So, Tony, I've been thinking about the conversation - if you can call it that - you had with the President. The private conversation, which you were unaware was being picked up by a live microphone and listened to a probably very-stunned American half way around the world. Transcript
here
It starts off well enough - that is, if you're a pair of teenage potheads. "Yo, Blair!" yells Bush. How dignified. I'm sure you appreciated being called by your last name, and "Yo!" is surely the greeting one would expect from the most powerful man on the planet. His Primeministerlyness mustn't show umbrage though. Must save those private thoughts to oneself, lest one cause an "incident."
Then it goes from bad to, well, very bad, as you take it upon yourself to virtually beg Bush's permission to go to the Middle East and play at being a statesman. Bush doesn't even say no. Just palms you away with an offhand statement to the effect "I think Condi is going..." How does it feel, Tony, to be the plaything of a coke-and-drink-addled ninny with less intellect than you have in your average bout of diarrhoea? I suppose it's worth it though, wouldn't want to damage the "special relationship" and all that. After all, look at all the benefits it brought us: your increased leverage on the Israel/Palestine issue, Bush doing something about climate change, right down to actually being able to look at the source code for a plane of which we are co-owners (F-35). Oh, wait, none of those things actually happened. The shaven ape that is your master hasn't even thrown you a few crumbs. That must sting.
What's next? I bet you really approved of his insights on the Middle East, huh Tone? "See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this shit, and it's over." What were you thinking, Tone? I know what I was thinking: "Do you know what irony is you cretinous fuck?! I mean seriously, what the fuck is "ironic" about needing to put pressure on Syria to stop Hizbollah? Fuck me in the armpit and call me Nancy, are you Alanis fucking Morrissette or something?" Did it ever cross your mind, Tone me old mucker, that "they" should actually be "him" - you know, once again, I must point out that he is supposed to be the President of the United fucking States of fucking America. You know, the world's sole superpower. Why isn't he putting pressure on Syria to do something about Hizbollah? After all, in his estimations that would make the situation "over." What an academic and deeply enlightened view he has of the tangled morass of pissy vipers that we call the Middle East. But when you're an ignorant frat-boy-come-failed-oilman who managed to become President of the United States with very little effort of your own, I imagine you're rather used to easy one-sentence solutions.
Tone, I wont even go into that bit of banter about your buying Bush a sweater and him "know[ing] you picked it out yourself." It brings to the mind ghastly images of you both gathered around a Christmas tree and exchanging kisses in between opening up your presents. Of course, you'd be sat on daddy's lap so you could more easily be dispatched rather too frequently to the drinks cabinet to refill his glass of whiskey. I must stop there Tone, the image is simply too horrible. Back to the Middle East. What was your response to his next pearl of wisdom - "I felt like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen." Was it "yes, you should do that right away, it's nice to see you're taking the UN seriously at last" or even "what a sporting idea George, and while you're at it, why not give your encouragement to our idea about a UN peacekeeping force?" No, it was neither of those things. It was - wait for it - "yeah." Just "yeah." No elaboration or encouragement, just a feeble, useless "yeah."
You know what Tony, I'm ashamed to be British today. Yes, we've been on the decline for more time than both of us have existed on this planet put together, but I feel we've reached a new low now. What's the point in even having a Prime Minister? Why not just create a special Department of the United Kingdom in America and cut out all the expensive middle-men? I'm sure you felt a big man when you were strutting around his ranch in 2003 talking up the big ideas that walking pile of elephant excrement had for Iraq. I'm sure you felt like we'd really get something out of it - to really exert some influence on our overgrown behemoth of an ally and maybe change a few things for the better. But no. Three years later you're just about clinging on to your job for dear life, and walking out of a WTO summit with none of our goals accomplished and a "Yo, Blair!" ringing in your ears. I give in. You're just a wanker. A true, dyed-in-the-wool, Grade-A wanker.
I'm going to go vomit now. Pardon me.