SPECTER: First, let me congratulate you on your distinguished record and nomination to the Supreme Court, and welcome you and your family to this hearing, Devil.
LUCIFER: Thank you.
SPECTER: I'll begin the questioning. Through no fault of your own, Devil, you find yourself in the midst of one of the most significant national debates in modern constitutional history. But let's put that aside. Do you think Roe is a super precedent?
LUCIFER: It is a precedent of the Court, and subject to stare decisis, which I will ignore, being the Devil.
SPECTER: And wouldn't you say, having been upheld 38 times by the Court, that Roe holds special weight?
LUCIFER: Whatever. I'm the Devil. I'll do what I want.
SPECTER: Let me show you this chart -- oh, but I see my red light is on.
LEAHY: Now, Devil, I was struck by something you said yesterday. You said your Father had such an influence in your life. And you talked about the fact that he was the Supreme Creator, and the source of all benificence on Earth. And we have something in common there. I was present at the Creation. I remember it well. And that's why I was so surprised that you were a member of the Concerned Evil Bastards Bent on the Destruction of Humanity League.
LUCIFER: You're referring to something I wrote on my application for a job in the Reagan administration. The Reagan administration. Membership was a prerequisite. Besides, I had no idea of the group's purpose. I thought it was a bridge club.
HATCH: Let me just ask you directly, Devil, are you seeking to destroy humanity or to doom us all to eternal burning in hell?
LUCIFER: Absolutely not, Senator. No.
HATCH: Devil, I believe you.
KENNEDY: I want to talk about a case you were involved in, Devil. In this case, a 4-year-old girl was disemboweled and her entrails were fed to a pack of boars. Her mother watched as her own daughter was gutted and fed to wild pigs. Why, Devil?
LUCIFER: Senator, I wasn't happy that a 4-year-old was disemboweled. The boars had submitted an affidavit to gut and devour anyone on the premises. And the magistrate had incorporated it in the warrant. I thought that in a common-sense fashion, that was reasonable.
SCHUMER: I'd like to return to this 1985 memo. You wrote, "All humanity should be confined to the darkest pits of hell and should there be burnt, gnawed by worms, and stabbed by pitchforks until the end of time." Do you stand by that statement today?
LUCIFER: Senator, it was an accurate statement of my views at the time. I wrote it from my vantage point as the Devil, in my professional capacity as Satan. If I were confirmed, and the issue were to come before me, I would have to go through the whole decision-making process before reaching a conclusion. I just can't say if I, Lucifer, would again find in favor of eternal suffering for all mankind. I would certainly approach it with an open mind.
SPECTER: That concludes today's hearings. Thank you very much, Devil.
LUCIFER: Go to hell.