This is my first diary so if I'm a douche, just let me know.
Anyway, I thought the whole Gannon saga would lend itself to music quite nicely, so I wrote a few numbers.
This one is "Friend Like Me" sung to, uh, "Friend Like Me" from Aladdin.
All parts are sung by Jeff except:
When the chorus girls sing it's in bold
When the chorus girls sing with Jeff it's in bold italics.
Friend Like Me
Well Nixon had his Carl and Bob
And they threw Bill out to the dogs
But Scottie you're in luck, 'cause I'm just the schmuck
To steer you and Dubya through this smog
I can be your guiding light
Your buddy in a pressroom brawl
If Helen gets out of line, just give me the sign
And I'll tell them all,
Ladies-
Mr. Jeff Gannon, sir,
Choose a name or two or three
It's such a rush
To help George Bush
He ain't never had a friend like me
No no no
Scottie, I'm your best friend
Soon enough you'll see
Just don't reveal, my name's not real
You ain't never had a friend like me.
Yes sir, I pride myself on bias
Whether I'm Jeff
J.D. or James
I'll bow to you
Oh yes it's true!
I get all my news from Limbaugh!
Have some of Kerry's gay
Let's throw somethin' at Kennedy
J.D. is in the mood, for army dudes
But you'd never know it from Jeff G.
Can your friends do this?
GANNON AUDIO CLIP: First of all, I hope the grand jury didn't force you to turn over the wedding card I sent to you and your wife. [Laughter.]
Do your friends do that?
GANNON AUDIO CLIP: How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?
Do your friends pull this out their little hat?
GANNON AUDIO CLIP: Harry Reid was talking about soup kitchens!
Can your friends go poof!
Here's fifty bucks
Now give me my day pass, I passed my J-Class
You ain't never had a friend like me
So don't you sit there slack-jawed, Scottie-boy
I know you know the plan
Hit the airwaves, Wilson's wife is fair game!
Scottie, you're the man
I got a powerful urge to help you out
We can do this, just you and me
We'll take on Hillary, and then I'm sure you'll see
You ain't never had a friend like me
Mr. Jeff Gannon sir, choose a name or two or three
Show me a transcript, I'll show you'll some newsprint
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
Bush ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend like me
You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!
And, if you indulge me further, I also wrote the big finale.
INT. TALON NEWS MAIN OFFICE
Standing before his desk, a weary Bobby Eberle loosens his tie and clears a stack of clutter from in front the phone.
He stares for a moment, then picks it up and dials.
EBERLE
(to phone)
JD...Yeah, it's me Bobby. Look, I
don't really know how to tell you this
so I'll just say it. They know James.
They your about your name, the website...
They know everything... It's over James,
I'm sorry.
Eberle hangs up.
THE STAGE ROTATES.
Lights down.
For a moment, nothing. THEN-
A single spotlight on JEFF GANNON, who appears to be on some kind of platform, raised about 7 feet off the stage.
He is on his knees, praying, staring up into the heaven.
The opening of RENEGADE by Styx begins.
GANNON
Oh momma I'm in fear for my life for the long arm of the blogs.
More lighting reveals the HANGMAN.
He pulls Gannon to his feet, slips the noose around his neck.
GANNON
Hangman is comin' down from the gallows and I don't have very long.
The Hangman THROWS the switch and Jeff drops into the platform.
Fireworks EXPLODE on stage, the lights RAISE.
A door on the platform BLASTS open and GANNON, doing his best Mick Jagger strut, rushes the front of the stage and tears into the rest of RENEGADE.
GANNON
The jig is up, the news is out
They finally found me
The renegade who had it made
Retrieved for a bounty
Never more to go astray
The judge'll have revenge today
On the wanted man!!!
I'm thinking "Tony" guys.