Apparently, there's been a lot of talk going around lately about conspiracies? I mean, there's all kinds of Conspiracy Theory diaries, so where's smoke, there must be fire, yes?
Well, I'm as ready to take the bait as any other pinhead. So strap on your tinfoil and hats and join me below the fold!
Daily Kos Conspiracies begins --swoosh! crash!! tinkle! Jeez, ma, I said I was sorry!!-- right now!!
10. There's a plot to Christianize Daily Kos. (Okay, so this one is true. May I just point out that there's like a bazillion SportsNation blogs, and no one ever complains about them?)
9. Everyone is out to get Ralph Nader/Wesley Clark/Hillary Clinton/Joe Lieberman/Chuck Pennachio/Bob Casey, Jr. Also correct. That's because they are in fact the same entity: the Politatron3000, the incredibly-advanced-yet-incredibly-dull electoral robot responsible for such fiascos as Rockford, IL City Council meetings and pretty much anything that happens on "The McLaughlin Group." Have we mentioned that a robot would seem more lifelike than Bob Casey, Jr.? Or that Lyndon LaRouche, in addition to being imprisoned, smells kinda funny? Think about it. Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton and Ralph Nader in the same room?
8. If only anyone would read my 3,000 word screed on how Big Oil is causing the collapse of Western Civilization, we'd all be saved! Listen, we all know that Big Oil is causing the collapse of Western Civilization. But your writing makes our eyeballs bleed, and we have more important things to talk about, like ponies and what a loser Joe Lieberman is.
7. Kos is a DLC plant! Yeah, and Digby is the re-animated corpse of Richard Nixon. Get over yourself.
6. BREAKING!!! Raw Story has the scoop on this really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, important story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1! OMG, I'm going to piss myself I'm so excited!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Listen, you scream BREAKING at me one more time, and I'll break you. Capiche?
5. Pastor Dan hates Italians!! Oh, for the love of Pete.
4. The world is going to shit before our eyes. We have no time for community/fun and games/pootie pictures/stupid snarky diaries. Don't be a loser. There's always time for fun and games. It's how we keep ourselves human when the usual things stop working - bathing, shaving, eating anything other than Cheetos, leaving our mother's basement to go to work. Some of us have allowed our skills at, whaddya call it, human interaction to slip a little. Playing around with one another on the internets eases the crippling loneliness and regrets at not being a strapping, handsome, popular Republican jock. Cheeto?
3. You Kossacks are just like the people on Little Green Footballs. It's all just groupthink here. I don't know why I bother. No, it's not that we all think alike. Anyone who would think about that wasn't around for the Clark wars, the Nader wars, the Dean wars, the anybody-but-Kerry wars, the religion wars (parts I-XXIII), the Pie Fights, the Shut Your Pie Hole fights, the Dirty Hippie wars, the utter and complete destruction of the known universe on Nov 4th, 2004 (subsequently followed by the Can We Get a Grip and Move It Along wars), Hurricane Katrina, anything having to do with Maryscott O'Connor, or pootie picture wars. But we do all agree on this: we just don't like you.
2. Censorship!! Someone's been deleting my comments!!! Where did they go? Where did they go? Yes, yes they did. As discussed above, it's all just groupthink around here, and all the front-pagers have time to do in a day is monitor tens of thousands of comments, magically deleting the select few that happen to belong to you. It is a conspiracy, you know. But never fear: they have been cryogenically stored with Elvis. Now tap your ruby slippers three times and repeat after me: there's no place like Free Republic, there's no place like Free Republic...
And the number one conspiracy on Daily Kos is:
....
Drum roll, please
....
Drum roll?
....
....
Can I get a freaking drum roll here?
prprprprprprprprprprprprprprprprprprprpr.........
Thank you, much better. The number one conspiracy on Daily Kos is:
1. Armando.