Washington DC--After failiing to pass a constitutional amendment that would have prohibited desecration of the American flag, Republican Senators today proposed a new amendment aimed at banning the burning of apple pies.
"The apple pie is yet another national symbol that is desecrated everyday by burning," said Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), who faces an uphill battle for reelection this year. "Unlike flag amendment, where we had to make up a flag-burning epidemic because there wasn't one, there really IS an apple pie burning epidemic."
"Um, that last remark is off the record, OK?," added the Senator.
More on the anti-apple pie burning amendment on the flip.
"We came very, very close on the flag amendment, but we're confident we can win this one with votes to spare," said Montana Senator Conrad Burns, another
endangered Republican incumbent. "Unlike the flag, which a lot of people--mostly liberals and brown people abroad--don't really like, everybody loves apple pie; even liberals and brown people abroad like it. And our base will literally eat it up."
"Um, can you scratch that last comment?," added the Senator.
"Everyday, thousands of Americans burn apple pies. When they do, they not only desecrate a cherished American symbol, but they give comfort to our enemies, especially the terrorists. No wonder we're losing in Iraq--this pie-burning binge is hurting morale!" added Ohio Senator Mike Dewine, yet another endangered GOP incumbent. "Did I say losing?!? I meant winning...why we're not winning as quickly as we should be. Gimme that tape!"
"Frankly, I gotta question the patriotism of anyone who doesn't back this amendment--even if they're a Vietnam war hero, or a former secretary of the Navy under Reagan," said Virginia Senator George Felix Allen, Jr., who finds himself in a tough reelection battle against James Webb, a Vietnam war hero and former secretary of the Navy under President Reagan. When asked for comment, Webb said: "That draft-dodging pussy can kiss my decorated, multi-best-selling novelist ass."
"Republican incumbents are desperate," said a GOP insider. "They cooking up, so to speak, phony issues like this apple pie burning thing because they have no record to run on. It's just to rile up the base for the Fall."
To which this reported replied, "well, duh."
--Thanks to David Sirota for inspiring this diary.