Detroit, Michigan - Feb. 5, 2006 - Immediately following the 40th annual Super Bowl at Detroit's Ford Field, ESPN sportscaster Chris Berman's shtick was rushed to Detroit Receiving Hospital for exhaustion.
Berman anchored television coverage for the pre-game, halftime and post-game shows of the Pittsburgh Steelers' 21-10 victory over the Seattle Seahawks.
"After the long NFL season, Mr. Berman's collection of catchphrases and obscure pop culture references broke down and collapsed," said hospital spokesperson Mattie Majors. "I'm happy to report that his shtick is in stable condition, though perhaps one more `He-Could-Go-All-The-Way' would've meant disaster."
Doctors believe that Berman's shtick was strained badly by one particular halftime remark. After the Rolling Stones provided the mid-game entertainment, Berman referenced the Stones' 1972 hit "Tumbling Dice" to describe a replay of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's controversial 2nd quarter touchdown dive.
"That wounded the shtick, but the fake play-by-play commentary during the commercial for that shitty-looking Tim Allen 'Shaggy D.A.' remake really hurt," Majors added.
ESPN ombudsman George Solomon expressed relief but not surprise at the shtick's condition.
"Some of our viewers have claimed that Berman's shtick has been tired for about ten years now," said Solomon.
Berman's shtick is expected to miss next Sunday's Pro Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii, but will be back-back-back-back-back in time to ruin the NFL draft and baseball season for television viewers everywhere.
(This kind of silliness and satire will soon be available at The American Factotum. Repeat: the preceding diary entry was satire.)