I guess its good news. According to the Associated Press female gorillas go through menopause. However they only do it in captivity because in the wild they don't live long enough, or so goes the thinking in the scientific community. I'm thinking that in the wild the dominate male gorillas (called Silverbacks) probably send any females displaying the first signs of menopause next door to ask the hyenas for a cup of sugar or something, but that little trick doesn't work when the creatures in the enclosure next door are flamingos.
Why is this good news? Because it means we're not alone out there, boys. When your dear spouse awakens you tomorrow morning before dawn to expresses her doubts that your parents were ever married, remember that you are not alone. Next time you're sweating and sneezing because your lovely screaming bride of twenty-five years has cranked the heat up to 80 and opened all the windows and doors, you're not alone. Next time you come home to find your photo pinned to the kitchen wall with a butcher knife, you are not alone. Silver Backs suffer though the exact same experiences, except with bananas.
No wonder Gorillas don't speak - with at least one menopausal female in every troop, no matter what they say they're in trouble. Anybody know the suicide rate amongst Silverbacks?
And ladies, as you pass through the "change" you can also be comforted by knowing that you are not suffering alone. If that is a comfort. Next time you think your skin is melting know that female Gorillas are suffering those same heat flashes but while wearing gorilla suits. Next time your spouse says something outlandishly stupid like, "Good Morning, my love", remember you are not alone. Female Gorillas suffer the same thoughtless insults from their mates, but of course they have the ability to respond by throwing gorilla poop at them. And the next time your head tries to explode, remember that...well, that's pretty bad and I'm not sure anything would mitigate that symptom.
My question is why would female gorilla's have the ability - if you can call it that - to go through menopause if they do it so rarely in the wild, since until recently the wild was all there was for gorillas. What's the point? What would it matter? Is this some kind of divine punishment for female gorillas who outlive their reproductive years? What the hell could a bunch of big furry tit-ed herbivores have done to piss God off that much? They couldn't have eaten from the tree of knowledge, Gorillas don't know anything. They are incapable of inventing even something as simple and vital to their existence as toilet paper or Zanex. Okay, maybe they ate from the tree of knowledge on how to shit in the woods, but I don't think you actually need an entire tree to teach that.
Nope, forcing female gorillas go through menopause only in captivity seems very unlike divine intervention, to me. Maybe the cause is the more sophisticated diets of captive gorillas, maybe it's all those cornflakes and salad bars they eat that lets them live longer.
All I know is somebody is going to have to explain this to Koko, and it an't going to be me. Anybody know American sign language for "Please release my head from your anus"?