frontpaged at My Left Wing
George Walker Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Fuckhead,
Crap. I'm sorry. Reflex action.
Dear Sir,
I'm sure you have all the advice you can stand these days. I'm sure there are people pressing in among you from all sides--very learned people too! People with degrees from Yale, Harvard, Princeton. Yak, yak, yak is probably all they wanna do, right?
Let's face it: The blunt truth is that life is getting you down right now, Mr. President. Nothing seems to be going right. You're under threat of censure. Iraq deteriorates daily. Support for an invasion of Iran is practically nil. You managed to duck Congressional investigation into your (alleged! I'm on your side here!) law breaking activities. That's good. But nothing else seems to be adding weight to your rather high-riding pan right now. (I'm using an analogy about scales. Is that okay? I don't want to talk over your head.)
In almost every poll, it's shown that 60 perecent of the country hates your guts. The country is divided. That's no good--you're a uniter! You said so yourself!
I have a solution.
Trust me George (can I call you George?): Fuck those people. (Can I say fuck? I'm sure I can. "Fuck Saddam, we're taking him out!" That was you, right?) You need to listen to me. I'm like you George! A good ol' boy! I don't have a college degree...I know you do, but let's face it, you didn't work for it. So we both have about the same education level. Sometimes I get confused about the right words to use. George, I'm just like you. You need to listen to what I have to say.
I have a modest proposal George. Fuck it, man...no reason to be modest. It's brilliant! It's easy to understand! It's right up your alley! It's the perfect way to unite the country. I know you'll like it...
It's a war!
Wait! Don't tear this up yet! I know the last war didn't go so well. But this'll fix it. It's a war everybody can agree on. It's surefire and guaranteed not to fail.
George--Mr. President--I urge you to attack Great Britain.
Why, you ask? Why not?! It's a foolproof plan! First, it'll get out troops out of Iraq. Let's face it, that's the best thing now. Nothing good is going to come of their continued presence there. Secondly, it'll unite the country behind you like nothing else has, not even 9/11. No one likes British people. They're downright un-American. Hell, they're not even American at all. That's strike one!
Let's review, shall we?
1) They drink tea. Tea? C'mon. No one really likes tea...except British people. Which is a sure sign of their perversion. Real men (let's keep this discussion confined to men, yes? Jesus hates women and so should we. Right? Right.) drink coffee. Tea is kinda, you know...gay. And you're not gay are you George? Of course not. You're so manly that even if you were gay, you wouldn't be.
You know why that is? COFFEE. Not tea. You're probably drinking coffee right now, aren't you? Hmm, what's that? Little bit o' Bailey's in it? Nothing wrong with that.
2) They drive on the left side of the road. The fuck is up with that? The left hand is the devil's side. Even the Islamofascists get that. But what the fuck do these British assholes do? They drive on the left side of the road. It's undoubtedly a secret thumb in the eye to good Christian conservatives...they're slyly stating their evil leftist ways!
God's own people drive on the right side. And why? Because it's the RIGHT side. The correct side. The conservative side. Whatever meaning you want to use, the answer is clear: Drive on the right side of the road, you dumb motherfuckers.
3) Their spelling. Seriously, what the fuck is up with it? Using "ou" instead of a good ol' boy "o." They think they're so fucking smart. Trying to sneak in an extra letter to confuse us plain speaking American boys. Armour, colour, neighbour, labour, flavour. Fuckin' dicks. And while I'm thinking about it, what the fuck is goin' on with using "s" instead of the God-fearing letter "z." They're so inconsistent with it too--do they spell it "sebra"? No, they spell it "zebra" like they should. Doesn't the inconsistency piss you off? Sure it does.
Enough to INVADE.
Those are but a few of the multifarious reasons to kick some limey bastard tail, sir! Think of what a feather in your cap it would be. No one has successfully invaded that island since 1066. That's almost a thousand years! William the Conqueror was the last to do it...how great a ring does "George the Conqueror" have? Not even Conan (ARNIE!) himself was even called a "Conqueror." He was only a "barbarian" and a "destroyer"...pretty sure you've already got both of those covered.
Also, Tony Blair is well known as your poodle. A poodle is a horrifically annoying dog. Why not give the poodle a kick? It fuckin' deserves it! 'Sides it'll prove your masculinity and superiority even more. The pioneers slaughtered buffalo...continue the tradition of animal abuse.
Don't be afraid, George. Who cares if they've got a powerful military? We've already soundly whipped them not once but TWICE before in open contest. And we also pulled their blood pudding eating, Triumph driving, buck-toothed bony asses out of the Germanic sling...again, not once but twice! This'll be a fucking CAKEWALK. If not roses, surely we'll be greeted with Guiness and bangers 'n mash. Or some fish 'n chips. (Chips? Fries, dumbfucks. Chips come in a bag. Yet another reason to go in.)
Finally, time for the best reason of all. Maybe they'll send Hugh Grant here as a peace envoy. This will be the perfect opportunity to arrest and execute that motherfucker. Seriously, MY GOD, is there a more irritating human being on the face of the planet?
Think about what I've said, Mr. President. The future of this country and your political party lies in your hands. I'm just trying to give you the same kind of good advice your party has given to us liberals.
Don't bother to thank me or reply. You can take credit for all of this. Just hop to it, quick. Time's a wastin'.
Yours in erect, upright manhood and throbbing patriotism,
Raybin
P.S.--If British might is too scary to you--and I understand your delicate constitution in that regard--there's always Mexico. We already bullied them around and beat them up once...why not do it again? And hey, we got Texas out of the deal then. Imagine getting another Texas! Think of the cheap labor for all your corporate buddies George. Fuck it, man, go for both!
Remember all the cheap whores and coke in Mexico back when you should have been in Vietnam? Sure you do. It's only gotten BETTER. Really. I wouldn't lie to you.