I've cast my vote. Have you? Oscars, schmocars! It's almost the Ides of March, the political holiday, and time to vote. The Ides was first celebrated in 44 B.C. when the Roman Senate brilliantly settled a political standoff with Julius Caesar over term limits. But who will win this year? Who will take home with the vaunted Knife in the Solar Plexus, (Where Brutus slipped it to his adoptive father) or the respected Knife in the Back Plaque, where Cassius paid back his old enemy? Can you feel the tension mounting? I can. We've got politicians from every state in the union locked in close contests in all the categories. And this year the trend seems to be "candidates, candidates, candidates galore." Nominations for candidates and categories are still being accepted, but for now, these are our projected winners. Of ....
THE CHICAGO, CHICAGO, YOU TODDLING TOWN MOST ILLEGAL AND SCANDALIST PREFORMANCE BY A CITY COUNCIL ENSEMBLE AWARD:
Most people thought the Republican Congress would win this award in a walk away, what with their slavish devotion to George Bush and the Right Wing of their own party, but there has been a late comer - climbing the charts with an indictment as we say in the political pundit biz - THE ENTIRE CITY COUNCIL OF HONOLULU, HAWAII.
The council is arguably the most powerful political body in paradise. Its nine members represent 73% of the state's population, and it can be controlled by only 5 votes. 12 year council member Andy Mirikitani was recently convicted of federal charges he gave his aides over $26,000 in bonuses on the condition they kick back some to him. He then refused to surrender his seat for another five months until he was sentenced to four years and three months in club fed. Another long time council member was indicted for felony theft for misuse of campaign funds and city staff. She faces 15 years in jail if convicted. Councilman Steve Holmes claimed he got a BA and an MA from U. of Iowa, but the University says he attended but got no degree. Councilman John Felix has been piling up fines of $100 a day since 1999 for running a wedding business out of his home, in what is zoned as a residential neighborhood.
THE MOST INCOMPETENT AND DISFUNCTIONAL CITY COUNCIL AWARD IN AMERICA, AWARD.
Bankrupt Detroit must be considered the leading contender in this category, with, first, their delay in turning over control of the city Zoo to its volunteer group. They took so long, voting the project down before finally voting it up, that the Michigan legislature, which had demanded the turnover before they would kick in funding for the zoo, almost backed out, which would have closed the zoo forever. Then, just a week later, the council, which controls a local water board, voted to raise water rates for their suburban customers but not their city customers. The resulting explosion in Lansing left one representative from Detroit begging his fellow legislators not to be influenced by what he described as a "stupid, stupid, act." "It doesn't mean anything", he pleaded. The state then voted to abolish the city dominated water board and replace it with a suburban dominated one. That would probably violate the Michigan Constitution, but statewide legislators are so fed up with the Detroit city council they may do it anyway.
THE DAN WHITE MOST STUPID ILLEGAL PERFORMANCE BY A COUNCILMAN AWARD
Not unexpectedly, Detroit is well represented in this category, but motor city's least favorite son must be Alonzo "Lonnie" Bates, who was indicted this week by the feds for using his office to extort a local construction company. His criminal enterprise earned him $7,480 in roofing materials and labor. Once a small time crook, always a small time crook. This is the same idiot who gave his ex-girlfriend and her daughter no show city jobs. He also used city funds to pay his gardener, and in what must be an all-time idiot embezzlement, he also used city money to pay his accountant to prepare his taxes. This is known as providing prosecutors with two witnesses for the price of one plea bargain.
THE FEMA MOST OBVIOUS MALFESANCE BY A CITY BEAUROCRACY AWARD
Houston wins this one hands down. The City Council executive is a revolving chair called the Mayor Pro Tem. The office comes with its own funding and its own staff. And the pro tem staff thinks they have been doing such a "Hell of a good job, Brownie", that they recently gave themselves $143,000 in bonuses. It would appear that similar bonuses were self awarded by employees of the Huston Airport System but the cops are refusing to release any information about them because of "security and terrorism" concerns. So far four employees in the pro-tem office have been fired. Indictments are expected to follow, shortly.
THE MARION BARRY WHO DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING AWARD.
Last time he was defiant and proud. This time he kept his head and voice down. He apologized to the court. He apologized to the citizens of the 8th Ward. The great man had been brought low the same way Al Capone had been tripped up. He hadn't paid taxes from 1999 through 2004. It might have been a louder and prouder defense with numerous protestations of innocence and conspiracy, but Marion Barry had also failed a court ordered blood test, showing positive for grass and cocaine. That took the wind out of the ex-mayor, whom most people last saw snorting coke in a hotel room just before the FBI burst in. So Barry has lost his comeback city council seat. The IRS will now take everything else. He owes, they say, $246,000 in back taxes, penalties and interest. He got probation from the judge, but if he fails another blood test he will be going to directly jail, which makes him an early favorite this same category next year.
SPECIAL LIFETIME ACHEIVMENT AWARD; CITY COUNCILMAN ROB OUDKERK
Rob Ouderkerk remains the only politician in the history of the Netherlands who has ever resigned two public offices...because he visited prostitutes. He resigned from the national legislature in 2000, and he resigned his seat on the Amsterdam City Council in 2004. And I can't figure out exactly why he resigned either post. Polls taken of his constituents in 2004 showed 63% said he should not resign, and 73% of all Dutch citizens said that all aldermen and women should be allowed to visit prostitutes. I suppose next they will make it manditory - this is the Netherlands, after all. Ouderkerk's own Labor party membership agreed, and so did the opposition parties. But Ouderkerk resigned anyway, almost as if he were under some kind of a compulsion.
THE SUNSHINE STATE MOST BLATENT ELECTION STEAL ATTEMPT AWARD.
Scottsdale, Arizona is a small town in terms of population, but in terms of arrogant politicians it may be the biggest little town in America. In the March 14 election for City Council three incumbents, Wayne Ecton, Bob Littlefield and Kevin Osterman, were scheduled to run against two challengers, Tony Nelson and Nan Nesvig.
And then a political neophyte, Karl Kullick, filed a challenge with the state election board alleging that 1/3 of Mr. Nesvig's qualifying signatures were fraudulent. Along with the challenge Mr. Kullick provided a substantial check to pay for the review of her petitions. That review showed that, after eliminating all questionable signatures, Mr. Nesvig was 118 names short, and thus out of the election.
Normally that would have been "all she wrote", except that Mr. Kullick has refused to make any public statements to the press. And the check, paying for the signature check, was not his. When questioned by the press all three incumbents, Mr. Ecton, Mr. Littlefield and Mr. Osterman, admitted that they had all agreed to share the cost of the challenge, and they would not reveal the name of the real person who had challenged Nesvig's signatures.
It smelled like an incumbent shut out of any challengers, and now, instead of the four man race for three seats the incumbents had hoped for they faced a voter uprising. After the Arizona Republican ran instructions on how to file as a write in candidate, seven more candidates jumped into the race. There are now 11 candidates running for the three seats. One incumbent said of the disorderly televised debates and the charges flying about, "This election is living down to my expectations." And a pundit opined, "If you are not confused, you are not paying attention."
Whatever the results may be on March 14, , this maneuver must rank as one of the most blatant ballot manipulations since Florida 2000.
More Nominations Tomorrow!
Nominations still open. What about your local politicians? Don't they deserve a reward?