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It's time for a brand-new edition of the Scotty Show!  And today's edition is definitely Scotterrific, so I want to get right to it.  But first, The Scotty Show has added a new feature:  If you want to be added to a "notify list" that will inform you immediately of a new edition of The Scotty Show, go ahead and send an email.  Several other reportedly cool kids are doing it, and I have it on good authority that it has changed their lives dramatically for the better!  Give it a try today!  We promise not to use the email addresses for anything except notifying you of new Scotty Shows and as a cross-reference for when we want to know who our true friends are when we conquer the world.

Press corps comments and questions are italicized for her pleasure.
Scotty's bullshit is thick and bold, like in real life.
Translations are in plain text, which I'm sure signifies something suitably profound.

And now...

Let me start with one announcement, and then I want to preview tomorrow's remarks on the economy. Later today the Department of Health and Human Services is going to be making available $733 million in low-income energy assistance, including $100 million in emergency contingency funds targeted to areas with the greatest needs. These are funds that the President signed into law as part of the Labor HHS Education Bill on December 30th. The high cost of home heating this winter mandates this special response to help low-income Americans heat their homes and provide for their basic needs. The President is pleased to be able to work with Congress to provide this important relief.



We're making important progress [on the economy]. Each year the President has been in office we have cut the growth of non-security discretionary spending; 2006 we proposed the most disciplined budget since Reagan was President.



A second aspect he'll talk about is making sure that workers have the skills and the job training that they need to fill the new jobs of the 21st century, particularly in our changing economy that we are in.

For more information, please click here or here.



Secretary Laird said, when he came out of the meeting this morning, that the President heard some things from the participants that he didn't like. What did the President hear that he didn't like today?

I don't know what he was referring to. You might want to ask what he was referring to. The President welcomed the opportunity to sit down with this distinguished group of Democrats and Republicans from previous administrations. I will tell you -- to give you an accurate picture of what took place in that meeting -- the President talked about how he wanted to hear from each of these leaders, that he valued their advice and ideas. And he talked about the importance of what we're working to achieve in Iraq and how that is important to helping lay the foundations of peace for generations to come, and the importance of spreading democracy.

So this was really an opportunity to update them on our plan for victory and the progress we're making, as well as to talk about the difficulties and challenges ahead. The President has talked often about how while we're making important progress, there are going to be tough days ahead.

I think it was something to the effect of, "Mister President, your foreign policy is the biggest clusterfuck I have ever seen in my entire life."  And when NIXON'S Secretary of Defense, who presided over Vietnam, says something like that, it does bad things to the president.  We can see this clearly from the extensive notes the president took during the meeting.  To wit:



So you were at the meeting, did you see any comments from any of the former Secretaries that the President didn't seem to like?

He appreciated the opportunity to sit down with them. I think they had a very open discussion about things, but for the most part, he heard constructive ideas that he appreciated hearing. I know there was one Secretary that talked about the importance of making sure the military is calling the shots, and that it's not being based on the political side here in Washington, D.C. Well, that's something the President has talked about often, that the decisions on the ground need to be made by our commanders on the ground. It's our military leaders who are in the best position to make the decisions about troop levels. And they understand the mission. They understand the stakes involved, and they know what they need to complete that mission.

He heard about some ideas on the formation of helping the new government be an inclusive one that represents all Iraqis. He heard some appreciation from these -- I think a number of these leaders, if not all, that they appreciated the speeches the President has been giving, talking to the American people about our plan for victory and making clear to them the challenges and difficulties that lie ahead, and doing so in a very open and candid way. And they encouraged him to keep doing that.

And one of the leaders, one of the Secretaries, former Secretaries at the end, I think summed it up -- and everybody seemed to nod their heads -- said, "Thank you for bringing us here. I can't recall another time when a President has done something like this."

ABBREVIATED TRANSCRIPT OF MEETING
as retold by Scott McClellan

THE GLORIOUS KING BUSH:  Okay, guys, I brought you here to talk about the Iraq war.
DEF. SECRETARIES:  You are truly a wise leader.
THE GLORIOUS KING BUSH:  Thank you.  The Iraq war is going swimmingly.  Our plan for victory is on track and everything we are doing is working perfectly.  Now I would like to hear your opinions.
DEF. SECRETARY #1  Well, sir, I think that American forces should stand down as Iraqi troops stand up.
THE GLORIOUS KING BUSH:  Excellent.  Who else?
DEF. SECRETARY #2:  We must stay the course.  Timelines would only embolden the enemy.
THE GLORIOUS KING BUSH:  I agree.  Next.
DEF. SECRETARY #3:  Democrats hate the troops and want to help the enemy with their "cut and run" strategy.
THE GLORIOUS KING BUSH:  Yup.  
DEF. SECRETARY #4:  And I think it's very important that you continue to give speeches that say nothing new and just vaguely promise victory while giving no indication you actually have an actual plan to accomplish that.  
THE GLORIOUS KING BUSH:  I'm a step ahead of you there.  Well, if there's nothing else, I guess we'll adjourn.  That means, end the meeting.  Heh heh.  I like to call it "adjourning".  
DEF. SECRETARIES:  We all love you sir!



Scott, former Prime Minister -- or former Secretary Eagleburger said that Prime Minister Sharon's stroke was a disaster for the peace process. Does the White House agree with that assessment?

Well, first of all, Terry, let me make clear a couple of things, this is a time to keep Prime Minister Sharon in our thoughts and prayers. And that's what we are doing. We pray for his recovery, and we will continue to keep our focus there. I think Secretary Rice, earlier today, made very clear that the desire for peace in the Middle East is wide and deep within Israel and within the Palestinian Territories. And in terms of the situation right now, we continue to stay in touch with the government of Israel and we pray for Prime Minister Sharon.

Well, even if this sets the peace process back, the White House hesitates to describe it as a "disaster".  We would term it as a "Rapture-Accelerating Event".



What impact do you think this has had on the peace process?

Again, Terry, I think this is a time to keep our attention where it should be, which is on the health of Prime Minister Sharon. The President is concerned about his health situation. He had a good discussion with Secretary General Annan earlier today on some other matters, and they talked about their shared concern for Prime Minister Sharon's health. He is a courageous leader who has taken some bold steps to help advance peace in the Middle East. But the desire for peace is strong in the region and it is wide and deep, as Secretary Rice indicated.

We can't possibly know that right now, but it's important to not second-guess God's decision to smite him.



Were you able to find out whether Abramoff was part of the transition team, and in that respect, had any relationship to the Interior Department?

In terms of any individual agency, I think you'd have to go and check with the people who were involved in that transition. In terms of the overall transition effort, I mean, we had an office that was running -- I was very involved in that effort -- and he wasn't a member of the staff of any of the transition team here in Washington, D.C. But in terms of --

I'm sorry, Abramoff who?  The president does not know of anybody by that name.



Does the President think that 120 people dying [in one day] in Iraq, after we're nearly three years into this war, is tolerable?

The Iraqi people, Helen, have shown time and time again that they want to live in freedom. I think it's important to look at what took place in December. There are terrorists and Saddam loyalists --

And this war is helping ordinary Iraqis live in freedom.

As long as you don't define "live", say, the way the dictionary does:

live (lĭv)
v. intr., lived, liv*ing, lives.

  1.  To be alive; exist.
  2.  To continue to be alive.



Why are we there? Why are we killing people there?

-- there are terrorists and Saddam loyalists -- because we're transforming the Middle East, and that will help us lay the foundations of peace for generations to come.

And everybody knows that the key to laying foundations for peace is to kill the everlasting fuck out of people.



-- didn't ask you to do that, their country.

We were attacked on September 11th and --

I think everybody recalls that tragic day just a few short years ago, when Saddam Hussein climbed aboard a 747 and crashed it directly into the World Trade Center.  And then all the other citizens of Iraq climbed aboard another 747 and crashed it into the Pentagon.  Those crazy Iraqis.



We were not attacked by Iraqis.

I don't think we ever said we were.

SCOTTY SHOW FLASHBACK!!
01.04.2006

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, your implication is certainly that.
HELEN:  In this case, there have been several --
MR. McCLELLAN: That's your implication. No, that's your implication.

But what we learned on that day was that this is not a law enforcement war we're engaged in. This is a war about the safety and security of the American people. It's not a law enforcement matter. It's a war. We are a nation at war. And this is a comprehensive effort that we're taking. We're not ignoring threats. We are confronting threats before it's too late. And that's what this President will -

We are killing Iraqis because they were behind 9/11!!!  Oh, I mean, they had biological and chemical weapons.  All right, all right... it's because of the mushroom cloud over New York City.  Uh, we are liberating the Iraqis from a regime that tortures them?  



You had none from Iraq.

-- that's what this President will continue to do because he knows his most important responsibility is protecting the American people. And spreading democracy in the broader Middle East is vital to our own nation's --

La la la... Can't you see I'm in the middle of a talking point here?



Don't do it by attacking an innocent country.

-- vital to our own nation's security. And the Iraqi people have shown they are deeply appreciative of the efforts that we have undertaken to remove a regime that was a threat and a destabilizing force in a dangerous region of the world. And we are going to change a troubled region for the better, and it will help lay the foundations of peace for generations to come.

MATH QUESTION:  How many of these does it take to build a foundation of peace?



Can you also explain something about -- you often say the Iraqis are in charge, or that's up to the Iraqis. How far does that go? I mean, are they in charge of --

It's a sovereign nation.

They are in charge of doing as we tell them to.



But they make the decision, all the decisions.

It's a sovereign nation. We work in partnership --

They make the decision to do what we tell them to.



Detainee policy, on anything.

Well, I think we're working in partnership with this, and certainly we're helping in assisting them on those efforts. And I think that they appreciate the job that our men and women in uniform are doing, and they respect the advice that is given by our military commanders on the ground.

Okay, let's make this clear.  We're in charge of detainees and the torturing thereof.  We are also in charge of the war and anything related to the war and military affairs.  As well as being in charge of all economic decisions.  And all foreign policy decisions.  And anything having to do with the political dynamic of the surrounding region.  And we're also in charge of commerce.  And don't forget the oil wells.  Oh, and also the Iraqi media.  We're in charge of that too, as well as immigration and border control.  We're also in charge of the interior ministry and any infrastructure repair contracts we need to kick Halliburton's way.  But if Allawi wants to declare tomorrow "National Iraq Day", he can do that with his sovereign powers.  His powers for declaring official Iraqi holidays, dedicating building sites, and appearing at sporting events is unmatched within the sovereign nation of Iraq.



Did any of the former Secretaries raise any questions about the use of the NSA spy program, since they would all have --

No, wasn't discussed in this meeting.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!  Cut his mike!



Not in any way?

Not in any way.

Thanks to extensive transcripts of conversations that the NSA has collected, we are already well aware of their positions on the spy program.



Any update on the Abramoff visits to the White House beyond the three parties that he attended?

Well, I indicated yesterday that I think there were some -- a few staff-level meetings. But, no, I'm making sure that I have a thorough report back to you on that. And I'll get that to you, hopefully very soon.

Abramoff... Abramoff... I'm sorry, I just can't place that name at all.



Scott, is it possible to, nevertheless, keep Sharon in our thoughts and prayers but comment on the peace process and its future at the same time? Can't those things happen simultaneously?

Well, I think I did make a general statement about the commitment to peace in the Middle East.

We took a bold, courageous, and principled stand when we said, "We are committed to peace in the Middle East."  Now, we know that our groundbreaking position in favor of peace might be a bit controversial, but we felt we should take that political risk.



But in a more specific way, in terms of if he is incapacitated and what his incapacitation would mean?

Yes, I'm not -- I don't think it's appropriate to get into those discussions at this time. What's important is to keep Prime Minister Sharon in our thoughts and prayers right now.

It means that we're all about to get Raptured.  Right..... NOW!  Um... NOW!  .... (long pause)... NOW!



You said that threats need to be confronted. If Iran doesn't listen to the Security Council, what options are left?

The President has talked about this in the past, and we've talked about it in the past. We continue to support the efforts of the European-3 to resolve this in a diplomatic way. But if the negotiations come to an end and it becomes clear, then the Security Council is something that the international community is prepared to refer the matter to.

I don't think you fully appreciate the nuances of United States foreign policy.  Threats that don't exist -- like Iraq's weapons of mass destruction program -- those must be confronted immediately.  We will bring the full force of the US military to bear against imaginary threats.  However, real threats, like the nuclear capabilities of North Korea and Iran... those threats must be confronted... by other people.



Scott, some of what you're saying sounds an awful lot like the preamble to Iraq.

No.

I SAID WAR!  
Huh!  
Good God, y'all!
Who is it good for?

Say it again.



So how long do they have?

The President -- remember, the President has talked about this. Let's go back to what the President has said. It's not the same as -- it's not the same as Iraq. The President said that in Europe.

It's totally different, in that Iran might actually BE a threat to peace, while Iraq really wasn't.



Scott, a two-part. Does the President believe that the nation, and especially West Virginia, deserve a real apology from the Associated Press and other old big media who reported those coal miners were alive?

Les, I think it was a very heart-wrenching experience for the families and the community in West Virginia with the confusion that occurred and the communication the other day. The families of those who lost their lives remain in our thoughts and prayers. Our hearts go out to them. There is an investigation that has been launched by the Mine Safety and Health Administration, and one aspect they'll look at is the communication and what happened with regard to that. And I wouldn't want to draw any conclusions.

Everyone in this administration believes that it is important that the media spends a maximum amount of time focusing on how they reported the story incorrectly.  We also think there should be very little focus on how, if this administration wasn't in bed with the coal mining industry, they might have continued the Clinton administration's policy on strict enforcement of mining safety regulations which in turn might have prevented the media from having a story to get wrong in the first place.



Yes, but my question is, does he believe that the AP and other old big media should apologize?

I'm not drawing any conclusions, Les. You're trying to get me to draw conclusions.

No, that might bring the focus back on the 273 safety violations that the Sago mine managed to pile up while this administration had its lips wrapped around the mining industry's cock.



Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt has gone without food for two weeks in his protesting of the Navy's ordering him not to mention Jesus in public prayer. He's hoping for an executive order. Does the President believe that the Navy should engage in this suppression of the First Amendment's guarantee of the free exercise of religion?

Well, the President believes strongly in the free exercise of religion. And he believes that it's important that our military personnel be able to freely express themselves --

We continue to strive for a religiously-motivated military force.



Will he order them, in an executive order?

-- to religion. And we value the contributions of our military chaplains to our men and women in uniform. And we're committed to safeguarding the ability of people to freely express their religious views.

Les Kinsolving:  Determined to put the "Jesus" back into "Jesus Christ, what a fucking nutjob."



When did he issue an executive order --

Let me make clear --

Your doctor prescribes your medication for a reason, Les.



Isn't he going to do that, as Commander-in-Chief?

I'm not talking about any specific matter, but I'm talking about the principles and what we're committed to doing.

In a perfect world our whole military would be a big group of guys who are all willing to die for Jesus.  We're just trying to ease them into it slowly, Les.



Scott, a few days ago, conservative columnist Paul Craig Roberts had a column where he compared the administration's use of September 11th with Hitler and the Reichstag fire as a blanket cover for extraordinary measures. Now, this is coming from a conservative columnist; this is not Nancy Pelosi. Doesn't this concern you that these kind of reactions have come up especially with all the revelations about the NSA and spying?

I haven't seen his column -- I haven't seen his column. But what -- your characterization I would reject wholeheartedly.

That is an outrageous claim!  Outrageous!  Completely beyond the pale.

Look for yourself at how wrong that comparison is:






On the economy, you said the President will be addressing the deficit as one of the areas tomorrow. I was wondering, besides the short-term deficit, will the President or Cabinet officials be addressing their concerns over a long-term deficit? [... I]s there any concern, though, about the long-term deficit from making tax cuts -- particularly the alternative minimum tax -- permanent after 2009, and the effect that could have on the deficit?

Well, I've expressed our views on the alternative minimum tax, and we've also talked about our commitment to tax reform, as well. And that's something that we have been looking at, and that the Secretary of Treasury is looking at now.

We believe that we can sufficiently screw old people, children, impoverished families, veterans, young couples, teachers, policemen, firefighters, libraries, public radio and television, the environment, college students, enlisted military, sick people, and the injured or otherwise disabled to offset our tax giveaways to the rich and the upper middle class.  That's our position.


Originally posted to karateexplosions on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:22 AM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  *snerk* (4.00)
    I will tell you -- to give you an accurate picture of what took place in that meeting -- the President talked about how he wanted to hear from each of these leaders, that he valued their advice and ideas. And he talked about the importance of what we're working to achieve in Iraq and how that is important to helping lay the foundations of peace for generations to come, and the importance of spreading democracy.

    So this was really an opportunity to update them on our plan for victory and the progress we're making, as well as to talk about the difficulties and challenges ahead. The President has talked often about how while we're making important progress, there are going to be tough days ahead.

    So they got to hear the president talk.  Yay.  Why didn't he just sent them a video of himself talking?

    Good government is a self-fulfilling prophesy. (-4.88, -5.74)

    by sagra on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:26:28 AM PST

    •  They might sleep through it. (4.00)
      Sample of Dear Leader's spellbinding oratory here.
    •  P.S. (4.00)
      Bravo for the Scotty Show!  The Bush Hitler table was wonderful!

      Good government is a self-fulfilling prophesy. (-4.88, -5.74)

      by sagra on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:39:08 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  9/11 - "How Conveeeeeenient!" (none)
        (speaking of Hitler and Reichstag)

        9/11 was such a great gift for the neocons. You would almost think they had something to do with it.

        Remember this chilling quote?

        "...the process of transformation, even if it brings revolutionary change, is likely to be a long one, absent some catastrophic and catalyzing event - like a new Pearl Harbor..."

        That's from Project for a New American Century's white paper, Rebuilding America's Defenses. The neocons published it during the Clinton era before their rise to power (way before 9/11), addressing their desire to transform the military and establish "democracy" in the Middle East.

        http://www.newamericancentury.org

        A new Pearl Harbor.  A new Reichstag.

        And, by the way, it seems they let Osama get away!  Well, isn't that special!

    •  Because (4.00)
      ...they couldn't because that video of him reading My Pet Goat has mysteriously disappeared...

      It is amazing how much can be accomplished when you don't care who gets the credit - Harry Truman
      PoliticalCompass Scale: -2.13, -2.97

      by floundericiousMI on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:59:09 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  It's Like Opera (none)
      You really don't understand what the style is about till you hear it in the theater it's meant for.

      We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy....--ML King, "Beyond Vietnam"

      by Gooserock on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 10:31:09 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  So Godwin is dead (4.00)
    Wounded by the Press Corps mentioning the Reichstag Fire, and CROAKED by Karateexplosions' nifty chart.

    Most excellent as usual.

    Tell me, is Melvin Laird insured?

    The Perfect is the Enemy of the Better

    by dabize on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:28:02 AM PST

  •  Gotta say, I hope Shinseki... (4.00)
    was listening in when Scotty ripped off this little gem:

    "Well, that's something the President has talked about often, that the decisions on the ground need to be made by our commanders on the ground. It's our military leaders who are in the best position to make the decisions about troop levels. And they understand the mission. They understand the stakes involved, and they know what they need to complete that mission."

    I've gotta say, I tend to give Scotty more credit than most people on here because, honestly, it's gotta be hard to talk outta both sides of your mouth when you're nothing but a puckering anus from the neck up.

  •  I wish I was brave enough (4.00)
    to put up your Hitler/Bush chart in my cubicle.  Freakin' hilarious!!!

    Keep up the good work! I look forward to the Scotty Show every day.

    "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" --Ralph Waldo Emerson (Hear that, George??)

    by still small voice on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:40:01 AM PST

    •  You Must be Under 50 (none)
      You'll be downsized or age-sized when you are.

      Then if you're talented enough at entrepreneurship to avoid being a checkout bagger, your own house will be your cubicle and you can put up everything you want.

      We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy....--ML King, "Beyond Vietnam"

      by Gooserock on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 10:36:13 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  As God is my witness (4.00)
    Why, whenever I see the questions by that guy from World Nuts Daily, I think of this guy...

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/...

  •  Thanks for this public service... (4.00)
    ...there are few with a stomache strong enought to listen to this on a daily basis.  Thanks for continuing to translate.  

    Thanks also for keeping the tragedy of this administration front and center, in a graphic way.  While I laugh out loud at the translations and helpful charts & graphs, it's important to remember that these criminal, morally bankrupt, idiots, cause real little girls, missing body parts and bleeding, to be carried away by real dads who love them.  And, appropriately, hate us.  

    Do not be overwhelmed by the enormity of the world's grief...You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

    by Albatross on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:43:23 AM PST

  •  Loved the Checklist (none)
    Loved your Hitler-Bush Checklist.  Very funny.  

    "Rick Santorum is Latin for Asshole."

    by tmendoza on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:44:35 AM PST

  •  Now you've done it! (4.00)
    That Hitler/Bush chart officially makes you an Amerikun' hating terr'rist! You're on the no-fly list, probably already have an illegal NSA wiretap & you'll soon be audited by the IRS! But don't worry I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Like Sharon & the 12 dead miners!;)

    Scotty isn't the only empathetic lying asshole!

    Excellent diary- still laughing!

    Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought- John F. Kennedy

    by vcmvo2 on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:48:29 AM PST

  •  Scotty - MST3K (4.00)
    Alright, trying again...had difficulties yesterday but lestatdelc helped bigtime with hosting the image! :-)

    It is amazing how much can be accomplished when you don't care who gets the credit - Harry Truman
    PoliticalCompass Scale: -2.13, -2.97

    by floundericiousMI on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:50:31 AM PST

  •  I love Your Hitler/Bush list (none)
  •  First time Scotty Show reader! (4.00)

    Dude, very entertaining read, and I love the visual aides! You can be sure I'll be back for more.

    Lincoln Chafee is NO John Chafee - Sheldon Whitehouse for Senate 2006!

    by Scoopster on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:52:10 AM PST

  •  Free will reigns! (4.00)

    It's a sovereign nation.

    They are in charge of doing as we tell them to.

    Funny.  That's how I run my house.  Everyone is free  to make the decisions I tell them to make.  

  •  Brilliant! (4.00)
    I know there is a book deal in your future. The Scotty Show makes my afternoon a bit more tolerable. Thank you very much.

    -7.38, -5.23 One day we ALL will know the truth about the 2000 presidential election. God help us all.

    by CocoaLove on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:56:35 AM PST

  •  Scottyisms (4.00)
    The President expressed his views on this diary previously, and I believe the American people aren't interested in reading it in light of September 11. We are a nation at war.

    2006 Dem predictions: +2 Senate, +7 House, +5 Governorships, +2 State Legislatures

    by XStryker on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:58:58 AM PST

  •  You are killing me (none)
    Thanks!

    Republicans to Americans: "Are there no prisons?...And the Union workhouses?...Are they still in operation?"

    by adigal on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 11:59:02 AM PST

  •  geezuz (none)
    this is some seriously funny shit. I thought my diary on how bloodsucking circumcisions transmit herpes to babies was funny (funny weird) but this is REALLY funny.

    sign me up dude...I am on board with this shit.

    Treason's Greetings from Karl Rove and Scooter Libby: Merry Fitzmas and Happy New Smear

    by seesdifferent on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:00:02 PM PST

  •  Great as usual (4.00)
    The Hitler Bush chart is priceless, but I also enjoyed this:

    Did any of the former Secretaries raise any questions about the use of the NSA spy program, since they would all have --

    No, wasn't discussed in this meeting.

    Shut up, shut up, shut up!  Cut his mike!

    Not in any way?

    Not in any way.

    Thanks to extensive transcripts of conversations that the NSA has collected, we are already well aware of their positions on the spy program.

    Sometimes you cover your ass with the lame excuses you have, instead of the lame excuses you wish you had. (-3.00, -5.49)

    by litigatormom on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:01:22 PM PST

  •  Les Kinsolving? (none)
    Who is this butt-munch?  Jeff Gannon/Guckert's replacement?

    Remember when we were against torture, before we were for it?

    by pshaw on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:05:16 PM PST

  •  Terrific! (none)
    Best Scotty Show yet, imho as a new-ish loyal reader.  Keep 'em coming!
  •  Dude, (4.00)
    I thought nothing would top that logic-o-meter from yesterday. But your checklist between hitler and Bush is tops.

    Great job

    It's nice you finally came around, although I still question your intentions.

    by NeoconSemanticist on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:09:22 PM PST

    •  My husband watches a lot of the History Channel (none)
      and they've been running an awful lot of Roman emperor and Hitler biographical stuff lately. Not general war or Roman empire stuff, but specifically on those people.

      Think they're trying to tell us something? ;-)

  •  Fav (4.00)
    Scott, former Prime Minister -- or former Secretary Eagleburger said that Prime Minister Sharon's stroke was a disaster for the peace process. Does the White House agree with that assessment?

    Well, first of all, Terry, let me make clear a couple of things, this is a time to keep Prime Minister Sharon in our thoughts and prayers. And that's what we are doing. We pray for his recovery, and we will continue to keep our focus there.

    Praying is such a wonderfully effective foreign policy tool.  That is certainly where the focus needs to be.  Consequently, I heard Peter Kenyon on NPR say that Sharon aids are going forward as if Sharon will not be able to come back to office.

    Keep your constitution close my friends, and read it daily.

    by smokeymonkey on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:17:27 PM PST

    •  BREAKING111 (4.00)
      It was announced today that there has been a major development in the Arms Race between Bhutan and Nepal.

      Bhutanese spokesmen confirmed that a massive prayer wheel project is underway on the northern border. Reports that Bhutan obtained nuclear technology from Pakistan to turn the entire vast prayer wheel farm were denied. The intense power of prayer produced in this manner is compelling, and we can only hope the Bhutanese have the best interests of the world at heart.

       

      "The pen is mightier than the sword, but only at a range of greater than five feet" Malaclypse the Younger

      by buhdydharma on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:03:07 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  what a hoot (4.00)
    If I knew how to rate this, i'd give you a 4.  You've made my day.
    •  It's called.. (none)
      ...the "tip jar"

      Look for a post by karateexplosions and give him/her a '4' rating in that post..it'll suffice :-)

      It is amazing how much can be accomplished when you don't care who gets the credit - Harry Truman
      PoliticalCompass Scale: -2.13, -2.97

      by floundericiousMI on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:39:30 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Brilliant! (4.00)
    My position is: you are performing a valuable service here and you should not and will not stop! That's my position regarding this and I think I've said this before.

    Honestly your Hitler vs. Bush chart was too much. You should join Jon Stewart's show and he'd be even more popular.

    Seriously, this satire is so needed and dead on. You have captured the absurdity of our reality with Bushco. Your last paragraph is so true and sobering when put in these stark terms.

    I'll be an avid reader from now on.

  •  i wasn't disappointed (none)
    had to read the whole thing in stolen glances during a mtg at work. so worth it.

    I re-did my website! See how pretty DailyGranola.com is now.

    by OrangeClouds115 on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:31:59 PM PST

  •  ooo, ooo...idea! (none)
    i think there could be lovely subversive activism points for someone with gaggleroom access to print this off and distribute to the gaggle as the funnies of the day...cause we know they won't come lookin' on their own.

    i'm sure Helen would LOVE it! ;)

  •  This is my first stop (4.00)
    Right after coming home from work, usually. It makes the day brighter. Your Bush/Hitler chart begs to be widely disseminated; can I quote you at my blog?

    Also...I'm worried that Puffy will go lock himself in a room one day and unload a pistol into his face. As long as he promises to videotape the event, I'll stop worrying.

    "As a woman, I have no country. As a woman I want no country. As a woman my country is the whole world."

    by MissAnneThrope on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:38:31 PM PST

  •  OK, I can't take it, (4.00)
    given the possibility that if I give you my e-mail (and I threatened to rip out your gall bladder)and you put me on that nasty JT Impeach thingie, it's worth it.
    I haven't laughed so much - well - since I saw George Carlin live.

    "Trying to make it real compared to what." Gene McDaniels/Les McCann

    by Sprinkles on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:40:09 PM PST

  •  Dang! (4.00)
    I live in Alaska, and am about to leave for 10 days in Hawaii?  So what's my fucking problem?  I'm hooked on the Scotty Show, that's what!  

    "Don't blame me, I voted for the smart guy."

    by frsbdg on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:40:48 PM PST

    •  Hey, I know how you feel (none)
      I'm going on a cruise next week, and trying to figure out if I can afford to sneak off to the computer center to get my Scotty Show fix...

      I'll let my mailbox fill up, work can manage for themselves, but don't cut me off from dKos and the Scotty Show...

      •  oh what a pity (none)
        Hawaii and luxury cruises are such annoyances, really. We would (if we were really nice) think of you while you're missing out on the Scotty Show and the all the hot topics about rethugs, but we won't... neener neener neener
  •  Karate (4.00)
    You have now officially earned a 42nd-dan black belt in the ancient art of Snark Fu.
  •  I liked this better (4.00)
    When it was called "Holdens Obsession with the gaggle" over at first-draft

    Impeach Gary Bettman

    by Edanger6 on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:41:06 PM PST

  •  Shameless Testimonial: (4.00)
    -

    "Once it became clear that The Scotty Show made Cheers and Jeers look like a '50s VD training film, Bill in Portland Maine retreated into a booze-soaked seclusion, venturing out only to pee on the side of the Midas Muffler shop next door on account of his growing fear of indoor plumbing."

    -

    Judge me on the content of my character, not the diaper on my head.

    by Bill in Portland Maine on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:43:41 PM PST

  •  Small quibble (4.00)
    If you count Goldschlager, Loewenbrau, and Jaegermeister Chimpy should get at least a half-check in the "Speaks German" box.
    •  now, now, give credit properly... (none)
      ..at least on the jaegermeister...he learned that from the twins!

      It is amazing how much can be accomplished when you don't care who gets the credit - Harry Truman
      PoliticalCompass Scale: -2.13, -2.97

      by floundericiousMI on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:14:46 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •   karateexplosions, you'll never cut it in (4.00)
    art school, but if you're not writing comedy, you've missed a great calling!

    Of course as Will Rogers, Mark Twain, Mort Saul, Mark Russell, Dick Gregory and many others have learned.....you have an endless supply of comedy material in politics.

    Nothing short of an aroused public can change things, nothing less than democracy is at stake- Bill Moyers

    by maggiemae on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 12:55:48 PM PST

  •  Two things that killed me (4.00)
    One from you, one from the reporters.

    Thing the First:
    The Hitler/Bush check-off list.  Effing hysterical.  

    Thing the Second:


    Scott, is it possible to, nevertheless, keep Sharon in our thoughts and prayers but comment on the peace process and its future at the same time? Can't those things happen simultaneously?

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, thoughts and prayers...can we please discuss something substantive?

    No?

    More check-off lists then.

    Another delightful romp through the craziness of the Bush Administration's mouthpiece.  Thanks for the Friday giggles.

  •  Are you writing for TDS? (4.00)
    If not, why the hell not! You're brilliant!

    Funniest thing I've read all day.

    Are we taking bets on when Scotty totally cracks, and starts singing 'Daisy, Daisy'?

    Or has he already done that?

  •  are they taking applications (none)
    at hamburger university?  I want in on one of those 21st century jobs!

    explain how letting gays marry will directly affect your own heterosexual relationship?

    by bluestatesam on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:21:13 PM PST

  •  Cognitive harmonic? (none)
    I gotta wonder, I was over on some gop blogs last month, trying to poke the conservatives (it's fun for a laugh).  Anyway, just before the banned me, I was in a debate, trying to get some of them to admit there was a difference between a police officer and a soldier.

    I'm not egotistical enough to think I spurred the Scotty mention, just hadn't seen anyone prodding the difference enough to make him say:

    It's not a law enforcement matter. It's a war. We are a nation at war.

    Still a complete BS lie.  Just wondering who poked the Scotty to respond that way.
  •  Now I'm worried (4.00)
    I just went over to the AA site and if you substitute "Scotty Show" for "booze" in their questionaire, I am a hopeless addict. I hope I can make it through the weekend.
  •  And here's my daily (none)
    thank you for today's offering.  

    Jesus + Fetus = SCOTUS

    by lightiris on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:33:43 PM PST

  •  That table comparing (4.00)
    Bush and Hitler is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

    In arrogance the wicked persecute the poor- let them be caught in the schemes they have devised. -Psalm 10:2

    by chicagochristianleft on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:39:51 PM PST

  •  great (none)
    chart! Which reminds me of another thing about Bush that bugs me.When he walks on the red carpet towards the podium,he walks with his hands held stiffly at his sides as if he is trying to look presidential but never pulls it off. With that smirk, it seems fake...Is it me?

    Go harry go! The American People.

    by blacklib on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:49:33 PM PST

    •  No it's not you (none)
      I've noticed the same thing. I think Karen Hughes told him to walk that way so he would look presidential. I've always noticed it, that and that silly smirk on his face!

      Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought- John F. Kennedy

      by vcmvo2 on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 03:04:50 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  If I weren't already (4.00)
    married and menopausal and childless by chocie, I would want to ahve your baby. Or at elast sex with you.

    On a svale of one to ten, yoru sex appeal is an 11 because you are hilarious and smart and not a Republican--my three mainr equirements.

     Scott Mc, the Pllsbury DOughboy's illegitmate child, is a 0.

    Thankl you for watchign him so I don't ahve to.

    The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

    by irishwitch on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 01:54:41 PM PST

  •  Thanks! (4.00)
    Your Hitler-Bush comparison table just cracked me up, especially the "mentally retarded" and "speaks English" categories. I had a good laugh for the end of the week.
  •  So... (none)
    I know it's been asked before -

    But when does the Scotty Show get a regular time slot?

    Come on, Kos - it's time to renew this beauty for a full season.

  •  BTW- (none)
    I suppose it makes me a stick-in-the-mud, but technically, Hitler wasn't elected either.

    A right-leaning, but not so downright crazy coalition prevented Hitler's election in 1932; Hitler actually lost to Hindenburg.

    However, the Nazis did pick up a significant enough number of seats in 32 to force Hindenburg's hand and ultimately, he appointed Hitler as chancellor.

    After Hindenburg's death - and continuing consolidation of power (not so much directly in the parliament as much through public thuggery)by the Nazis, Hitler became president, shortly thereafter rendering the position obsolete and taking his place as the madman that would preside over the next 11 years of terror.

    It doesn't lessen the good laugh I had at the chart, but, you know....

    -End silly nitpicking-

  •  Laughter & Tears... (4.00)
    ...thanks for both!
  •  here pootie pootie pootie (4.00)
    aw clusterfuck.

    we'll stand him up against a wall and pop goes the weasel /rufus t. firefly

    by 2nd balcony on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 03:10:16 PM PST

  •  new History SAT question (none)
    Exxon is to Iraq as

    United Fruit Company was to?

    Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

    by mollyd on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 03:20:39 PM PST

  •  Video-shortened de-gassed version (none)

    He who is silent is assumed to consent

    by cof on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 03:20:50 PM PST

  •  karate (none)
    I'm naming my first child after you (if I could have children). Love the Scotty Show!!!

    (Sorry BiPM - it's pretty funny and it happens at a more reasonable time of day for commenting.)

  •  Damn you (none)

    As a good macho male I don't like to cry, but that picture did me in. Damn you.

    -----------------

    On second thought, thank you.

    Thorby

    •  Laughing at their stupidity (none)
      and crying at the horror caused by such stupidity.

      HOW did America get so effing sick? Skin melted off children in Fallujah, while they burn the Constitution at home. IMPEACH!!!! NO MORE CORPORATISM!!!

  •  What do you all think freepers or (none)
    redstaters say and think when they come over here and read these diaries??? Can you see their teenie, weenie heads exploding???

    Just the thought of a freeper or redstater reading that Hitler/Bush chart made me giggle all over again!

    Republicans to Americans: "Are there no prisons?...And the Union workhouses?...Are they still in operation?"

    by adigal on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 04:03:45 PM PST

  •  rubber pants (none)
     I must wear them next time I read the latest Scotty Show.  Pee-your-pants funny.

    Why did we bother to beat the Soviet Union if we were just going to become it? Molly Ivins

    by offred on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 04:13:23 PM PST

  •  As I head off to read (4.00)
    Sagas of the Icelanders, I must admit I'm haunted by the photo of the little girl with her leg blown off.  I keep going back to it.  It's not funny.  

    It's not funny.

    It really breaks my heart.  

    Don't make this totally a joke, okay?  Shake it up, make us uncomfortable, make us avert our eyes so we'll come back to it and look again like I did.  

    'night.  

    Jesus + Fetus = SCOTUS

    by lightiris on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 07:33:34 PM PST

  •  Information or lack thereof (none)

    I would first like to commend karateexplosions for an obviously
    creative and keen wit. After reading a few of these sessions with
    McClellan, however, I wonder why anyone (either us or anyone in the
    press who actually attends these meetings) even bothers? What
    McClellan says is entirely 100% predictable, and thus contains
    absolutely zero information. We can't even call him a
    "minister of propaganda" since even propaganda can contain information,
    falty as it may be. I don't understand what anyone expects to get out
    of these press *brief*ings, and why we should even pay attention to
    them any longer
    (except perhaps for their entertainment value).

    So from the point of view that McClellan is good at nothing other than
    a source of jokes (for the [blank] show), fine, but at some point we
    should tire of anything to do with McClellan since we learn nothing.
    Let McClellan show up to one of these briefings and meet an empty
    room, no press even!!

  •  I just want to comment (none)
    for the sake of commenting.
    Yay, Scotty show!

    What do members of the Repub. leadership say when they bump into Pres. Bush? "Pardon me."

    by mungley on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 08:39:24 PM PST

  •  "Math Question" (none)
    I think that particular Q&A with the photo shouldn't be allowed to fade away. It needs a wider audience.

    We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy....--ML King, "Beyond Vietnam"

    by Gooserock on Fri Jan 06, 2006 at 10:26:10 PM PST

  •  Who said this? (none)
    "Scott, is it possible to, nevertheless, keep Sharon in our thoughts and prayers but comment on the peace process and its future at the same time? Can't those things happen simultaneously?"

    They oughtta be a contributing editor to karateexplosions, not that he needs one.

    -6.88/-5.64 * 2005 AD, final score, Internet 1, Corporate America 0 * Merry New Year!

    by John West on Sat Jan 07, 2006 at 03:54:09 AM PST

  •  jeez karateexplosions (none)
    you're getting pop pop popular.

    you can rearrange my face but you can't rearrange my mind -8.63,-7.28

    by mediaprisoner on Sat Jan 07, 2006 at 08:52:53 AM PST

  •  And speaking of the Rapture... (none)
    ...why doesn't a reporter just ask the million dollar question?  The one question that just in its asking will utterly destroy this administration forever and ever...

    Scott, Since we know this is a Christian adsministration, what procedures have been put in place to insure COG (continuance of government) in case of the Rapture?

manyoso, wozzle, maxomai, Kitty, Alumbrados, MichaelPH, cdreid, chuck utzman, Terri, CJB, pb, miriam, Thomas Kalinowski, randompost, lightiris, loretta, baked potato, dabize, laurak, assyrian64, zonk, sharronmar, mickT, Gooserock, Pandora, markymarx, TrueBlueMajority, Unstable Isotope, MeanBoneII, ScientistMom in NY, RunawayRose, agi, Sprinkles, slouisemay, jabb, kerry, Heather in SFBay, m maddog, bramish, OLinda, LEP, Mlle L, frsbdg, Pompatus, JOyODurham, LeftHandedMan, Bexley Lane, frisco, object16, mataliandy, Poika, jancw, Jerome a Paris, bostonjay, hubcap, PKinTexas, fabooj, mlafleur, concernedamerican, joynow, think2004, Cautiously Optimistic, elveta, brooklynben, Comet, Morague, KBnNC, otis704, Glic, molls, Scoopster, Patricia Taylor, buckhorn okie, roses, chechecule, MissAnneThrope, amberglow, peraspera, sgilman, peeder, simplicity7, nargel, bincbom, Saber69, Miss Blue, sidinny, DiMe, luddite, Spindizzy, chrisfreel, Jesterfox, bustacap, floundericiousMI, kozmo, CocoaLove, litigatormom, OldYellerDog, Eddie C, recontext, rcvanoz, NYC Sophia, cscs, young voter, sooner, DianeL, Lady Nutmegger, TXsharon, cosette, laughingriver, On The Bus, RuralLiberal, dnn, btyarbro, Mrcia, Eddie Haskell, architech, cevad, One bite at a time, outragedinSF, deep6, JayBat, seanleckey, eleanora, mattes, mungley, SanDiegoDem, DarkSyde, adigal, Timroff, gsbadj, Shapeshifter, guyermo, sawgrass727, memophage, seronimous, sharkbite, greenskeeper, MichDeb, vcmvo2, jonathan94002, BonScott, Fabian, lcs, rcw66, lefthanded, chememom, pattyp, Treg, powwow500, Green Zombie, pammo, Elise, seesdifferent, subtropolis, Chinton, Cook, Heronymous Cowherd, offred, dantes, Oldenburg, Melody Townsel, Senor Pez, Ajax the Greater, beezie687, profpeach, trinityfly, maisie, eru, dansk47, IL dac, truebeliever, LookingRight, Enjoy Every Sandwich, jimreyn, thered1, dunderhead, ladybug53, skralyx, sheddhead, annefrank, janew2, michele2, The Raven, cerulean, nakedcomputerguy, trojanrabbit, Beezzley, Spathiphyllum, SocioSam, chiefsjen, melvin, kathny, Crisis Corps Volunteer, maryru, klv, NOdiaspora, ThaliaR, occams hatchet, noblindeye, zot23, trashablanca, buddabelly, chicagoblueohio, kraant, PatsBard, highfive, Petrasays, Corvidae, Krush, Gorette, buhdydharma, Catesby, pagsarv, ryanfbaker, emteone, cweaver, Skeptical Scrutiny, XStryker, Albatross, akasha, carolita, Silent Lurker, Erik Sieckman, brainchild105, cameltruth

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