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Personal Diary of President George Bush -PRIVATE!!!

June 12th- Flew into Baghdad. Saw Nouri, had a nice dinner. Didn't know what the Hell anything was, but it tasted good. Except the meat dish. I think I may have eaten a goat. I'll have to talk to Nouri about that.

June 13th- Went for a walk this morning before breakfast. Dick had said not to, but he also tells me everything is going great here, so why not? Got lost. Went down a side street and got grabbed by two men with guns. They asked if I was an Iraqi, and I said no, and they shoved me in the back of a truck. Could hear them talking up front about the United States government offering a bounty on foreigners caught in Iraq and Pakistan and turning me in for cash. What a damned screw-up. Of course we offer a bounty. Caught quite a few bad-doers with it too, folks who are violent, and amoral, and who like to wage war and kill people for no good reason. But not Americans, for Chrissake! I'll straighten this out when I get to our own people. Boy are these two gonna be sorry. I'll throw their asses in Gitmo.

June 14th- The assholes who grabbed me sold me to the US Army for 50 bucks. The stupid Army major wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. Kept asking me if I was employed in Iraq. Idiot. I finally yelled at him that I'm not fucking employed, I'm the godamned President!

Now I'm on a godamned plane to Gitmo.

June 16th- Unbelievable. I'm in a damned cell with a Saudi carpenter and two Indian software engineers. This is a seriously screwed-up system. Nobody will listen to a word I say. I want a telephone! I want my lawyer! They just laugh at me. I have to talk with Cheney about this when I get back. I'm gonna talk with Don too. They can't do this to me. I'm a do-gooder, not a bad-doer. Fucking assholes.

June 19th- Today I met my "lawyer", a junior-grade Lieutenant named Jack from the motor pool. Apparently Cheney set it up so we don't get lawyers, we get "representatives" who don't know a damned thing about law. Jack was sympathetic but said there was not much he could do. According to Jack they don't have to let me get in touch with anyone or charge me with anything or ever let me go. That doesn't sound very American to me, and I told him so. He laughed like I'd said something funny.

When I get back some heads are gonna roll, boy.

June 20th- They got me up at 3 a.m. by playing Barry Manilow music full blast outside the cell. Played it for 12 hours straight. That has to be against some Convention or other. I wish I hadn't said we were going to ignore those, but nobody told me about Barry Manilow. That's just not right. It's wrong.

June 22nd- Jack says they've classified me as an 'enemy combatant'! I asked him why. Well, I didn't ask. I yelled. A lot. The guards came in and tied me up. Assholes. I'm making a list, boy.

Anyway, Jack said he didn't know, they won't show him my file. He says they classified it 'secret', so they don't have to show it to him. I told him that I have rights, you know, like it says in the Constitution. That asshole laughed and quoted me stuff I said about it being a 'godamned piece of paper'.

I took a swing at him and they put me in solitary.

I hate Jack.

June 23rd- They've been playing Roger Miller's 'King of the Road' outside my cell since midnight. 'No phone, no pool, no pets'. They think it's pretty funny. Assholes.

June 24th- I finally bribed a guard to smuggle me a cell phone. Called Dick Cheney. He said he'd "see what he could do". I said he'd better fucking "see", and damn fast! Cheney started dodging, he said that I signed some law or other giving myself no rights in here, and then he mumbled something about "rules" and "working with the system". I hung up on him.

I hate Dick Cheney.

June 26th- I'm free! Mom called Dick and gave him a piece of her mind, so Dick signed some papers and I'm going home. This experience has really opened my eyes. I understand now that it really is against all the values we stand for to round up people without any real evidence against them, jail them without charge, hold them indefinitely without trial or a lawyer, and leave them here to rot. When I get back to Washington tomorrow I'm going to make some changes, you bet!

June 27th- Back home! Watched tv with Laura for a while, and now I have to pack for the weekend. We're having a big barbecue at the ranch. I wonder if Ann Coulter is going to be there tomorrow? Laura doesn't like Ann, but I think she's a pistol. Josh Bolton came in and asked what I wanted to "do" about Gitmo. I asked him what the hell he was talking about. Why should I care about a bunch of godamned terrorists? Let 'em rot, I told him.

I like Josh, but he can be pretty dense sometimes.

Originally posted to Colonel Colonel on Tue Jun 20, 2006 at 04:59 AM PDT.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Brilliant! n/t (3+ / 0-)

    -10.00/-8.73 Ia, Ia, Hastur! Cthulhu Fthagn

    by nyarlahotep on Tue Jun 20, 2006 at 05:04:31 AM PDT

  •  This one cracked me up ... (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    celticshel, Dood Abides

    seriously funny :-)

  •  Pathan chieftains, Somalia and Sunnis to al-Q (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Jesterfox, Dood Abides

    Expanding the itinerary to Afghanistan and Somalia gets the same results.

    They've managed to get themselves into fights with tribal chieftains, who are outside the pools for oil pipeline money and opium money.

    That "enemy," now, isn't Taliban, which is based in a very limited religious caste with a specific non-Pathan ethnicity.

    Bush and his crew are clueless about Afghan society. Also about where the money is.

    Same for Somalia and the Iraqi Sunnis.

    Porter Goss was commitment to inaction. He and Bush gave Somalia to direct allies of al-Q.

    Same for 5,000,000 Sunni Iraqis. Their native Baathism was pretty much replaced in 2004-2005 by Saudi-financed Islamicism.

    $100,000,000 a year to pay poor Sunni ex-soldiers to kill Americans and Shi'ia. Worked like a charm.

    All the GOP's doing is lying about it.

    And the Dems are stuck back in 2003 (=1968.) All they know how to do is carp at Bush like peaceniks.

    Yeah, Bush did everything imaginable to help al-Q. Incompetence at every single turn. Example: putting our kids in the humvee-jeeps instead of using full-track armored 30,000-pound vehicles like Israel. There's nothing more perniciously stupid than the combination of Rumsfeld and Bush and Cheney.

    But al-Q is our mortal enemy, nonetheless.  

    Losing people by the 5,000,000 block to Saudi Arabia's hate mongers is what is happening.

    Stupid war-fighting (GOP) and retreat-redeployment (Dems) are not the only options.

    Israel learned to fight Arab irregulars decades ago. They do what works, not what moves money to DoD's $120,000,000,000 Future Combat System boondoggle.

    Beating al-Q doesn't have to be expensive. I.D.F. lost fewer soldiers a decade (1975-2000) than the U.S. is losing in Iraq every 90 days. Same threat environment. Same mission: SWAT work.

    Learn conversational Arabic, then copy I.D.F.

    Otherwise, Bush's adolescent self-congratulations will leave us with up against it, because Saudi al-Q will control upwards of 10,000,000 people.

    Our boys too dumb to learn a basic "soldaten" Arabic ???

    The cocaine-damaged president, sure.

    But if you're going to do SWAT work, you have to speak the language. Like LAPD and Spanish.

    Nice posting. A little optimistic. It gets Bush about right, but leaves out the Saudi Arabian Imams who are really good at Muslim politics and organized murder.

  •  You should post this at... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    My Left Wing... they would really love it!

    Dudehisattva... <div style="color: #0000a0;">"Generosity, Ethics, Patience, Effort, Concentration, and Wisdom"&l

    by Dood Abides on Wed Jun 21, 2006 at 01:56:58 AM PDT

  •  Well done! (n/t) (0+ / 0-)

    Electronic Darwinism
    "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too? Over." - Sharon Jumper

    by Moody Loner on Wed Jun 21, 2006 at 09:28:34 AM PDT

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