I woke up the morning of 9/11 and made coffee. My son, then two years old, was sound asleep. My ex-husband (then hubby), a federal employee working at the local international airport, had already left for work.
I turned on the TV while the coffee was brewing and couldn't understand why network television was broadcasting "Independence Day" at such an early hour. I saw a huge building with a smoking hole in the middle of it. I didn't get it.
My marriage was crumbling and had been for a long time. I was beyond despair, going through the motions of life without feeling. I'd been told to be docile and complacent, to be a strong woman for the sake of my family, regardless of the cost to my sense of self. So when 9/11 happened, I was an automaton. And I'm probably the ONLY American in this whole country who didn't get it.
About six weeks after 9/11, I gave up all hope. It's a long story, but it was the beginning of the worst year of my life.
I remember very, VERY little of 9/11, much less the days and weeks that followed. I vaguely remember a few things, but for the most part I was so lost that I only remotely grasped the horror that everone else felt. I was too busy trying to remember to breathe, to eat, to sleep.
I remember my ex-husband saying he wanted to shoot every Arab on the face of the planet, and that he wanted Bush to nuke Afghanistan. I remember taking flowers to a memorial over my ex-husband's objections. And that's about all.
At the time, I was a wingnut. But at the time, I was absolutely empty. I didn't exist. I'd done just what I was told to do. I'd stopped being Auntie and turned into a warm body who cooked dinner, earned a paycheck, and took care of my son.
**And then...**
Fast forward. I became enlightened when I watched SOTU right before the Iraq invasion and thought "What the FUCK is this about?" I'd watched Colin Powell at the UN and had the gut feeling he was full of shit. I'd heard all the war drumbeats and felt the trepidation. And I learned that the right wing was totally screwed up, so hell bent on vengeance that it didn't care where it's wrath was directed.
But I never really, really understood what 9/11 was because I was, in effect, absent. I've wanted to understand that period of time for a long time, because I wanted to see know whether or not the actions and reactions that came about were rational and made sense. Because I don't remember. And I waited because time needed to go by. I was afraid that understanding what had happened would take me back to the horrible, empty despair I felt at the time that had absolutely NOTHING to do with 9/11.
So this week I ordered the 9/11 DVD produced by CNN.
I wanted to see the news coverage from that day (I was deprived of it by virtue of having to work, never mind that the rest of the country was shut down). I wanted to see the towers collapse (something I'd never either seen nor comprehended), to understand the fear that everyone else felt and that I was simply not aware of.
I watched it last night. I was floored. I cried. I died inside. I'd never seen the towers fall, the people leaping from the buildings, the horror of the people on the streets. I don't remember the national sense of "What the hell is going on and who's next?" CNN did a good job, even though I can now watch it and see the bias in favor of Bush.
And yet, I still can't find ANY justification for where we are now. I can't.
Is it the distance of 4+ years? Is it the fact that I didn't know anyone whose precious life was lost that day? Is it the fact that I don't live in New York or DC?
No.
It's a rational, objective mind that experiences the grief and misery of something that happened in the past.
And who has seen what this nation has become since.
I still don't get it.