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Every 2/2 of every year, there is all this talk about THE groundhog seeing HIS shadow. I've always had some issues with that. Consider these:

  1. First of all, who made it THE groundhog. Aren't there lots of groundhogs?

  2. And, what if the groundhog sees its shadow on the farm just next to a farm where the groundhog is a late riser and by then it's all cloudy? You mean to tell me that these two farms are going to have totally different weather for the next six weeks?

  3. HE? come on. It's the 21st century beginning the seventh year now. Are you telling me all the girl groundhogs are barefoot and taking care of the young'ns down below? They never ever come out to go shopping for cosmetics or pick up some formula? And how the heck does one get it to hold still long enough to get its little legs apart to tell? If you're not sure how one might do that, see #4 and #5 below for some suggestions involving gunpowder.

(hang on, the Cheney part is coming next)

  1. And if the groundhog is gonna bring bad news, why not just throw a stick of dynamite down the hole before it comes out like we do in Ohio? Or something less violent like they might do in California. Like putting out a floodlight or a parasol depending on whether or not you need the snow or not. You might want to think about that if you own any energy stocks: shadow=money. Cheney knows that angle, so you know where the smart money goes on that one.

  2. And just because YOU see the woodchuck's shadow, how do you know SHE (or he) saw it? That's making just way too many assumptions for me. I'd say she's thinking about that formula or the fox or how about that teenager sitting by the shed with his .222 loaded and the safety off? Shadow? Even if she thought about it, it would be HER shadow, thank you. And even more important, she's just too close to the ground to even see it. Now that blows away the myth if there was any doubt left.

Wanna know the weather? Just check Google. Or better yet, look out the window, works every time! As for 'chucks, I like 'em full of stuffing, next to the 'possum pie. Yum yum. At least that's the way we do it in Ohio.

Just some groundhog thoughts from the land of the rising sun where there are no groundhogs except maybe in the zoo. But that doesn't keep me from dreaming, does it?

Anyways, Happy Groundhog's Day!

(c) Brian Teaman, Groundhog's day 2006

Originally posted to PoPEar on Thu Feb 02, 2006 at 05:42 AM PST.

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