Did you miss me? No? Well, the Scotty Show missed the hell out of all of you. And while the frequency of Scotty Shows may be rather low right now due to circumstances beyond our control, rest assured that the quality will remain rather low as well, for consistency's sake.
And as always:
Press comments and questions are in italics, for her pleasure.
Scotty's bullshit remains thick and bold, like in real life.
Bullshit detector remarks are in plain text, which I'm sure signifies something suitably profound.
And now... onward, to the Scotty Show!
Scott, I just have two questions to follow up on the accidental shooting by the Vice President. Does the President think that the Vice President should address this publicly, personally, speak to the American people in any fashion to explain what happened and why it took so long to disclose it publicly?
Well, I think what happened has been explained. The Vice President's Office has talked about it; I've talked about it. And I represent the President and speak for him. The Vice President's spokeswoman speaks for him, as well. So that information has been provided. We went through this pretty thoroughly yesterday.
Look, this is pretty basic stuff, and I don't understand why you all don't understand. If you're out in the woods and you blast hot lead into the head and heart of a geriatrics patient, it's important to put a good face on it. So you say to yourself, "Man, good thing that I have a recent head of the Parks and Wildlife Department here with me. I'll let HER break the news to everybody." Then, you get the fuck out of Dodge and you say nothing until Fox News sends over their rent boy to fellate you.
Okay, let me ask you this -- is the President concerned that the Vice President made decisions about the public disclosure of this incident that are clearly at odds with how you and others advising the President disclose personal information about the President's activities?
Let me just say this, since there's some follow-up questions that you all have. First of all, I think we went through this pretty thoroughly yesterday and I worked to answer the questions to the best of my ability and in a forthright manner, based on the facts that I knew. There were some very legitimate questions that were asked. As I indicated, I always believe that you can look back and work to do better. I indicated that yesterday. I think today what we're focusing our efforts is on what are the most pressing priorities before the American people. And that's where we're focusing. I understand you still have some --
I always believe that you can look back and work to do better. Now, we have identified some failings in the way that Dick Cheney shot an old guy in the head this past weekend. But we are constantly attempting to learn and improve from these mistakes. And let me tell you forcefully and with the full authority of the Press Secretary's podium: the next time Dick Cheney shoots an old man in the head, he will work to do better.
That's fine, and that's appropriate.
If you want to continue to spend time on that, that's fine. We're moving on to the priorities of the American people. That's where our focus is.
The American people simply cannot be bothered with some piss-ant thing like the Vice President of the United States shooting an old man. It's much ado about nothing. Nobody cares. This isn't where the priorities of Americans are focused. I mean, now if this were someone getting a blowjob, THEN maybe we could alert the press and convene the grand juries and maybe sharpen the guillotine.
That's fair, and that's your prerogative, and I've got my job to do, which is, try to get you to answer that question. Does the President think it's appropriate for the Vice President to essentially make decisions at odds with the public disclosure process of this White House?
Well, I think that I've expressed my views, and we went through this yesterday.
The public disclosure process of this White House? Hold on, I think I have that Desk Manual right here somewhere. Let's take a look. Okay, here it is:
DESK MANUAL 14b.001 "PUBLIC DISCLOSURE PROCESS OF THIS WHITE HOUSE
- Keep your fucking mouth shut about everything.
Well, gee, I think the vice president followed our public disclosure process right down to the letter.
But that's a non-answer.
Well, that's what I was trying to indicate to you --
DURRRR, HEL-LLLOOOO...? Read the nametag, it says Scott McClellan. Non-answers is what I do.
Does the President have a view about how the Vice President has conducted himself?
Again, that's what I -- I indicated to you yesterday what our views were.
It's like this: Dick Cheney stomps kittens. He boils the skin off of toddlers. He sodomized your grandmother with a broken fluorescent light bulb. That's how the Vice President conducts himself. Shooting a guy in the head isn't any big break from the norm here.
No, I don't recall you sharing the President's view.
Yes, but can I finish responding? I'm glad to answer your questions.
How am I supposed to share insightful responses to your questions such as, "I responded to that yesterday" or "We have made our views clear on this" or "That is a ridiculous question" if you don't even let me finish saying it?
The Vice President basically decided on his own to not disclose this, which is at odds with how you do business and how the President does business, right?
I don't want to make this about anything other than what it is. It is what it is, David. I was very respectful and responsive to your questions yesterday. I provided you the information I knew based on the facts that were available, and we've been through this pretty thoroughly.
Do you see how glad I am to answer this question? Doesn't my gladness just jump out at you? Can you not envision what it might look like if I WASN'T glad to answer your question?
You don't have an answer to this question. All right, one final question.
Wait, wait, I'm just not going to go back through it again. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me respond fully before you jump in.
It's time for a show-within-a-show! Another exciting episode of: The Mister and Missus McClellan Show!
MRS. McCLELLAN: Did you take out the trash today?
SCOTTY: I have answered that question in the past.
MRS. McCLELLAN: So, you didn't take it out today, then?
SCOTTY: Excuse me, bitch, would you stop interrupting me?
MRS. McCLELLAN: I'm just saying that you're not answering the question, so I assumed that you didn't take it out today.
SCOTTY: I've been very respectful and I'm glad to answer your questions.
MRS. McCLELLAN: So did you take the trash out today?
SCOTTY: We've been through this pretty thoroughly.
MRS. McCLELLAN: So you didn't take out the trash today, or what?
SCOTTY: I'm not gonna go through this again with you. Let me respond fully before you jump in. You fucking rude bitch.
All right, but -- well, hold on one second. I've got one final question.
Other people in this room have questions, and we've got an event coming up.
Don't waste your time, David. The answer to your question is: we have covered that thoroughly already.
I understand that, but I'm not getting answers here, Scott, and I'm trying to be forthright with you, but don't tell me that you're giving us complete answers when you're not actually answering the question, because everybody knows what is an answer and what is not an answer.
David, now you want to make this about you, and it's not about you, it's about what happened. And that's what I'm trying to --
David, if it were true that everybody knows what is an answer and what is not an answer, I wouldn't get a paycheck every week.
I'm sorry that you feel that way, but that's not what I'm trying to do.
And I'm trying to provide answers to the questions.
I'm not really trying HARD, mind you.
I have one final question, since that one wasn't answered. Is it appropriate for the Vice President to have waited 14 hours after the incident before he spoke with local law enforcement officials? And do you think that an average citizen would have been accorded that same amount of time before having to answer questions about a shooting incident?
That was what was arranged with the local law enforcement authorities. You ought to ask them that question.
Good idea. "Excuse me, local law enforcement authorities. Hypothetical situation: I am out in the woods and I shoot a 78-year-old guy in the head and the heart. How long will you let me wait until I talk to you?"
Is the President satisfied that he learned of the details about the shooting through Karl Rove and Andy Card, and not directly from the Vice President?
He was informed about it, and there are lots of different ways to keep the President informed about events, and that was the way it happened in this instance.
Dick Cheney made it up to the president by writing the following note, written in Whittington's blood:
Is he satisfied that he didn't hear directly from Cheney regarding --
Again, Suzanne, if you all want to continue to focus on this, you all can spend your time on it. We're going to keep focusing on the pressing priorities of the American people, like talking about how to make health care more affordable and accessible. We've got important work to do for the American people, and that's where we're going to keep our focus. You're welcome to continue to focus on these issues. I'm moving on.
You can continue to worry about a small issue like the Vice President shooting a man, but I am telling you right now that the American people would much rather you focus more on the meaningless lip service we are giving health care. Like, for instance, if you're a 78-year-old Republican fundraiser that gets shot by the Republican Vice President of the United States, you will get state-of-the-art health care and they will even put you in Intensive Care "for your privacy", while another 78-year-old man dies alone in his home, unable to receive appropriate medical help thanks largely to Republicans screwing him over at every turn for at least the last 14 years.
Two time line questions on this that I don't think was fully addressed yesterday. Could you tell us who it was in the Vice President's party who first informed the Situation Room? And could you tell us how it was that Mr. Rove learned of this and got involved enough, then, to call -- I'm trying to understand the chain of custody of the information prior to that. In other words, who from the Vice President's party first informed the Situation Room? You told us the Situation Room --
Well, he has an entourage that travels with him. I'm not going to get into -- he has an entourage that travels with him, from a military aide to Secret Service personnel. I'm not going to get into discussing specific people. I don't think that's -- I don't think it's necessary.
It is completely unnecessary for me, the White House Press Secretary, to tell you, the White House reporters, who first informed the President of the United States that the Vice President of the United States had just shot a dude in the head. Now, if you have any questions about which Bible verse is the President's favorite, I might be willing to discuss that.
Okay. And now, the second question, can you tell us who, then, informed Mr. Card? Was it Andy Card -- sorry, who informed Mr. Rove? Was it Andy Card, was it somebody else?
I don't know where he first heard it. He may have heard it from the Situation Room. I know Andy spoke to him pretty quick after he heard about it.
Rove responded bitterly, "That fucker is always trying to outdo me as the most evil prick in the White House."
Okay. And then the third issue related to this is, we know and established yesterday through you that the President heard about it on Saturday evening. Could you explain to us why it is this piece of information was important enough for the President to hear about relatively quickly, within three hours of the event but in your view, it was not important enough --
David, as I -- as I indicated, there are some pressing priorities before the American people and they want us to spend our time on that, and that's where we're going to keep our focus today.
They did this really cool thing for me yesterday and they changed my title and job description from "White House Press Secretary - Responsible for speaking on behalf of the White House" to "American People Press Secretary - Responsible for speaking on behalf of the American People." I got new business cards and everything.
So let me just say on behalf of every man, woman, and child in America that nobody cares one little bit about the fact that the Vice President of the United States shot a man and that the White House kept it hush-hush for a day.
It's our briefing, we get to ask the questions.
You do, but I've indicated to you where I am today, and that's where I'm going to continue to focus.
Yeah, you can ask any questions you want, and I think that past experience has shown that I will continue to give the answers that I want you to ask. Like so:
PRESS POOL REPORTER: Dick Cheney shot a man in the face. Does the president think this is a bad thing?
SCOTTY: We continue to work with members of Congress to reform Social Security.
PRESS POOL REPORTER: This administration has been accused of leaking the name of an undercover CIA agent. What is your response?
SCOTTY: In order to reduce our dependence on foreign oil, we must drill in Alaska.
Can you talk about, when the Vice President travels, does he bring with him any special medical group, given his heart condition, anything above and beyond what Vice Presidents typically bring?
You can check with his office for specifics, because I don't travel with him, but he does have a medical team that travels with him, similar to what the President does.
It's important for the Vice President to have doctors available in case he has a heart attack, especially when he's traveling to rural America, since the new health budget cuts programs for defibrillators in rural areas, among other things.
And could you provide cost estimates when the Vice President takes these hunting trips -- like what it costs the taxpayers to bring both his staff and medical staff?
Check with his office, Jim. Check with his office. I travel with the President.
Oh, don't pretend it's wasteful of taxpayer money for the Vice President to take a small army out on recreational trips to go shoot small, tame birds with clipped wings. Everybody knows that the real waste of taxpayer dollars comes from feeding poor people, giving children hot lunches and pre-kindergarten education, giving the elderly adequate medical care, helping kids with college tuition, and - oh yeah, providing defibrillators for rural communities.
Back to the Saturday activities, understanding that the Vice President and his entourage's primary concern was Mr. Whittington's health, and remains so, last night the late-night comics went to town; this morning you joked about orange and the Longhorns being here. To what extent is there a certain degree of relief that Mr. Whittington seems to be fine, but a bit of, perhaps, humor involved --
Well, I think Mr. Whittington remains in our thoughts and prayers. We all want to make sure that he's okay and that he gets home and he recovers fully. And that's where our focus is and that's where it will continue to be. And I think people have to make their own judgments in terms of how they go about that.
I mean, our focus is and continues to be on health care or some shit like that. Oh, never mind. The only thing funnier than an old guy getting shot in the face is when it's the vice president that's doing the shooting.
There are Canadian news reports that the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal has contended that one of the sexual orientations is sadomasochism, while in Ottawa, the Justice Department has called for the legalizing of polygamy. And my question: Does the President recognize these developments as logical progression from the current demand for same-sex marriage by the sodomy lobby?
Are you talking about Canada?
Canada, yes.
Well, direct your questions to Canada.
Ladies and gentlemen, Les Kinsolving! The one member of the press corps that we can be absolutely certain, when everyone else is asking about the Vice President shooting an old man in the face, will ask a question about the "sodomy lobby".
Scott, one of the reasons you said you delayed telling people about [Dick Cheney shooting a 78-year-old man in the face] is because you wanted to get all the information and some more information perhaps was gathered. So can you go back to your role again? You first heard about it Saturday evening, then didn't hear that the Vice President was involved until Sunday morning. Were you asking questions? What were your concerns about a hunting accident, the Vice President was there -
I went through this yesterday. I'm not going to -- Martha, I think that if you have additional questions relating to this matter, that you should direct them to the Vice President's Office. I've responded to you pretty fully in terms of my view, I've responded to those questions. I did so yesterday.
I AM back in my role again. My role is to metaphorically block the doorway while Dick Cheney and Karl Rove metaphorically shred all the documents.
Did the President direct Cheney or his office to handle things differently in a case like this, if it happens again -- if something like this happens again?
You can keep asking those questions; you're welcome to cover this issue. I expressed our views.
I'm not even going to PRETEND to answer your questions anymore, fuckers.
Has the President directed -- given any direction to the Vice President's Office about how things like this should be handled in the future?
I just told you that you can always look at these issues and find a way to do a better job in the future. I'm not going to get into private conversations between the President and Vice President.
Yes.
Thank you. If you remember, I asked last week if the President is considering canceling his visit to Pakistan because of the violent demonstrations there because of the cartoons. The violence continues and even escalates. Is it wise for the President to possibly put himself in harm's way by going to Pakistan?
Well, first of all, we have full confidence in the President's security detail and the job that they do. The President's trip remains on schedule, and the President looks forward to going to both India and to Pakistan in a few weeks here.
In terms of the cartoons and the controversy there, I think we've expressed what our views are. And the President has made it clear that all governments need to act to prevent violence. There have been some peaceful demonstrations. Peaceful demonstrations are one thing, but there's no justification for engaging in violence.
I think we all need to work together, and we can all look to the Olympics to see an example of the kind of events that promote better understanding of people of all backgrounds and all races and all religions, and we ought to keep that in mind during this time, as well.
I wonder how many people will catch on to my very subtle code.
Scott, was it Karl Rove's idea that Katharine Armstrong contacted the local press? I know that they spoke on the phone.
No, I think Mrs. Armstrong has said how that idea came about.
Karl Rove!? Coming up with a conniving and Machiavellian scheme such as that? Why, I am shocked by the suggestion!
So did they discuss it while they were on the phone?
Not that I know of, no.
Yes.
Could you find out for us?
I just said I don't believe so.
The facts are unimportant! Report solely upon what I BELIEVE!
And one other quick one, on Michael Chertoff. Have there been discussions between Mr. Chertoff and Mr. Bush about whether Chertoff should, in fact, resign over Katrina?
No. In fact, Secretary Chertoff is doing a great job at the Homeland Security Department. The President appreciates his strong leadership. He is someone who is committed to doing everything he can to protect the American people and to continue to take steps to make sure we are better prepared to respond to the threats that we face, whether those threats are natural disasters or those threats are from terrorism or other incidents.
Secretary Chertoff is doing a great job? Strong leadership? Committed? Jeez, this sounds familiar. Now where I have I heard that before?
Scott, do you think that there is a -- do you think that this continuing questioning about the events of Saturday indicate some kind of White House press corps not getting it and sticking -- continue to stick to something long past a reasonable discussion of it? Or do you think it reflects a feeling in the country that this just doesn't pass the sniff test?
Two things. One, as I indicated at the beginning, I think you all had some very legitimate questions. And we went through this is a very thorough manner yesterday. And I continued to provide additional information to reports in the afternoon. I work to be very responsive to your needs, and I thought that the issues that were raised were legitimate ones.
At the same time, I think the American people want this White House to do what we have always done, and what we were doing yesterday and what we're doing today, which is focusing on the priorities they care most about. That's what we're doing. The President is spending his time focusing on the threats that we face and how do we confront those threats and better protect the American people, and how do we continue to keep the economy competitive and growing.
We've got a great economy. The retail sales numbers came out today; they were significantly higher than what was expected. We're seeing a lot of job creation going on. But there's a lot of anxiety out there about issues like the economy, and people changing jobs, and people losing health care coverage because they change jobs, or rising health care costs. And those are the priorities that I think the American people want us to spend our time on.
Now, you all have to make decisions about what to report and, as I indicated, if you all want to continue spending time on this, that's fine. But this administration is focused on doing what the American people want us to do -- and that's to address the biggest priorities facing this country.
See what I just did there? That's what I do, people. You ask me a question about Cheney shooting a guy in the face. I don't answer you. Then I lie to you. Then I talk about terrorism, the economy, retail sales figures, job creation, and health care costs. Then you smile and sit down and write a newspaper article about terrorism and the economy and retail sales figures and job creation and health care. And everybody forgets about Cheney shooting a guy in the face, and then next week I'll talk to you guys about homos marrying and you'll forget about terrorism, the economy, retail sales figures, job creation, and health care costs.
On the tax reconciliation bill, the administration has said it supports both a temporary AMT patch, as well as extending capital gains and dividend cuts. If you can't do both within the tax reconciliation bill, would you support having the AMT patch handled in a separate bill?
Well, we're going to continue working with Congress on these issues. Congress is moving forward on this. We've made very clear that it's important to make the tax cuts permanent, because that will keep our economy strong and keep it growing. Tax relief has allowed American families and workers to have more money to save, invest and spend. And it has helped create a strong foundation for growth. We've seen nearly 4.8 million jobs created since the summer of 2003, and the unemployment rate is now down to 4.7 percent, below the averages of the '70s, '80s, and '90s. And we're going to continue working with Congress on these issues to meet the objectives that were outlined in our budget.
Of course not, dumbass. We're not going to split away a tax fix for the middle class from a huge tax giveaway for the rich. It's important for us to bundle some of these things together and to name them in a way that makes them easier to pass, as we learned from the Federal Baby Rapist Punishment Act of 2005, which gave the President the authority to disband Congress and declare himself King For Life.
Q Al Gore made several provocative statements before a Saudi audience. Does the White House have a position on anything he said?
I think we'll leave the political comments to the RNC to respond to. I think the Democrats need to first come up with what their ideas are before they start getting into attacking others.
Mom-mmmy! The Scotty's channeling the RNC again!
By your own account yesterday, information flowing from Texas to Washington on Saturday evening and Sunday morning took a while, you said, to get all of the information of what transpired in Texas. When the Vice President goes on these private trips, does he have inadequate staff and support with him to communicate quickly in case of an emergency?
Well, there are communications with the Vice President and with the President, and they stay in touch through a variety of means. This was a weekend hunting trip. There wasn't a press entourage with him, there wasn't a broader staff with him that he might normally have.
If only someone would invent a small, wireless, portable communications system that allowed nearly instantaneous communication with just about anyone, regardless of where they were. We could call it a "cell phone", and it would help in emergencies such as this. Or, failing that, maybe someone could invent a communication system that allowed voice communication over interconnected lines which we could refer to as "telephone lines". And with this "telephone" device, a vice president who had shot someone in the face would be able to quickly relay that information to key personnel in the federal government in the most technologically advanced country in the world. I know, I know, save the science fiction novel writing to the professionals, right?
You said you found out, like 6:00 a.m. the next morning. Are you suggesting that he had plenty of ability to contact Washington and didn't use it?
I'm suggesting that it's time to focus on the priorities of the American people, and that's what we're going to do. You're welcome to continue focusing on that. Thank you. Go see the Longhorns.
No, what I'm saying is - QUICK! Look over here!