As news of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's condition darkened, Pat Robertson, Christian conservative leader, former presidential candidate, and man-about-town, provided the comfort and guidance we so rely upon from our clergy: He reassured us that Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for the withdrawal from Gaza.
CNN quotes Robertson as saying, "He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America.'"
Robertson later responded to skepticism from the "America-hating U.S. 'News' Media," by insisting that God intervenes more often than we think, especially in issues of cultural balance or when there is a credible threat to the American way of life. "For example, the impending divorce of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. Woe unto any couple who blasphemes the blessed institution of marriage for fun and profit."
Other recent events cited by Robertson as examples of divine retribution include:
-The mental disintegration of Tom Cruise ("Woe unto any celebrity who promotes alternative religions!")
-The prosecution of Jack Abramoff ("Woe unto any lobbyist who buys a cruise ship with a casino!")
-The DUI charges against two cast members of Lost ("Woe unto any entertainer who tempts people from Wednesday night worship!")
-The lawsuits against Paris Hilton ("Woe unto any woman whose exposure of flesh creates hardships for married Christian men!")
-USC's Rose Bowl defeat ("Woe unto any wacko Southern California liberal team who dares to challenge the boys of God's Country!")
Personally, I am relieved to know that my potential for catastrophic illness is entirely under my control. All I have to do is live in accordance with the official positions of the Christian Coalition, and I can expect a long, healthy life, free from the fear of debilitating injury or such pesky annoyances as civil liberties.
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