From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
The F.U.B.A.R. Guide to Speaking Religiously (in right-wing circles):
"Bless your heart" --- All-purpose phrase that can mean many things, most of them bad. Especially handy when speaking to or about a nonbeliever. When the nonbeliever identifies him- or herself as a nonbeliever, you say, "Bless your heart." Which means, "Bless your heart, because you are going to hell."
"I'll pray for you" --- "You are going to Hell."
"Hate the sin, not the sinner" --- This is what you say about a non-Christian person you disapprove of. ... It's nice, because it lets you get out your hate but still sound Christian. What it means is: "I hate the sin, and the sinner."
Family values --- As in, "I believe in family values." This can mean a variety of things. For example:
"I don't like to pay taxes for government services."
"I'm afraid of homosexuals."
"I'm afraid of black people."
"I'm afraid of foreigners."
"I believe Rush just had a bad-back problem."
"I think the fifties was the best time in U.S. history."
"I'm white."
Evolution --- Absurd theory that holds that the earth is over [six] four thousand years old.
"God bless America" --- "My political speech is over."
---From the sinfully funny FUBAR by Sam Seder and Stephen Sherrill. Bless their hearts.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Note: Today's C&J has been translated from the original Sanskrit.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Connecticut primary: 14
Days `til the Windjammer Weekend in Camden: 36
Percentage of the $420 million charged to government-issued credit cards by Homeland Security staff in the wake of hurricanes Katrina and Rita that wasn't authorized in advance: 45%
Number of vetoes by Franklin Delano Roosevelt: 635
(Source for the above 2 items: TIME)
Number of characters who have been killed in summer movies so far: 4,309
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
Dates of President Bush's August vacations: 8/3-14 and 8/23-27
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Ahhhh!! Dogzilla!!!
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CHEERS to dropping in. Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal "Call me al" Maliki visits Washington, D.C. today to make a few demands:
The requests will include asking President Bush to allow American-led troops in Iraq to be tried under Iraqi law, and to call for a halt to Israeli attacks on Lebanon... more autonomy for Iraqi forces ... to maintain strong ties to Iran... financial aid... [and] amnesty for Iraqi insurgents.
And after that: Shopping! Shopping! Shopping!
CHEERS to Morgan Spurlock. In an interview with Time magazine, the snarky doc-maker talks about his latest project (due out next year):
You're making a film version of Chris Mooney's best-selling book The Republican War on Science. Why?
We've started to make science and empirical evidence not nearly as important as punditry---people using p.r.-speak to push a corporate or political agenda. I think we need to turn scientists back into the rock stars they are.
Some of your critics say you are basically an anticorporate pundit.
In the U.S., we've given corporations all the powers and freedoms of an individual but with none of the responsibility. Corporations need to be giving back to their communities just as much as they're taking away.
Meanwhile, tomorrow night at 10 on FX, catch the season premiere of 30 Days. One of the border-watching "minutemen" spends a month living with a family of Mexican illegal immigrants. Watch out for flying dishes.
JEERS to Arlen Specter. Moderate Republican? Not after we read his nonsensical piece in yesterday's Washington Post justifying Bush's illegal domestic wiretapping shenanigans. Glenn Greenwald, as usual, has the best critique, and here's our two cents: We figure that Specter's "compromise" only works if he turns into Superman and reverses the world's rotation so that President Bush can take back these 2004 words:
"Anytime you hear the government talk about wiretap, it requires...a wiretap requires a court order. Nothing has changed, by the way. When we're talking about chasing down terrorists, we're talking about getting a court order before we do so."
We echo the sentiments of Atrios: "Really, if there's one political phone call you make this year make this one. I know it often seems like this stuff achieves nothing, but it's a quiet (in Washington, anyway) week in July. Surprise them."
P.S. Wait a minute---now Specter's suing Bush in Federal court over his signing statements??? Wow...me gots a case o' da whiplash.
CHEERS to fitting into your college-era jeans again. Saddam Hussein is on a hunger strike, and apparently is in the "supermodel" stage of emaciation. Doctors say he's now dependent on a feeding tube supplying him with the nutrients in liquefied Doritos. After viewing a video of the deposed Iraqi dictator, Dr. Bill Frist pronounced him brain-dead. For once we agree.
JEERS to executive-branch power grabs. The 410,000-member American Bar Association says the number of "signing statements" President Bush has attached to bills passed by Congress is "Out of order!!" ABA president Michael Greco: "If left unchecked, the president's practice does grave harm to the separation of powers doctrine, and the system of checks and balances that have sustained our democracy for more than two centuries." To thank the organization for speaking up, C&J will refrain from lawyer jokes for the rest of the month.
CHEERS to great lawyer jokes. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. lawyers. Hey, we love ya!
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. 15 years ago, President George H.W. Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act. He didn't want anything to stand between his son and the White House.
JEERS to Day 14, same as Day 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. On the Israel/Lebanon border, mayhem and destruction continue as opposing sides go at it with brute force and merciless tenacity. Which reminds me...only 4 months `til the official start of the Christmas shopping season.
CHEERS to arteries of steel. Harry Olivieri, the creator of the original Philly Cheesesteak has died. It took 90 years for his gooey concoction to stop his heart. He was laid to rest smothered in onions and Cheez Whiz. (And two napkins)
JEERS to Christmas in July. In today's must-read, the Washington Post's E.J. Dionne reveals that, with their Scrooge-like conservative agenda imploding before their eyes, Republicans running for re-election are now acting like Santa Claus:
Faced this year with a choice between running on their party's record and delivering pork, they'll take pork. That means that some incumbent Republican senators are acting as if they were seeking reelection for governor---or even mayor. [...]
Okay, all incumbents brag. But from Craney Island, Va., to Cedarville, Ohio, to Pompey's Pillar in Montana, most Republican senators in tight races want to get your mind off that irrelevant stuff---you know, President Bush, Iraq, the deficit, oil prices---and on to those nice little things they've gotten that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad big government to do for you.
Which reminds me. Senator Snowe, the Lexus your guys delivered has a squeak in it somewhere. Please bring a new one. ---Bill
CHEERS to "Uncle Walter." Tomorrow night at 9 on PBS: American Masters---Walter Cronkite: Witness to History Memo to "Aunt Katie": Watch. And learn.
CHEERS to Conservatives Without Conscience. Holy lockstep Republican knuckledraggers, Batman! John Dean's new book, which shines a spotlight on the rabid right's love of "authoritarianism," debuted at #2 on the New York Times bestseller list. Meanwhile, Ann Coulter's book (we've forgotten the name) has started it's descent into the slime-hole of oblivion, and will soon be popping up at yard sales across America for the asking price of one penny. But that's negotiable.
JEERS to upsetting the Godfather. Conservative heavyweight William F. Buckley says President Bush should get the boot: "If you had a European prime minister who experienced what we've experienced it would be expected that he would retire or resign." The White House, always interested in debating the finer points of the conservative movement, issued a brief statement: William F. Who??
CHEERS to the roots of summer. Some say exercise is the best thing to clear your head. I say it's spending a lazy evening pulling weeds. They're the things with all the blooms...right?
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One Year Ago in C&J: July 26, 2005:
JEERS or CHEERS to labor in revolt. Four---count `em, four---labor unions have decided to leave the AFL-CIO because they want to focus more on reversing declining union membership rather than politics. A new beginning...or death by a splinter?
CHEERS to donkey power. Buried in the new USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll---literally the last line of the piece---is this tidbit: "Favorable ratings of the Republican party fell to 46%, the lowest since Bush was elected president; 52% had a favorable view of the Democratic Party." Carry on, Harry, Nancy and Howard...you're doing fine. And John Conyers...you're just a keg `o dynamite, you are.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the best worst writing in the world. Here's Jim Guigli's grand prize winning entry in the 2006 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Revel in the badness...
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
And because Kos is a sci-fi fan, we feel obligated to post Christopher Backeberg's winner in that category:
"Send a message back to Command Central on Earth and ask for their advice, which we will be able receive immediately even at this great distance, thanks to the ingenious manipulation of coherent radiation through a Bose-Einstein condensate and the bizarre influence of the Aspect effect, which enables us to impart identical properties to remotely separated photons," Captain Buzz told the feathered Vjorkog at the comms desk, "and tell them our life-pod is going to explode in eight seconds."
Read the rest here---it's all perfectly bad. The End.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers creates in general an eyesore. Some of the sights the neighbors have to endure are tables outside...blue tarps, tires. We're trying to keep our town clean. It's hard to do when you see stuff like that."
---City councilman Bill Clark
Nitro, West Virginia
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