George Will said
Monday that conservatives are, generally and considerably, happier than liberals. He points to a study that has found Republicans to be happier than Democrats, and has since 1972.
Mr. Will is a thoughtful man, and I enjoy his columns. He's less shrill and bullying than the vast majority of conservative media voices. He says here that conservatives are happier because they are less reliant on the federal government, because they live in sunny states, and because they like shiny new cars. Here, he is wrong. I'll tell you why he's wrong, in a second...
I have to frown and weep, I should be right back.
Let's begin with lesser reliance on the federal government. The crux of Mr. Will's argument is that liberals believe that the government is obligated to bestow the means of the pursuit of happiness on the people, while conservatives ostensibly know that no government can grant them happiness. In here, Mr. Will is correct: liberals do believe that the government is obligated to bestow happiness on it's people, by capturing and punishing the wicked. Conservatives know that if they are not being captured or punished, it makes them happy that the government isn't onto them yet:
Mr. DeLay's happiness index, we're guessing, has drooped recently.
Will also says that it is because many more conservatives live in sunny Southern states, where the people are happier. As a New Englander- a Bostonian!- a native of the region that has been the nation's commercial and intellectual hub for centuries, we say: Good, America, be happy. We'll do the hard work up here and retire in your beach towns when we are ready. Give us your smart kids for our superior schools- the world's best- and the deal's square.
New Englanders have an inherent reason reason to be unhappy, and it is the weather. Mr. Will entertains this matter but briefly, though it is of vital import. There is a fraternal feeling of misery between New Englanders regarding the warp of the winds and the rushes of snow, and it ensures that weather will always be an acceptable subject of involved conversation here. Sure, in the South you have to worry about the occasional hurricane wiping out everything you know and love. Up North, you hunker down for six months and battle, back-to-wall. Man's struggle against the elements is more like the siege of Stalingrad than a blitzkrieg. This affects morale.
Finally, we come to the subject of fast cars. Opining on liberals and their sticker-clad imports has been good sport for many conservative pundits. I assure Mr. Will that his point has been noted, and that I have removed the offending articles from my 1984 Yugo, which nevertheless remains slightly altered:
I could question the assumption that "happiness", such as it is, is quantifiable along partisan lines. I could also rejoin that "ignorance is bliss". I would close by granting Mr. Will and all those other brilliantly blissful Republicans who have realized complete and utter satisfaction on this Earth- happiness!- simply by choosing to be conservative Republicans, the continuation of their staggering ecstacies of fulfillment. I would close as such, I would grant him well, but I am too focused on my own, grinding unhappiness, which stems from the fact that I am a Northern Democrat who does not drive a Corvette.