Mr. Vice President, I would personally like to apologize to you. I realize that you've been through hell, and it's my fault. I blame my own empathy for this tragedy. If it wasn't for my concern for the health and well-being of Mr. Whittington, I wouldn't have given the shooting a second thought. In retrospect, I realize now that if the Vice-President shoots something, whether it be a bird raised to be a living skeet or a 78-year old man, it deserves to be shot.
As long as I'm making this apology, I would like to pass on a few other apologies...
Valerie Plame would like to apologize to Mr. Cheney. If it wasn't for the fact that she was a covert agent investigating WMDs in Iran, outing her identity as a CIA agent would probably have been legal. But by marrying Joe Wilson years before he would authoritatively debunk one of the cherished lies that led to the Iraq debacle, Ms. Plame realizes that she was just asking to be betrayed. If she could go back in time, she would betray herself and save you the trouble of breaking the law. But that's just pellets in the wind now, isn't it? As she surveys the ruins of her career, Ms. Plame assures me that she takes solace in knowing that she had it coming. She hopes you continue to elude accountability.
Next, the city of New Orleans wants to make amends. It was just the city's sheer stupidity that allowed itself to get hit by a hurricane, and then compound that blunder by waiting for FEMA to provide help and relief. Now they truly understand that cakes don't get cut, guitars don't get air-strummed, and dinner reservations don't get made by themselves. They hope that they can make it up to you in the future, by allowing you to ignore the rebuilding as much as you ignored the rescue efforts.
While we're on the subject of America , Mr. President, we the American people are also deeply sorry. If it wasn't for the inconvenient Bill of Rights, we wouldn't be granted protection against warantless search and seizure, and your illegal wiretaps would be welcomed with flowers and chocolates. After listening to the rightwing talkshows, however, we realize that we all feel more secure when we don't have rights to worry about. We applaud your efforts to relieve us of this burden.
Next, if you'll allow me to stray beyond our borders for a moment, I'd like to add that the Iraqi civilian population would also like to apologize as well, Mr. President. Not only is their constant demand for electricity, clean water, and public safety a major drag on the resources of your under-staffed occupation, but their houses always seem to be in the way of your bombs. They realize now that they should have built their homes in a better location, for instance, Albuquerque.
You'll never guess it, but Oil also wants to says it's sorry. Yes, petroleum wants to offer its sincere regrets that it chose to locate itself mainly under the unhinged autocracies and theocracies of the world. Oil wishes it had thought longer and harder all those millions of years ago about where it wanted to store its juicy goodness. Oil knows that we're all paying for the mistakes that Oil made back then. Heck, if it didn't make itself so sweet and light, crude wouldn't be so addictive. Oil knows that it's just asking to be invaded for.
Finally - and this apology shout-out goes to everyone in the higher reaches of the administration - Reality itself would like to apologize. Reality knows that what goes on in Reality, stays in Reality, and cannot pierce the magic bubble of the White House. Often this results in awkward moments at those rare press conferences. While Reality is trying hard to change and bend to your will, Mr. President and Vice-President, in the meantime, it hopes that you will accept its heartfelt apology.
I know that I have really only begun to apologize, and that there are many more who want and deserve to apologize to you, but unfortunately, I'm just one man. In fact, I'm afraid this apology comes too late. And for that, I must humbly once more, apologize.