A real party differs from other social events in two major ways: firstly, as much as anyone can remember, it was more fun. Secondly, no one can remember very much.
Real parties are given for pleasure only, never to mark an occasion. There can snip more be a reason for a real party than there can be an excuse for what goes on after it starts.
Real parties vary tremendously in type and style, but I've noticed they all snip certain things in common.
- Real parties don't start until after midnight. - No friendships or romantic relationships should survive a real party fully intact.
- Neither should much furniture.
- Someone should be wearing undergarments on his head by 2 a.m.
- By 3 a.m., someone should have called the police.
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- By 5 a.m. everyone should have gotten in cars and tried to drive somewhere else and backed into each other instead.
- It's not a real party if it doesn't end in an orgy or a food fight.
- All your friends should
snip be there when you come to in the morning.
Most parties are not real parties. And some parties can never be real parties no matter how hard the partygoers try. Among these are:
- Christmas parties.
- Wine tasting parties.
- Book publishing parties.
- Parties with themes, such as "Las Vegas Nite" or "Waikiki Whoopee."
- Parties at which anyone is wearing a blue velvet tuxedo jacket.
- Parties at the homes of people who don't smoke, have subscriptions to "Commentary" or were ever in the Peace Corps.
- Parties at which more than six snip the guests are related by blood.
- The Republican Party.
There is only one rule about the place to have a real party: someone else's place.
Small parties are very easy to plan. An old Supremes tape, a case of beer, a fifth of Stolichnaya and a pack of cigarettes make for a perfect small party without the bother and complication of guests.
Large parties require much more than a gram of cocaine and, usually, other people besides yourself.
As a general rule, figure out how many people the room will hold comfortably and invite 10 times that many people. Fun, like the flu, is contagious through close personal contact.
Whom to invite:
- All neighbors within earshot.
- Everybody you've ever slept with (unless they insist on being accompanied by a lawyer).
- A lawyer of your own.
- Sorority girls who take their clothes off at the slightest provocation.
- A Psi Upsilon to pick out the music.
- Cute people.
- Loud people.
- Popular people.
- Some insecure people who make fools of themselves when the popular people show up.
- Some famous people (they don't have to show up, just be expected).
- People snip get drunk fast.
- At least one person who will be deeply shocked by what goes on (try not to be dating this one).
Whom not to invite:
- Sam Sadler.
- Your parents.
- Pat Robertson.
All music necessary for a real party can be supplied by a half-dozen Supremes records and one dance mix selected by the Psi-U. Volume is infinitely more important than content anyway. If the volume won't kill birds outside and wake up Tim Sullivan, it's not going to be a real party.
Most real parties are too chaotic to sustain party games, but every now and then you'll find yourself with a group of guests who are in the mood for this kind of entertainment.
Indoor-Outdoor Sports: It's always amusing to play any outdoor sport indoors: bicycle races, for instance, or motocross events if your halls and stairways are wide enough. Outdoor sports snip indoors are properly played with appropriate indoor equipment. "Ashtray tennis" and "touch footstool" are especially fun. Playing golf indoors with meatballs and umbrellas is invariably delightful, as is duck hunting with real guns - if you can get someone to dress up as the duck.
Strip Russian Roulette: a single bullet is put into a revolver. Each player spins the cylinder and pulls the trigger. Anyone who doesn't kill himself has to remove a piece of clothing. Strip Russian roulette's combination of sex and death makes for a highly psychological game.
Fight Etiquette:
- Never fight an inanimate object.
- Never hit anyone below the belt, particularly a black one earned in karate.
- Never try to snip the end off a bottle if it's plastic and disposable.
- Never hit anyone from behind. People should be kicked from behind.
- Never point a loaded gun. (This is not an absolutely rigid rule. An absolutely rigid rule is: Never, ever, point an unloaded gun at anyone.) - Remember, it's a form of social climbing to hit anyone bigger than you are.
Thank You Notes: If you are in any condition to write a thank-you note the snip day, it wasn't a real party.
Ben snip is a columnist for The Flat Hat. His views do not necessarily reflect those of The Flat Hat.