[Scene opens in a well-appointed kitchen: rich, deep red cherry cabinetry, pots hanging from rack in center of room over granite island, deluxe stainless steel appliances, coffee pot, toaster on granite countertops, flat screen TV hung below cabinets and above countertop. Digital clock on oven displays "8:15 a.m."]
[Late middle-aged woman, JILL Biden, shuffles into kitchen, dressed in thick white bathrobe and matching fluffy slippers, hair mussed, eyes barely open. She clicks on television. Tim RUSSERT flashes on the screen on the set of "Meet the Press" seated across from Senator Joe BIDEN.]
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[PRODUCTION NOTE: All RUSSERT and BIDEN exchanges are audio through television.]
RUSSERT: Our guest now is Delaware Democratic Senator Joe Biden. Welcome back, Senator Biden.
BIDEN: Glad to be here again, Tim.
JILL: [Shuffling across kitchen to coffee maker, over TV sound] Blah, blah, blah...
RUSSERT: Senator, Vice President Cheney has been quoted as saying the insurgency in Iraq is in its, quote, "last throes," unquote....
JILL: That idiot.
RUSSERT: ... been to Iraq, what's your take?
BIDEN: Now, I like Dick Cheney a lot, I really do...
JILL: You'd say that about Hitler had you ever met him. Christ...
BIDEN: ... Dick and I used to talk foreign policy late into the night over a bottle of single malt Scotch back when he worked for George H. W. Bush...
JILL: What kind of man would spend his free time with Dick Cheney rather than with his own family? What was I thinking?
BIDEN: ... and he's just flat out wrong, Tim. We need at least another 100,000 troops over there, pronto.
JILL: Bigger idiot.
RUSSERT: So you believe we should send more troops?
BIDEN: Tim, we...
JILL: [Pouring scoops of coffee into filter in coffee maker] God, look at those hairplugs. The top of his head looks like a Nebraska cornfield in August.
BIDEN: ... we can't lose this, Tim. Look, I like you. I like you a lot...
JILL: And I'm going to be sick. If unctuousness was an admired personality trait, I would have been First Lady years ago.
BIDEN: ... and that's why we must win this, Tim.
[JILL shuffles over to toaster, pulls a loaf of raisin bread from the bread drawer below the counter, and slips two pieces of bread into the toaster.]
RUSSERT: Any truth to the rumor that you will be a candidate for president in 2008?
JILL: Oh, shit, here we go again...
BIDEN: ... consult with my wife and family about the possibility...
JILL: My ass. My really fine ass. Like you care what I think.
BIDEN: ... will tell me what she thinks about that grind and whether or not...
JILL: When have you ever consulted me about anything? You haven't had a Sunday morning breakfast with me in ten years at least. Getting your smarmy mug all over the networks. That's piority numero uno for Joe Biden.
BIDEN: ... serving in the Senate since 1973 and my time on the Foreign Relations Committee and...
JILL: [Buttering toast] (In a mocking tone) "Look at me! Look at me! Look how smart I am! I know more than you!" Condescending prick.
RUSSERT: So that's a definite... maybe.
BIDEN: (Chuckling) Yes, exactly, Tim, and that's why I like you. I like you a lot. I really do.
JILL: Well, kiss him for christsake and get it over with.
RUSSERT: Senator Joseph Biden, see you again soon.
JILL: [Pouring herself a cup of coffee] Tim, you ninny, he'd be on your program every goddamn week if he had his way. He should be on your goddamn payroll for christfuckingsake.
BIDEN: Thanks, Tim. Nice tie. Really nice. Love it.
JILL: Slimy bastard...
[END]