soldiers and then award some Purple Hearts. Then he'll tell them that if they ever run for President on the Democratic ticket, that these Purple Hearts are null and void, and were only for minor scratches anyway, and fraudulently awarded, and also that they will be mocked with little purple heart band-aids.
The President had his normal intelligence and daily briefings this morning
"bin Laden Determined To Strike the Mall of America on 12/29/2005 at 4:26 PM Using Suicide Bombers in Food Court, Camp Snoopy. They will be extremely suspicious and easy to identify, as they all be wearing Houston Texans t-shirts and really... come on." NOTE FROM CONDI: This is historical. Nothing actionable here. Move on and clear some brush.
and was out clearing brush.
The New York Times reports today that there are several legal challenges based on the NSA wiretaps. Are you concerned that these challenges could jeopardize the cases against people you guys have already described as very bad people?
Jessica, I think Attorney General Gonzales and General Hayden did a very thorough briefing about the legal underpinnings that the administration is basing this program on. I don't have anything to add to that. And we decline to comment on any pending cases, but I don't think it should serve as any surprise that defense attorneys are looking at ways to represent their clients; that's what defense attorneys do.
In fact, that's also what OUR defense attorneys are doing. But let me go back to something here. I want to reiterate and to stress again that we do not comment on pending cases or investigations. Okay? You all got that? Oh, and also Tom DeLay is innocent of all charges and is the target of a malicious prosecution; Jack Abramoff is a good guy who didn't do anything wrong; none of the Republicans accused of corruption are guilty; and Ken Lay is a good guy who did not defraud the American public. Next question please.
Changing topics, whatever happened with the Crawford jury duty, since we're here? Do you have any update on that?
The last I recall, the President's attorney was working to have that postponed until some later date. And I can see if there's any update on that. But I think it was -- I think they were looking for a postponement after a period of months, and perhaps years.
See, back in 1976, the president was involved in a little DUI. So in 1996, when he was governor, he was called in for jury duty for a DUI, which Alberto Gonzales had to get him out of. Which makes perfect sense, because it would be very bad form for Bush to serve on a jury in a trial for a crime he had also committed. But now Bush has a few more things under his criminal belt, so to speak... like murder, theft, fraud and torture. So basically it would be tough to find a jury Bush could serve on where he wouldn't be disqualified for having committed the same offense himself.
That same New York Times article says, there's consideration of filing criminal charges against President Bush, himself. Is he prepared to face any possible charges, and what kind of -- the White House must have some sort of reaction to the concern that this could bring this NSA issue into the court and open it up to all sorts of inquiries.
I'd just leave it just where I said, Jessica. The Attorney General, himself, the administration's top legal eagle, explained the legal underpinnings that the administration is basing this program on. And I don't have anything to add to that. We always decline to comment on pending cases. You're asking me to speculate about what may happen in the future, and that's another area where we shy away from.
Yes, we ALWAYS decline to comment on pending cases. Furthermore, we are working on a plan right now wherein Bush could combine his own criminal trial with his jury duty. Attorney General Gonzales, that "legal eagle" is going to try to get Bush to be the jury foreman at his own trial.
Are you making preparations in the Legal Counsel's Office to defend this in court?
I don't know how to answer that question. So I won't.
If, by preparations, you mean:
prep*a*ra*tions (prĕp'ə-rā'shəns)
n., pl.
Secretly using the National Security Agency to wiretap the offices of attorneys, judges, congressmen, and Senators in anticipation of possible criminal charges.
Then, yes, we're in the middle of intense preparations.
Do you think, though, that the lawyers -- or more specifically, their clients, have a right to know how their cases came to be, and if --
Dana, you're asking in the context of pending cases, and we're just prohibited from commenting on that. So speculating on pending cases is something we can't do.
What are you trying to get at, Dana? That people who are accused of crimes are supposed to have some kind of rights? I bet you're one of those mamby-pamby coddlers of criminals, like those wimps who wrote Amendments Four through Eight of the Constitution. Furthermore... dammit, you people! I thought I made it clear that we never comment on pending cases.
How long does the intelligence briefing take in the morning, roughly? And once that's done, is his presidential work done for the day? Is he taking calls of any kind? Is he still doing official reading, or is he on his own reading list, and is it on to pleasure reading after that briefing is over?
Each day is different, and each briefing is different. The briefings can take anywhere from one to two or three hours, depending on the subject matter. I don't know about today's briefing, which I read out, the duration of each. As far as the rest of his activities, the President is the President 24 hours a day, seven days a week, as we all know, wherever he goes. And as far as calls and other presidential activities, we would read those out as necessary and appropriate.
The length of time the intelligence briefing takes depends largely on whether or not the president reads it himself. If someone reads it to him, it can take anywhere from 20 minutes to upwards of 45 minutes. If the president reads it himself, it takes him anywhere from four and a half hours to whenever Secret Service agents discover him curled up in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing to himself.
Once that is accomplished, there is the monumental Presidential Duty of Clearing Brush.
After that, the president will retire to his private study, where he plays "Mario vs. Donkey Kong" on his Game Boy Advance reads the entire works of Heraclitus of Ephesos.
The President had, obviously, a bad couple of months. And I'm wondering how a vacation like this kind of plays into that? Is a vacation like this a time to reflect on the bad stuff that has happened in the administration? What function does a vacation have after just the spate of bad news, be it polls or just a whole variety of things?
Well, it might not shock you to hear we might have a different view.
Because as you all know, self-delusion has been one of our strong points.
The year ended on a pretty strong note, with 10 million Iraqis going to the polls and electing a permanent government.
While the Kurds prepare to capture Kirkuk and Mosul in the impending civil war, the Sunnis reject the vote, and Shiites backed by Iran came out big in the elections. I think we can chalk that up as a win.
We've got some extremely strong economic data and tremendous job creation for the American people. And as the President said, as far as the economy goes, the outlook for the economy is very strong and the horizon is very bright.
You know what else makes the horizon very bright?
I think the President uses this time, as many Americans do, to look back and to look forward, as we discussed yesterday.
But when he looks back and then looks forward too much, he falls off his bicycle, so he's got to be careful about that.
He does have the State of the Union coming up and he'll be thinking about what he wants to tell the American people as far as the state of the union and how it is strong. And he also uses the time to reflect.
Or at least, he tries to reflect. Truth is, mirrors haven't been showing his reflection lately for some weird reason.
So I guess that's how I'd answer your question.
Mind you that I am only guessing here -- I really have no way to be completely certain.
Does the President have any plans at all to address any of the folks who are protesting outside the ranch? And also, what would be his reaction, or is there any White House reaction, to their calling on him to reflect on his Christian faith in dealings in Iraq and in efforts to bring troops home?
The American people have a right to protest, and the right of free speech is something that we're fighting for in this war on terror, to preserve that right of free speech. So the President welcomes opinions from all Americans.
The president would like to address them in the following way:
Furthermore, I'd like to address the protesters who are trying to use the president's Christian faith as a way to get him to bring the troops home. I will quote from one of the president's favorite Bible passages.
Isaiah 2:4
Verily, I say unto you: Go forth, and slaughter the Iraqis - their wives and daughters, their fathers and sons. For truly thou shalt stayeth thy course, lest thine own slaughter be in vain.
And though the people shall rise up with one voice to denounce thee, thou must ignoreth them, for they hateth you for your freedoms.
Will his daughters be coming down for New Year's Eve?
I'll let you know. I don't know.
Probably not.
And can you give -- share with us his New Year's Resolutions?
I will see.
He and the rest of the Republicans in government are all taking the same New Year's Resolution: Stop Getting Caught.
I wanted any White House reaction on the Israeli Intelligence Agency's Chief assertion to the Knesset today, saying that Iran will have the capability to build a bomb in the next two years.
I haven't seen those comments. I think that the administration's views on Iran having a nuclear weapon are very well-known. We, along with the international community, believe that it is a terrible thing for Iran to develop a nuclear capability, and the United States is working with the international community to ensure that that does not happen.
We feel very strongly that countries with insane, idiotic, or religiously-whacked-out leaders should not have access to bombs capable of destroying the entire planet.
What is your reaction to the calls for re-run of the election in Iraq? And are you concerned that the Sunnis might not be willing to take part in the future government?
I think, so far, the views on the elections in Iraq have been very positive, both by the United Nations, as well as other observers. And so, at this point, I don't think anybody is suggesting that -- I don't think most are suggesting that there needs to be a rerun because it is the belief that the elections were fair. And that is our view, as well. We welcome the process underway to build a permanent government in Iraq, because that is part of the President's vision on the tracks that he laid out in the past few months, which is that Iraq needs to develop the durable, lasting institutions that will ensure its democracy.
The president believes two things. First of all, fuck legitimate elections. Secondly, if you're in the minority, then you don't get a say, so just sit down and shut up. I won with 51% of the vote? Well fuck all the rest of y'all, I have a motherfuckin' mandate!
Will the President be making any comments in San Antonio, or just privately visiting with the troops?
We'll let you know.
He'll be making lots of comments. Thinks like:
- "You lost your arm for freedom!"
SEE NOTE
"I bet that hurt when that happened."
"Being here among the troops reminds me of when I was a brave military pilot, defending the dangerous skies of Texas when I wasn't too busy running down to Tijuana to snort blow off the tits of a hooker!"
NOTE: Freedom not available in all areas. Not applicable to freedom of speech, freedom of press, freedom of religion, freedom to assemble, freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures, freedom to have speedy trial, freedom to have jury, freedom to have legal representation, freedom from cruel and unusual punishment, and others as determined by management. Freedom subject to change at any time.
Thank you. One programming note: I will -- I'm not planning to gaggle tomorrow, so we'll see you back here on Friday.
We have caught wind of some karateexplosions fellow on one of the Internets who is making fun of us. We are postponing our next gaggle until we can find a way to track him down and silence him.
Are you having fun?
I am having fun. I enjoy this.
I'm having a horrible time but I cannot allow anyone to smell fear on me, since I'm going to end up with this job when Scotty has his impending nervous breakdown.