Before I get on with the meat of the diary, thanks for everyone's support on my now not true GBCW diary. Not only did I take what most of you said to heart, the large volume of e-mails of people begging me to stay got me so annoyed with replying to people and explaining again and again why I was leaving made me give up and come back. What can I say, my addiction overcame my willpower and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!
Now, on to the real diary wherein I torture myself for your (hopeful) amusement. In September of 2003, Showtime aired what could only be described as a 127-minute campaign commercial for George W. Bush's re-election in the form of the film D.C. 9/11: Time Of Crisis, a historical -comedy- drama about the events of 9/11, supposedly from the perspective of the Bush Administration.
The film makes Bush look like an intelligent and competent hero which is ridiculous enough, but to make matters worse, he is played by actor Timothy Bottoms who had previously played a very different version of the president in the Comedy Central satirical series,
That's My Bush!
I first saw this film, or at least part of it, when it premiered. I was visiting my parents and for some reason they wanted to watch it. They're both Democrats so I have no idea why. I was able to take about 20 minutes of it before telling them I was going to leave... and I'm a guy who spends hours watching He-Man cartoons to make fun of them, so I can handle a whole hell of a lot in terms of horribleness on television.
My review of the film will be extremely long as I plan to deconstruct it entirely. So, I will break it up into small chunks, much like the ones I shall be blowing upon watching this crap.
Oh, one last thing before we begin. I did not spend any money on this film (I shall say no more), so I am not putting money into the pockets of the idiots who made this crap.
The movie begins with the sound of jet aircraft over the Showtime logo, after which we fade in on a helicopter shot of the Pentagon at dawn. Remember, this came out in 2003, but the filmmakers must have hoped that people would be watching this crap in 100 years (ha) and needed some refreshers, so text in a font which I don't know the name of but like to refer to as 'TV Movie Blockletter Condensed' tells us:
ON THE MORNING OF SEPTEMBER 11TH, 2001, THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE HOSTED A BREAKFAST AT THE PENTAGON FOR EIGHT MEMBERS OF HIS STAFF AND ELEVEN CONGRESSMEN.
How nice of him.
Next title screen-
THE AGENDA WAS THE ADMINISTRATION'S REQUEST FOR AN INCREASE IN THE MILITARY BUDGET.
followed by-
IT WAS AN EARLY HOUR, WELL BEFORE THE ONSET OF THE TERRORIST ATTACKS
Damn it, no spoilers!
And... thanks for the summation. I'm sure we won't actually be seeing this happening now that you've told us this, right? Oh wait, this is a TV movie made for Bush supporters. They have to assume half of their audience is illiterate.
So... cut to the breakfast meeting which looks like it's being held in a cheap hilton conference room rather than the Pentagon as a title shows us that the man we see talking is Rumsfeld. Amongst some cheap foley of clinking silverware, a group of mostly old men and a few young guys (probably friends of the filmmakers in cameos) chow down on the type of large, hedonistic breakfasts we expect from these bloated plutocrats.
An actor who is apparently playing Robin Hayes (R) North Carolina tells Rumsfeld pretty much exactly what the text before summed up for us in a very soft-spoken voice which seems a little effeminate for a Republican- and with a very Northern accent for someone from the Carolinas.
Hayes tells Rumsfeld that he understands the need for more money to kill people, but-
I guess we're not communicating our problem. Lack of available funds.
Because if there's one problem that congresspeople have, it's communicating. They are just terrible at explaining themselves, aren't they? They never let us know where they stand.
This is also an obvious jab at Clinton. It's 2001 and the implication is obviously supposed to be 'this is the last administration's fault that the money isn't there.' Maybe it's hidden in a lockbox or something... And sure enough-
Both parties are committed to a Social Security Lockbox.
And by both parties, I guess Hayes means the Democrats and the Greens.
By the way, did I mention that we're 52 seconds into the film at this point? Because we are, and yet it already sucks this much. We finally get a good look at Rummy who looks a lot more like Pat Robertson than Rumsfeld in my opinion. He also sounds less like Rumsfeld than he does Bush Sr... or at least Dana Carvey imitating Bush Sr.
Rummy replies:
Social security is a wonderful thing, Congressman, but without national security, it won't be much use.
See? Republicans don't hate social security, they just cut budgets to it to protect us! That's the problem! Protect us from what, you may ask? Apparently there are people out to attack America. Perhaps someone should let the president know about it. Nah, I'm sure he's busy.
By the way, can you picture one Republican saying to another that social security is a wonderful thing? I sure can't. Rummy lets us know why we're so unsafe- North Korea is firing missiles[?], there was an attack on the WTC in 1993, etc. Boy, you'd he might be a little too worried to sit down and shovel mountains of eggs and pork into his mouth with all this scary stuff going on, but then it is the most important meal of the day, right? Rummy finishes his little 'this will scare the shit out of you so give me money now' speech with this little gem-
There's a war going on out there. It's in slow motion, but it's real.
But don't worry, because Bush is about to kick that slow war up a notch! BAM!
Another congressman asks Rummy if he can be more specific and say exactly what the next attack will be and he says he can't possibly know that- unless he had things like the CIA of course, but he apparently has forgotten about them for now. I also notice that Rummy is apparently drinking both orange juice and coffe as part of this complete breakfast.
I guess we're supposed to watch this and think, 'oh the irony! Rummy warned them it was coming on the day of the attack!' But all I can think is, if you told me that an attack was coming someday but you had no idea when or how or who and then asked me for money, I'd tell you to get lost.
Rummy then questions everyone in the room's patriotism by telling them they have to pick which side to be on when the attack comes. Apparently the way to get on the 'right side' of this war is to totally reform the military. How are we going with that these days by the way?
We cut to the opening titles and then cut to a man who looks absolutely nothing like Andy Card but we're told it's him anyway.
Andy is walking quickly through the hallway of an elementary school. Presumably on the other side of one of the doors, the most powerful man in the free world sits in tiny chair, reading picture books while the first tower burns. We know something is important, because as Card enters the classroom, a Secret Service man puts his finger to his earpiece to listen. Man, America gets attacked and the Secret Service is the last to know. Typical. Card goes into the classroom which is filled with news crews and an amazingly multicultural classroom.
And here we come to a time that would try the ability of even the most ignorant person's ability to suspend their disbelief as we hear Timothy Bottom's incredibly deep and resonant voice which is far more powerful, and charismatic and educated than Bush's real voice. It doesn't help that he speaks before we get a good look at him either.
Bush is telling kids how to pronounce words properly as Card approaches him in the first piece of evidence in my opinion that the people who made this movie didn't even believe it themselves. I mean come on, Bush telling kids how to pronounce things? Even Bush admits he isn't good at pronouncing words properly.
Ari Fleischer takes out his "Blackberry" which is actually a Motorolla Talkabout whatever the hell that is and we see a message that says simply "2ND TOWER HIT" because, apparently, they all already knew it was a terrorist attack... or something... anyway, you'd think Ari would have needed a little more information- and the poor guy is even later in getting the info than the secret service! No wonder he resigned!
We then get a good look at Ari and it leads me to the conclusion that the filmmakers cast him because he was balding and kind of Jewey as Jon Stewart would say-
Card comes up to the president and whispers the famous words we all remember him saying he whispered-
The second plane has hit the second tower. America is under attack.
What?! The second what? Huh? I don't remember that part! Bush, meanwhile, seems to be taking it very well. He apparently prays to god for saving his ass.
Bush does his famous 'looking around after hearing the news' and we find out the reason why he's so confused is all those flashing lights from the reporters' cameras. Didn't someone tell them Bush is terrified of bright lights so they shouldn't use flash photography? In order to make sure we fully understand how evil the liberal media who dares to photograph the President in his natural habitat is, we hear a sting of ominous music.
Then, everyone sits around looking like an idiot for a few seconds. A small black child yawns which pretty much echoes my sentiments at this point. But, the President is a kid lover. He loves kids. So he continues on with the lesson as if nothing had happened, but he's clearly no longer into it. I guess something is bugging him a little, but I can't quite put my finger on what.
Then, after exactly 40 seconds (I timed it), Bush gets up, refuses to speak to the press who ask him if he's aware that 2 planes just hit the WTC and gets up to leave. Yes, you read that right. 40 seconds. Obviously that Michael Moore footage was faked... although, to Michael's credit, he was able to find a much more believable Bush.
Cut to Cheney and his staff standing around watching the towers smoldering on TV. This is apparently the Generic News Channel since the only thing on the screen other than the towers and the smoke is the word LIVE underlined in red in the upper left-hand corner. In this universe, networks have apparently not yet discovered the news crawl or putting their logo on the screen at all times.
We can tell it's Cheney's office, not just because we're told it is, but because there are two world maps on the wall, a desk, a flag and a computer with a presidential seal as the screensaver. What more do you need?
The guy they get to play Cheney actually resembles him somewhat, although he's a lot thinner and less sour-looking.
In the room with him is also a woman who the fillmakers claim is Mary Matalin standing by a painting of some old guy who I guess was a former Vice President, but not one in my lifetime. From the look on Faux-Mary's face, I think Faux-James Carville hasn't exactly been a Ragin' Cajun in the bedroom lately because if that's concern, it sure doesn't look like it to me.
Then, in probably the best casting choice in the movie, the woman playing Condi walks in. A helpful text tag lets us know it's really her and shows us how to spell her name.
Cheney looks at Condi and just says, "Al Qaeda?" Thankfully, Condi has better hearing than I do because over the sound of the TV announcer and the horrible overdramatic music, it sounds more like "Old Clyde, eh?" Actually, maybe that's what she thought. I'm not sure because she just nods with a slight smirk on her face[?].
Suddenly... MR. SULU COMES IN AND ASKS IF IT'S TRUE!
Yes, folks, it's former Star Trek actor and current Howard Stern announcer George Takei playing Norm, which just goes to show you that Star Trek is actually a career-destroying menace and must be stopped before Shatner gets cast as John Bolton!
George Takei doesn't wait for an answer, instead he just turns around and walks out to arm the photon torpedoes or whatever the hell it is he is planning to do. He's also followed by several large, burly men which, if I were more lowbrow, would be a perfect time for a gay sex joke since George has now come out of the closet, but I won't say anything.
And it's back to the school which has an ugly cartoon map of the U.S. as a rug in what we are told is the 'secure room' in the school. We know it's secure because we see a guy in a military uniform put a briefcase onto a table whiile a secret service man guards the television from attack.
Bush is watching recapped footage of the plane crash with a surly look on his face while the news announcer tells us, "this looks like Hollywood, but this is real." He's wrong, but he's only reading the lines they wrote for him.
This is followed by a motorcade of mostly mid-priced sedans with sirens on the top of them going down a street being led by a cop on a motorcycle and inside is a worried-looking Mrs. Bush who is being informed by a man sitting in the Hyundai's front seat about the events so far. He also tells her that 'Senator Kennedy is standing by." I'm not sure what he's standing by for, maybe some of that breakfast from earlier, but he's standing by. He doesn't go on to explain himself, so this shall remain a mystery.
We're also back to bizzare casting. I'm not sure why they cast this woman to play Laura Bush.
Laura sighs and says, "well, the hearing will, of course, be postponed. We can testify about education initiatives another day." Of course, eventually instead of testifying about education she decided to go talk about horse penises to the press, but that's later.
She tells the motorcade to continue on to the hill where they will stand with Senator Kennedy (I guess he's standing by for a photo op) and speak to the press.
She then says, and I quote:
It'll be good to see [Senator Kennedy] on a day like this. He knows so much about national loss.
I'll just let that speak for itself. I end my first part of the review. Believe it or not, we're only 5 minutes and 30 seconds into the movie. I told you this will take a while.