Dear John Kerry:
You need more debate advice like I need an extra rectum (wrecked him? Damn near killed him!) So in the spirit of unnecessary orfices, I offer these three simple rules, which if followed EXACTLY to the millimeter without the slightest deviation, will yield a .01% jump in your favoribility ratings, GUARANTEED.
- BE YOURSELF.
- Don't be yourself TOO much.
- Don't debate.
(more...)
The best advice I have ever heard was from a stoned lesbian hippie who flunked out of NYU. She told me, "PBJ, You can get away with ANYTHING in this world, as long as it is organic." For a long time I thought she was talking about dirt-farming, but now I see she was in essence saying, Be Yourself. This has been my guiding principle and has carried me to...well, the middle I guess, 'cause I'm not on top of anything, but that's not the point. YOUR victory is, and being yourself is the ONLY way to beat Bush.
There's just one problem, voters don't like you. I think I know the reason you have trouble connecting. Mr. Kerry, you are known as a bit of a windbag, you use phrases like, "I tell you this...", and "My friends, I say to you..." -- that kind of stuff goes over great with Elizabethan English theatre goers, but falls a little flat with the hoi poloi here in the vast mosh pit of middle America. Your message is great, but gets lost in the mumbo-jumbo of Brahmin-speak which you learned (too well) in school. Look at your most successful moment in the debate with William Weld, perhaps the line that stalled his advance, and sealed your re-election in 1996: "I know something about killing. I don't like killing. I don't think a state honors life by turning around and sanctioning killing." The success of that line lies not with it's substance, which although admirable only jibes with some of the electorate, no, what makes this sentence perhaps the second best one you've ever uttered is that EVERYONE KNOWS it's from your heart, AND you used plain, simple words, and not too many of them. If you do that again this Thursday, you will CRUSH the false impression of you, as a flip-flopper, that the GOP has made your greatest weakness.
The other thing you must not do is DEBATE. In a "debate", you stand formally, address the camera, the moderator, or your opponent. You make arguments based on logic, fact, and appeal the the better intellect of those whom you seek to sway. Do that -- if you want to go down in history as a trivial footnote:
Contestant: "I'll take also-rans for $100, Alex"
Alex: "The Answer: This candidate opened the door for the coming of the Apocalypse by losing an election to George W. Bush"
Contestant: "Who is Walter Mondale?"
Alex: "Idiot."
As you can see, you the future is grim indeed. That is why you must not argue with George Bush. You can't win an argument with a drunk, everyone knows that, and trying to do so will only make you start sighing and rolling your eyes - you may be tempted to walk right up to him and puff up your chest. DON'T FALL INTO THAT TRAP!
How do you beat Bush? IGNORE HIM. Talk DIRECTLY to the people, the voters at home. Think of Vanessa, when she asked you as a child, why bad things happen to good people -- and answer your questions like you were talking to a smart, but naive child whom you love very much. Don't condescend, but don't use words we have to look up in the dictionary. You are a caring man, that is perhaps your greatest strength, and there is not an ounce of that in Bush. Caring doesn't mean crying, it means telling the truth. Caring means saying things straight and offering your help. By all accounts, the women in your life have loved you dearly, and if you can show the world the part of you that they have seen, you will bring women voters (and sensitive girly-men like me) firmly into your camp, and you will win. There is nothing you can do to win the Bubba vote, short of hitting George Bush over the head with a ladder or folding chair, so don't waste your time trying to out-macho the Texan. Just tell us the truth: be our nice Daddy who saved the hamster, and not our drunk, mean Daddy who beat the hamster to death and flushed it down the toilet, and then told us it ran away.
Good luck.