I hate to disturb your dinner or your breakfast, or lunch or brunch or whatever the fuck you're eating wherever you are in the world but I must introduce into tonight's rant a disturbing subject, a disgusting subject, a foul subject, a subject eminently worthy of Alabama tick-deep loathing and Goldstein Two Hour Hates with no popcorn intermission in between.
I speak, of course, of Tailfucker Joe, scourge of the Democratic Party, sucker of the Clenis, Reach Across the Aisle Joe, or, more accurately, Reacharound Joe. I speak of Joe the pachyderm wearing a too-small donkey costume that cannot hide the gray, wrinkled, J. Edgar Hoover skin beneath, the Joe who has publicly sucked and wrung the Clenis dry of every deluded, moderate vote in its freckled and legendary magnificence.
At first I was perplexed as to why the Clenis would pop up to the aid of a skeletal simp who, in 1998, had publicly excoriated said Presidential Penis for using the Seal of the Presidency as a spooge-rag at "the risk of undermining Presidential credibility." After all, the Clenis may be a Clenis but it wasn't born yesterday and yours truly is convinced that the Clenis remembers all-too-well what "Mad as Hell" Joe said about his extra-marital activities.
Then I started looking at pictures of the two of them, trying to connect the dots. Was it some holdover from the days when he was the Clenis's VP's running mate (during which he was also still running for Senator)? Nah, too tenuous. Could it be because the Clenis was trying to score brownie points for the Clent as an ongoing atonement for what he did with that fat, Jewish girl? Or was it atonement to Tailfucker Joe because said national punchline was Jewish? Or perhaps Gumshoe Joe finally found out where was buried the bodies of the 40+ presidential short-strokers who'd died during the Reign of the Clenis (aka the 2922 Nights of the Long Knives)?
No, no, no and no. Granted, Jane Hamsher had a point when she said on the radio recently that the Clenis had an approval rating among African Americans that was somewhere in the 110% range, a demographic in which the man who puts the "Lie" in Lieberman is notoriously weak. But that wouldn't begin to explain why the Clenis would come out of its hidey-hole in New York to play Shill For a Day for a guy who is to the Democratic Party what Ahmed Chalabi is to Iraq: a One Man Trojan Horse.
A-ha! Could that be it, Constant Reader?
Then I started flipping through the overstuffed Rolodex of my mind, flinging mental cards here and there like Dave Letterman, never to be retrieved, alas, until I recalled what Michael Moore, no fan of the Clenis, said of him at the end of Stupid White Men: "Bill Clinton was the most Republican Democratic President we've ever had."
Light finally dawns on Marblehead. The death penalty. Reversing clean air and water standards. Not standing up for gays in the military by caving in and saying, in essence, You can, while on bivouac, guzzle semen like a Pentagon intern and spelunk into your sister in uniform's womanhood like Al Bundy on a hoagie but don't be open about it. Because gay rights was never about being openly gay, anyway, right?
Gee, what could these two so-called Democrats have in common, despite the fact that one had relations with a pathetic laughingstock with alley cat morals and the other with a lobbyist (but I'm repeating myself)?
It all started when the Clenis stood up straight and tall early this month and ejaculated its support of Joementum by stressing party unity without once bringing up the fact that the One Man Party is himself dividing the Democratic Party with his Clenched Hands Across the Seas style of diplomacy for the Middle East. At how the only difference between Lieberman and a Republican is that he has a lousy backstroke (unlike Monica)? At how Lieberman votes with the GOP more consistently than some moderate Republican senators?
But the Clenis stumping for this power junkie with a swelling of party pride shows that there is honor among thieves, that there is always room for forgiveness and always time to catch the drops of blood from the back before they land on the floor and that politics does, indeed, produce strange bedfellows.
Or simply because it's an addiction to the old boy network that continues to paralyze Capitol Hill just as it's about to paralyze the Republican party?