From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Man, history sure is long-winded...
File today's incomplete C&J under "Poor planning." Last night we thought we'd put together a little retrospect of the year that is quietly dissolving into the pages of Wikipedia. So we visited the Nebraska salt mine where the Cheers and Jeers archive resides, and discovered 4 notebooks stuffed with a year's worth of this daily tripe (and, annoyingly, a bunch of salt). No way in hell were we going to be able to plow through it all and make it back in time for Whose Line Is It Anyway? reruns at 10. Let me put it this way: A year of C&J makes War and Peace look as thin as an Iraqi travel brochure.
So, upon reflection, we've decided that May through December was kind of---ehhh. It rained a lot and the Republicans lost their minds. Tell me something I don't know.
But January through April---that was a time. Remember, kids? Remember how Bush was going to "spend" his "political capital" on "private personal Social Security accounts?" Remember Bill Frist's video diagnosis of Terri Schiavo from the Senate floor? The Patriots winning their third Super Bowl? Yeahhhh. That's what I'm talkin' about, bay-BEE! So fix yourself a mimosa and some eggs benny (no rum & Coke until after noon, per my parole officer), and join us for the world's only Thirty Three and One-Third Percent of 2005 Flashback!
P.S. May we all enjoy good health, good times and sweet victories in 2006. Have a great weekend. Cheers and Jeers' Flashback...ashback...ashback... starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 30, 2005
Note: For smoothest transition into the new year, start writing "2006" on your checks today. Hugs, Heloise.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til 2006: 2
Number of TV repairmen in America in 1985: 45,000
Number today: Less than 8,000
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
Amount of precipitation in Portland, Maine in 2005: 67 inches
(Source: Our basement)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,416
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: New Year's Eve: He shoots... He SCORES!!
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2005: Four months that changed the world...
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January
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CHEERS to Juan + Juan = Uno. Spain's government says same-sex marriage there is A-OK. The Catholic Church, of course, has their brocade thongs in a twist over it. And some days that's all we need to make us smile.
JEERS to Homeland Hubbub. Bush to announce federal appeals court judge Michael Chertoff as leader of Homeland Security Department. Apparently he "helped craft the early `war on terror' strategy." Wow...I just rolled my eyes so hard it made a squishy sound.
CHEERS to Planet of the Apes. A federal judge rules that evolution stickers are unconstitutional in Georgia schoolbooks. A new sticker will read: "What part of FOSSILS don't you understand??"
JEERS to nincompoops in the hot seat. Condi "Dick" Rice, who, like the entire Bush cabinet, has botched almost everything she's touched, gets grilled today by a Senate panel in her quest to replace Colin "Laydown" Powell (sample questions here. Perhaps someone will ask why Bin Laden is still "determined to strike inside the U.S."
JEERS to Her and Him. Condi wins Senate approval (85-13) and becomes our new Secretary of Mushroom Clouds. Alberto Gonzales is approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee (along party lines, 10-8) to be America's first Torture Tsar, pending full Senate ass-kissing next week. I wonder if they got my good-luck gifts from Pottery Barn.
CHEERS to The Daily Show. For summarizing the White House's response to dissent thusly: Sept. 11 + X (where X = "whatever we say") = Shut the fuck up! I must suck at math because my answer always comes out "Bite me!"
JEERS to Bush's blather. In his inaugural bullshit speech, the president says our relations with "every ruler and every nation" will now be based on how they treat their people. Hear that, Saudi Arabia and Sudan? You guys are so...um...exempted.
CHEErrrrrrrrrs to Johnny! The King of Late Night is dead at 79. As long as Carson was hosting the Tonight show, everything was right in the world between 11:30pm and 1am. And bonus points for launching the careers of a thousand comedians. St. Peter's first words: "Do Carnac!"
CHEERS to Yankee wisdom. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe on CNN's `Inside Politics' Sunday: "The existing [Social Security] program, as it has been developed in the last 70 years, provides a stable monthly income that has prevented seniors, almost 50 percent from falling into poverty. I don't think we want to erode the principles of that system. I'm certainly not going to support diverting $2 trillion from Social Security into creating personal savings accounts." Not even if you and I---wink, wink---split it 50-50?
JEERS to John Ashcroft. With crocodile tears in his eyes, he bids farewell to his minions and soars on his eagle into the sunset. For the record, C&J thinks history will judge him as a lousy AG with little regard for privacy or freedom. But at least now Crisco can begin the arduous task of restoring its reputation.
CHEERS to election day. Under the constant threat of being blown up---and not even allowed to drive to their polling places---a higher percentage of Iraqis (60 percent by early estimates) turned out to vote than we did on November 2. But we have a good excuse...we're, like, busy and stuff.
CHEERS to January 31. It sure took long enough to get here. Between Bush's inauguration, the tsunami cleanup, 97 U.S. casualties in Iraq, a blizzard, Johnny's death, news of a record deficit and absent-mindedly writing 2004 on our checks, it's a wonder we're not all sucking our toes in a rubber room. At least someone had the good sense to follow it with the shortest month. Whoopdee Doodle Doo. (Hey, wait a minute...this isn't my toe...!)
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February
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CHEERS to backfiring bullshit. A new Democracy Corps poll reveals that, even when the term "personal accounts" is used, support for Bush's gutting of Social Security sinks like stone. That sound you hear is Bush's "political capital" going down the toilet.
CHEERS to the 55 crowd. Bush says he won't gut Social Security for anyone who's that age or older. Mad as hornets this morning: all the 54 year-olds.
JEERS to missed opportunities. Republicans smugly held up purple-stained fingers during Bush's speech to signify success in Iraq. Democrats should have been ready to respond with a sea of fingers stained with the real hallmark of the Bush years: red ink.
CHEERS to Patriots Fever. New England comes away with a 24-21 dynasty mandate. And now that we've earned our Super Bowl capital, we intend to spend it. On shirts, hats, mugs, towels, pompoms, underwear...
CHEERS to GannonGate. The conservative blogosphere had their fun with Dan Rather...now it's our turn as non-journalist Jeff Gannon gets outed...and ousted. John at Americablog poses a good question---what would the fallout be in the mainstream press over this if Clinton were still in the White House? And we thought Reagan was the Teflon President...
CHEERS to the Democratic Wing of the Democratic Party. Knock knock. Who's there? Howard Dean. Howard Dean who? Howard Dean, Chairman of the Freakin' Democratic National Committee, Baby!! Memo to self: breakdancing after 40 = Bad Idea.
JEERS to crying wolf, Part 39. Let's see. Bush is getting battered on Social Security. The Jeff Gannon story is nipping at his heels. His budget is causing an uproar. Iraq isn't getting any better and now we're playing a game of chicken with Iran and North Korea. Sounds like conditions are perfect for a...TERROR WARNING!!! Underwear on heads aaaaand...duct tape your family!
JEERS to protecting Goliath by taking away David's slingshot. President Bush will sign a bill today that makes it easier for companies to sell dangerous or unhealthy products without fear of class-action lawsuits. Coming soon from Mattel: Barbie's Asbestos and Lead Paint Dreamhouse.
CHEERS to the big surprise. Yesterday C&J won a Koufax Award for Best Series. I've waited 14 months to say this: I am Ashton Kutcher. And you've been Punk'd!!!
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March
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CHEERS to Dan Rather. The CBS stalwart hangs up his fuzzy anchor slippers after getting blogged to death last fall over "Memogate." C&J goes on record: he was an outstanding journalist with more guts than all the Fox airheads combined, standing up to hostile fire in Vietnam and hostile presidents in the West Wing. Too bad he committed the unpardonable sin of overstaying his welcome. Enjoy your frequency at the fishin' hole, Kenneth.
CHEERS to justice, served cold. Bernard "Dick" Ebbers, WordCom's "Telecom Cowboy," is found guilty on all charges, and may spend the rest of his life in prison. News reports say his face turned deep red when the verdict was announced. Not from embarrassment, but from being directly related to Satan. Have fun droppin' the soap in the big house, pal.
JEERS to March Madness. Paul "Dick" Wolfowitz gets appointed by President Bush to the post of World Bank President. But don't fret too much, gang...he promises he'll be greeted with chocolates and flowers. For REAL this time! Really!! Trust me!!
JEERS to meddling where you don't belong. GOP radicals in Congress crossed the line between the judicial and legislative branches last night by playing politics (and God) with Terri Schiavo. Why? Because she's in a permanent vegetative state. And they always rally to protect one of their own.
CHEERS to the...New York Post?? Yup, even the rabid right-wing media sees federal intervention in the Schiavo case for what it is: "...the idea of Congress convening a weekend session to push through a potentially precedent-setting law for one single individual, with little regard to the long-term consequences, is profoundly troubling. Political opportunism? No question about it." But don't get your hopes up...the Post'll be foaming at the mouth again tomorrow.
JEERS to Dad's army. What do you do if you're the U.S. Army and you don't meet your recruiting goals? Raise the upper enlistment age for the Guard and Reserves to 39, of course. New recruits will each get two holsters. One for their sidearm, and one for their jumbo tube of BenGay.
CHEERS to the evolution of outrage. Well, thank ya, Jesus! Science educators around the country---including the 55,000 member National Science Teachers Association---are fed up with the junk science being pushed on schools by right-wing radicals under the banner "Intelligent Design." So they're mobilizing like a swarm of hornets. May they knock the fundies all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
JEERS to freedom on the march bickering like an old married couple. In Iraq, the National Assembly kicked out the press and knocked out a live TV feed after it became obvious that their meeting was turning into a slap-around session. They'll try again this weekend. And this time the Sunnis will be armed with cream pies.
CHEERS to God's will. Jerry Falwell is in critical condition after apparently suffering a heart attack yesterday. Go ahead and blame the feminists and the gays. We'll be happy to take full credit for this one.
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April
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Top 10 Things I'm going to do when C&J premieres on the DailyKos Front Page next week [April 5th]:
10. Since "Bill in Portland Maine" is hard to pronounce, change my screen name to "Bill Gannon."
9. To cut costs, stop changing the air filters in the diaries section.
8. Slip "Koufax Award-winning" into every item.
7. Change underwear (it's that time of year anyway).
6. Make a horrendous encoding mistake, shutting down the site for 3 days.
5. Start interpreting the Bible literally. Everyone who deserves a stoning, gets a stoning.
4. Start enriching C&J with Vitamin C, folic acid and riboflavin.
3. Find out once and for all what the hell a "blog" is.
2. Walk up to Armando, press my finger into his chest and say, "I'm putting you on notice, cowboy."
1. Look you in the eye and say, "I told you it wasn't an April Fool's joke."
CHEERS to new beginnings. Didja hear? The Pope died Saturday at 84 (the press barely noticed). Now all eyes are on John Paul II's successor, and we hope it's someone with the courage to reconcile church doctrine with modern times. Which, in Vatican terms, means somewhere around 1810. You can do it, guys...it's only a 500-year leap.
JEERS to the company we keep. The Observer writes an update on the Iraqi spy---code-named "Curveball"---whom the GOP neocons embraced as a credible source for justifying the Iraq war (Link here). Man, what's this world coming to when you can't trust crazy drunken liars for intel anymore?
CHEERS to on-air eloquence. Speaking on the Al Franken Show Friday, columnist Eric Alterman says Bill Frist's widely-ridiculed `video diagnosis' of Terri Schiavo's condition probably killed his chance of becoming the `08 GOP presidential candidate. Alterman says people will remember that "He's not just a doctor...he's that doctor." Assuming they haven't yanked his medical license by then.
CHEERS to the perfect length. Tony Blair has asked the Queen for permission to dissolve Parliament, paving the way for new elections. Instead of our never-ending campaign cycle, the Brits will go to the polls exactly one month from today. Those poor blokes at "Thames Barge Veterans for Truth" won't have time to get their smear campaign out of the starting gate.
JEERS to the Washington Hillbillies. George W. Bush viewed the Pope's body yesterday and found him "not very talkative." Daddy Bush is there to keep his son from crawling on the furniture. Senate majority leader Dr. Bill Frist says he's sticking with his earlier video diagnosis that the Pontiff is just napping. Tom Delay's there, too, and you can bet your ass it's not on his nickel. But we're not complaining---at least they're all out of the country.
CHEERS to wedding bells. Charles and Camilla got married on Saturday. And now they're holed up in the honeymoon suite at the Sheffield Ramada Inn licking chocolate sauce off each other. But we were hauled off before we could see what they planned to do with the pineapple. Damn your efficiency, Scotland Yard!
JEERS to getting sick. Or having your house burn down. Or any other potentially money-draining emergency situations people encounter every day. In "the second major change in law to benefit business since Republicans increased their House and Senate majorities in last fall's elections," Congress passed the draconian bankruptcy reform bill yesterday, 302-126. To the 73 Democrats who voted for it, all I can say is: wedgies. Wedgies to you all.
JEERS to going off the deep end. Last week she was named one of "the world's 100 most influential people." Now bigoted, factually-challenged, constitution-shredding Ann Coulter gets the star treatment on the cover of Time magazine. They would've featured a liberal pundit, but I guess they concluded that people who tell the truth are just too boring.
CHEERS but more likely JEERS to the new old Pope. In a remarkably brief election process, 78 year-old German cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was selected to lead the Catholic faithful. His new name: Benedict "Benny" ExVeeEye. As cuddly as a board with a nail through it, but anyone missing a stern grandfather figure in their life is in luck. The new greeting: kneel...kiss the ring...pull the finger.
JEERS to dragging your knuckles. The bipartisan heads of the 9/11 commission say George Bush is moving too slow in protecting us from terrorist attacks. Hey, c'mon...stringing barbed wire and hiring night watchmen is hard work.
JEERS to wasting our wampum. The House and Senate passed a $2.6 trillion budget yesterday and it's classic GOP piggery: tax cuts for the rich, Medicaid cuts for the poor, drilling, drilling, drilling and guns, guns, guns. The silver lining: our party voted in lockstep against this nonsense.
CHEERS to understaying your welcome. The Simpsons airs its 350th episode on Sunday. Thankfully, creator Matt Groening says, "I think the show has almost reached its halfway point, which means another 17 years." Carry on, Springfield.
Happy New Year! Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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