Note: Please read the last paragraph. That's the
real punchline.
It was a difficult decision, but I didn't see how to avoid it. Times are getting so hairy, so disruptive. I can't sleep at night.
I bought a gun today.
It's a big gun, and shiny. Bright blue and yellow and red, with a pump in the front. The yellow reservior holds at least a quart of water for...
The cats...oh, god, the cats that have been yowling and hissing at two o'clock every morning, right outside my apartment window. What do they want with me? Are they fighting, or fucking? Who knows with cats. I doubt they know either, because most of them are neutered.
I tried preventative measures, because really, I'm a cat person: independent, fickle, and fond of profound relaxation. For this reason I followed the advice of a neighbor and prepared a vile concoction of habañero and jalapeño tea (damn, it's hard to find the ñ!), then sprayed it in the area of my door, around the nearby plants, until I found myself choking from the acrid mist.
Oh, now I remember--that's what pepper spray is made of.
Figures that the day after I sprayed the place, it rained. First rain in about a year. So I sprayed again a couple days later. It rained again.
Jeeeeeeezus!!
I consulted my neighbor again, but he didn't know how to combine the spray with glue or something. Then he told me that it was really meant for skunks, anyway. Now he tells me. Maybe that's a tip for somebody...
Anyway, wisps of fur are now floating around the courtyard from the nightly catfights. Something had to be done. A taser probably wouldn't work unless I got in a lucky shot to the nose. Reminds me when I tried to take the family cat for a walk on a leash. More like taking him for a drag, until a car drove by. Then he bounced up and down, screaming. Until then I hadn't known cats could scream. They can, I assure you.
So I walk into the local dollar store (weren't they dime stores once?) and asked for their best "super-soaker" squirt guns. They had a fair variety available, about half of them broken or otherwise unfit for duty. I picked the one that looked like a weapon from Men in Black, festooned with fake tubes and a useless but decorative sphere mid-barrel. Orange muzzle, so cops won't freeek out at my wild plasma weapon.
"I have a squirt gun--everybody freeze!!"
Okay. Now I'm ready for the cats, should they dare to tresspass again on my much needed midsummernight serenity. My only question now is in choice of liquid. Vinegar or water? I don't think I'll go for more habañero (I love copy/paste) because I don't want a bunch of blind cats stumbling around.
By the way, the dollar store now has compact fluorescent lightbulbs for a buck fifty, for the 100-watt replacements. These bulbs are even smaller than before, and they use only 22 watts. No more excuses, people!