I was in the middle of keying some asswipe's Hummer this morning when I noticed a 'Support Our Troops" sticker on the bumper, and it struck me that the old lady watching from behind her curtains across the street might think I didn't support the moral retards who sign away their right to decide for themselves just who they're going to kill and who they're going to let live in this crazy world.
But that was just the beginning of very rough afternoon.
At first I just shrugged the old busybody off, figuring 'so what?' She never leaves the house anymore, at least I haven't seen her out since the time I ripped the 'Bush/Cheney' sign out of her primrose bed and burned it on her front porch, but then it struck me; what if she had a computer?
And then I had a divine inspiration! What if I just spray-painted 'God Hates Fags' on her sidewalk? On my way to the hardware store to get the paint I began to wonder if that was really the message I wanted to put out there.
What if people took it the wrong way? What if someone thought I didn't show proper respect for whatever ridiculous set of ignorant superstitions they hold instead of a world-view?
Fortunately, the Catholic school across the street was letting out for recess and out of sheer habit, I started to expose myself, only just stopping myself in the nick of time out of fear I might upset the little dears, since I wasn't wearing my priest outfit, so I just said something creepy and kept on walking.
When I realized how close I'd come to committing a serious faux pas, I lit up a cigarette and threw the empty pack on the sidewalk. For some reason, this simple act of blatant littering put everything into focus. Normally, I think nothing of it. But I realized, I now represent the left-wing blogosphere, and I must set an example, so that some fuckwad who hates my guts won't say bad things about some people I don't even know. So I picked up the empty pack. Not seeing a wastebasket nearby, I handed it to a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. His eyes lit up with gratitude, and I was gone before he could figure out it was empty. Sucker!
As I made my getaway, I looked back. You won't believe it, but the fucknut was throwing it right down on the sidewalk. My respect for all homeless people everywhere went right into the toilet, and I resolved to bad-mouth them to hell and gone if anyone ever made the mistake of putting me on television again. Littering bastards! He could at least have had the decency to drop it into the landfill that is now encroaching on the school yard thanks to the new policy my neighborhood has of accepting toxic waste from Chinese computer factors. Sure it stinks, but think of the jobs!
I tossed a rock through the old lady's window and went back to my ivory tower to recuperate. I think the pressure is starting to get to me.