I thought it was Jeff Gannon who finally ended irony, back when he--a
fake reporter, with a
fake name, working for a
fake news agency--asked Bush how he could work with Democrats "who seem to have
divorced themselves from reality."
But in Monday's U.S.A. Today, Mary Cheney dug up irony's rotting corpse and mauled it, shredded it, and danced a jig atop the scattered pieces.
It happened when she said of John Kerry:
I just can't believe there are people who would try to use me and my sexual orientation for their own political benefit.
(Excuse me a moment while I emit a long, agonizing SCREEEEEAM.... Okay. There. I feel better. Now continue, below the fold.)
Now, Mary, dear: In 2004 your father, and his President, and his party of demonic flying monkeys, played "
Smear the Queer" in eleven states with so-called "
marriage protection" initiatives in order to lure your knuckle-dragging Orc base out of their caves and compounds and to the polls.
In other words, Mary, your father and his evil minions used YOUR sexual orientation, and MY sexual orientation, and the sexual orientation of EVERY gay and lesbian in the country FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S POLITICAL BENEFIT--and to OUR OWN GREAT HARM!!!
And right now, dear Mary, your Republican party is AGAIN playing "Smear the Queer"--this time in 16 states with ballot initiatives to ban adoption by gay parents.
So, in recognition of your profound inability to perceive your own breath-taking hypocrisy, you win the "Jeff Gannon Irony is dead and they stomped on its head" award.
In addition, Mary, for saying that you are waiting for laws to "catch up" so you can marry your partner, while you are working for the same Republican party that is attempting to BAN gay marriage in all 50 states, and PERMANENTLY ban it with a federal Constitutional amendment, you also win the "Ken Mehlman Head Up Your Ass" award.
And finally, Mary, I think I speak for most gay people when I request you STOP calling yourself a lesbian, since you are giving all us NORMAL HOMOS a bad name.
And maybe even stop calling yourself a human being, because whatever gene bequeathed you your sire's malevolent sneer seems to have also given you his sociopathic "I've got mine--screw the rest of you, suckers" Republicanism--which is more Bushpanzee than human.
Now I suppose some squishy liberals will advise me to pity you. And yes, I imagine it was difficult growing up in your home--seeing as how Republicans eat their young.
But I will reserve my pity for when you stop helping your party destroy our gay and lesbian families--not to mention destroying the environment, the Constitution, the middle class, and even the American military. And did I mention bankrupting the country while giving yourselves endless tax cuts to squirrel away in your offshore bank accounts?
Meanwhile, all the gay Republicans, black conservatives, Jewish Nazis, and the rest of oxy-moronic zoo will just have to feel sorry for themselves.
For now, Mary, all I can say is, God bless you...and the elephant you rode in on.
(Note: Thanks to Stephanie Miller for reading an earlier, shorter, and a bit less vehement version of this rant on her program. We love you, Momma!!!)