Dear Fellow Kossacks and Democrats:
Many of you don't know me, but you know of me. I am the brain behind the Democratic party. I am the power behind the exiled throne. I am the one who devised the brilliant strategy that my party has faithfully executed, lo these past six years. I am the Didelphis Virginiana.
It has come to my attention that many of the non-thinking among you are not happy with our progress, so I came here to explain to you what we're doing and why we're doing it.
More after a quick breeding break -
As I was saying, playing dead is a time-honored strategy and it works. Take it from me, as a member of North America's only "surviving" marsupial family, I know what it takes to stay alive mauling after horrible mauling. Just lie down, let your tongue stick out of your mouth and close your eyes until it's over. Trust me, Republicans will get bored of mauling us soon and leave us alone.
During particularly horrible attacks, one can even lie down and curl up in the fetal position. This will confuse Republicans, as they will not know whether to keep beating you or start protecting you. This confusion won't last long, though, so take you opportunities to run up trees as they come. Remember, the important thing right now is to stay alive long enough to say, "I told you so," or until the danger passes.
I know many of you, for whatever reason, don't like the "Opossum" strategy. Perhaps you just don't realize it's the only strategy that makes sense. Or, maybe you just don't like opossum. I'd like to take this opportunity to voice my outrage at the blatant specie-ism on this site and within the party. You know who you are. You long for the days when the dogs ran things -- the good, old days, the dark, backward days of yesteryear. Well why not just admit the obvious? You miss tucking tail and running things.
Those days are behind us. Today's shifting reality demands adaptability and a knack for foraging for food in the safe blanket of night. We must be comfortable moving from left to right again and again. Feel free to pretend you're pushing them rightward and stealing their issues, if that helps. Just do whatever it takes to get comfortable with steering clear of danger.
One day, we will reach our Nirvana. We will have our heaven. We will live free in a utopian tree stump or a really nice pile of rocks and live a life of non-confrontation. And things will be good. Until that day, just stay alive and remember our motto: Let the Republicans lie. We'll lie down.
Thank you,
O. Opossum