Welcome to today's substitute edition of
Cheers & Jeers, coming to you from the beeyoootiful state of Ohio. I'm your hostess, histopresto, and I will be pinch-hitting today's bootleg C & J, since Bill in Portland Maine is off enjoying his vacation in Florida.
Today's Cheers & Jeers is sponsored by our friends at the Key West Visitor's Bureau! They are actively seeking information that would lead to the arrest of the person or persons unknown who painted their historic lighthouse some weird-ass shade of orange over the weekend, which we know absolutely nothing about- right? Right!!!
Cheers and Jeers is coming your way...right now! [GONG-GONG-GONG--- oh dammit, I broke the gong again!!---GONG-GONG-GONG--- Has anybody got a wrench?---GONG-GONG-GONG--- Cosmic, I said wrench, not wench!---GONG-GOnnkkkxxxzz---There, all fixed!] <Swoosh!>
Pssssttt!! I don't want to spread any unfounded rumors, but I heard that this sunburned guy with a Mount Vernon accent has reportedly been seen doing a drag version of "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" at every karaoke bar in South Florida, wearing a Carmen Miranda hat, an orange Speedo and a smile. Remember, bobs, the bail money's in the liquor cabinet, just in case. [Wait- where's the liquor cabinet? RenaRF! Put that back- it's only hump-day!!]
Please keep in mind that the following snarkfartery has not been prepared with the knowledge and/or assistance of Bill in Portland Maine, who has thoroughly washed his hands of this crap so that he can have a few precious weeks of peace and serenity...ommmmmm...ommmmmm...
Your Substitute C & J Lineup so far:
the white trash poet
Moody Loner
RenaRF
PoliSigh
cosmic debris
pastordan
PhillyGal
Delaware Dem
Today's gratuitous pootie pic comes to you from my new cat-niece. We're really hoping she grows into that tail.
By the Numbers:
Number of days until Histo's 40th birthday : Five.
Number of days until Histo's new fridge with icemaker gets delivered: Five.
Number of years since the 2-for-1 birthday margarita special was offered at my local mexican restaurant : Exactly 9 years and 360 days. [What?! It's a coincidence!]
On This Day in History:
Nothing really exciting happened. I'm a historian, so I would know. [What?! It's true!]
CHEERS to remodeling, which is what we're doing while Bill's outta town [shhh, don't tell him- it's a surprise!]. A big C & J salute goes out to our new interior designer, Monsieur Markos, whose secret wish to become an interior decorator has been granted by the wankers, spankers & pervs here in the Wish Fulfillment Division of C & J Inc, LLP. In accordance with the design directive from our stockholders, all fabrics will be heat resistant, all sofas will convert to sofabeds (rrowwrrr!) and all carpets can be hosed off into handy floor drains. Make sure to visit the new C & J Rumpus Room, featuring Monsieur Markos' sizzling new design- the Flaming Fartchair:
JEERS to Donald Rumsfeld, who took every opportunity yesterday to blame the dog for eating his homework the media for reporting Iraq nearing a state of Civil War. First question from the reporters:
Q Mr. Secretary, I'd like to clear up exactly what you're saying here. Are you saying that this poll and that what you call the rush toward declaring civil war in Iraq, is that the result of intentional misreporting of the situation there?
SEC. RUMSFELD: Oh, I can't go into people's minds.
No, he can't go into the minds of the media because they are now taking the sensible precaution of wearing stylish, heavy-duty tinfoil hats. Make a new friend at your local paper- send them a new tinfoil hat with pretty antlers today!
CHEERS to a good, fast read- Crashing the Gate. Yeah, sure, I only gave it four stars in my review- but there's no pootie pics at all! What I really want to know is: who's been selling their special super-duper advance collector's copy online already- hmmm? And by way- Kos, why is my complimentary pony so tiny?
Was I supposed to pour water on him? I used beer...so all the seamonkeys really like him.
JEERS to the new ATM at my local bank. I was so excited to see they were finally getting rid of the old machine with the burned-out screen. You couldn't read it when it was sunny, so you had to braille your way through the transaction. I was really hoping for one of those ATMs that sells stamps- they're cool. Unfortunately, our new ATM has a huge corporate logo right on it- DIEBOLD. Grrrr...
CHEERY JEERS to Bad Songs of the Seventies, providing a handy list of bouncy songs that get right into your brain, like the ear-drilling, brain-controlling parasite in that Star Trek movie with Ricardo Montalban--
LOVE!!!! Love will keep us together!!! Think of me babe whenever--
<okay, Histo, shake it off, you can do it>
Gypsys, tramps, and thieves!!! We'd hear it from the people of the town. They'd call us gypsys, tramps, and thieves!!! But every night all the men would come around- And lay their money down--
<Smack!!!> Thanks, Eddie, I needed that.
<Smack!!!> Hey!! Once was enough- you perv!
JEERS to continuing inequities for professionals interested in working for FEMA. For instance, in my field, Disaster Assistance Exployees are being actively recruited to help communities cope with the potential loss of their historic properties. However, DAEs must accept being on call 24 hours a day (well, okay, I guess) and you're classified as temporary contract staff (okay...) with no health insurance (uhhh...) Well, it's not like you really need health insurance in disaster areas...oh, phhttpp to that!!! To take these FEMA jobs and work in Disaster Field Offices, you have to be independently wealthy, retired with health benefits, or have a spouse whose benefits cover you (one that you don't mind abandoning). Reform THAT, you congressional putzes!
CHEERS to finally finding the critical data I needed to bring my "death by bacon" plot to fruition. Bobs, bobbettes- meet the 22 slice bacon sandwich. Move over, Ann Coulter! Nobody in DC really eats crème brulee, it's so passe- but everybody in DC loves pork, right? Mmmm...it just makes your arteries stand up and salute! Make sure to send gift packs of pork products to all your favorite legislators. Remember, the best scientists ever say that bacon is good for you! In fact, nitrites are really good for you, too. After all, nitrites naturally occur in your own spit! Mmmm...nitrites...
**Well- I think I crashed the giant bacon sandwich thing already (hope I didn't get the poor guy fired)- bonus diagram showing the piggy bacon area is here.
JEERS to still needing to post information online about alternatives to emergency contraception. The good news is that Walmart may actually start providing emergency contraception at their pharmacies. Of course, if this policy goes forward, I suspect that their in-store pharmacies will quickly go the way of the mythical unionized Walmart [aka- closed]. For the bad news- take a look back at where we were a hundred years ago:
When they had word of a new remedy they hurried to the drugstore, and if the clerk were inclined to be friendly he might say, "Oh, that won't help you, but here's something that may." The younger druggists usually refused to give advice because, if it were to be known, they would come under the law; midwives were even more fearful. The doomed women implored me to reveal the "secret" rich people had, offering to pay me extra to tell them; many really believed I was holding back information for money. They asked everybody and tried anything, but nothing did them any good. On Saturday nights I have seen groups of from fifty to one hundred with their shawls over their heads waiting outside the office of a fivedollar abortionist.
Yes, that's why Planned Parenthood started. Too bad that for every little step forward, we're still taking a big step back. Here's hoping that no woman will ever need to use this new online
message board, which is designed as a 21st century underground railroad to help women reach reproductive services. Margaret Sanger must be whirling in her
grave like a chicken on a spit.
CHEERS to finally reading real books again. I've been so bummed out the last few years that I've basically been reading smutty romances trade books. Here's a couple of things for y'all to get distracted by today: the Federalist Papers, Life Histories from the WPA Federal Writers Project, works by Women Writers, best sellers from 1900-1930, or something cool picked at random from Project Gutenberg. You could also just grab a Banned Book and start reading it in public as your own little protest against the wingnuts. Who says the kiddie pool is intellectually shallow? Whaddaya mean- everybody does? Wait- I resemble that remark!
Finally, MILITANT CHEERS to Emmeline Pankhurst, who was on my mind when I started prowling around online, looking for primary sources:
Now, I want to say to you who think women cannot succeed, we have brought the government of England to this position, that it has to face this alternative; either women are to be killed or women are to have the vote. I ask American men in this meeting, what would you say if in your State you were faced with that alternative, that you must either kill them or give them their citizenship,--women, many of whom you respect, women whom you know have lived useful lives, women whom you know, even if you do not know them personally, are animated with the highest motives, women who are in pursuit of liberty and the power to do useful public service? Well, there is only one answer to that alternative; there is only one way out of it, unless you are prepared to put back civilization two or three generations; you must give those women the vote. Now that is the outcome of our civil war.
For that classic C & J touch, you should notice that Ms. Pankhurst's speech was originally transcribed by a certain "Mr. John F. Tinkler".
Reminder to our host: Women are not a special interest group.
One year ago in C & J:
Well, that was actually the day I subbed for Bill last year. So, instead of quoting myself, let's pick another snarkfartist. Ladies & gentlemen, put your hands together for the incomparable ItsBob, who was originally scheduled to host today's C & J block party.
This here's a story about Bobbie joe and bobbieSNU
Two young lovers with nothin' better to do
Than sit around the house, Cheering high and Jeering the tube,
And here is what happened when they decided to cut loose
They margin raced down to, ooh, old el paso
That's where they ran into a great big hassle
Bobbi joe shot a man while robbing his castle
BobbieSNU took the MOJO and run
Go on take the MOJO and run
Go on take the MOJO and run
Go on take the MOJO and run
Go on take the MOJO and run
Bonus One Year Ago Cheers go out to WTP, or HHG, or that Bakin' for the Furnace guy- whoever you happen to be today. Group hug!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering today?