The Crazy Motherfucker party builds on elements from the history of both parties, according to sources within the party. An anonymous source within the Bush Administration explained that the original Crazy Motherfuckers included both neoconservative Republicans and conservative Democrats. "The first Crazy Motherfucker mission was to persuade the country that the Soviet Union would nuke us as soon as they could," said the source. "Since then, our Crazy Motherfucker analysts have focused on global security, always assuming that our opponents want to destroy America, and always assuming that they would engage in fantastically implausible plots, just because we imagined that they could, and we assumed they'd be even more devious than we are. Lately, we've been trying to recover from the Iraq war, where Saddam really didn't want to invade America while terrorists flew every airplane in the sky into buildings at once. But that doesn't mean Iran wouldn't love to do the same thing."
There is scant official mention of the party in the political press, but unofficial references abound. The slogan, "Crazy times call for crazy leadership," has spread like wildfire as a .sig file on the rare conservative blogs that allow comments, and many members of the Project for the New American Century are believed to serve as officers and members of the Crazy Motherfucker party. An early joke about the Crazy Motherfucker party had been that the first rule of Crazy Motherfuckers was that there was no Crazy Motherfucker party, but the Bush-Lieberman announcement put that to rest, and two fundamental rules are now widely known.
First, prospective members must be crazy, or maintain such a minimal relationship with reality as to be effectively crazy. Bush explained how he qualified, by arguing repeatedly that "We have to attack the terrorists in Iraq before they attack us in America," despite the fact that Iraqi violence is geared towards intra-Iraq targets, based on long-standing ethnic and religious tensions. Also, as Larry the Cable Guy put it, "What, they got planes over there? They ain't gonna swim here with guns." Lieberman operative Dan Gerstein said that his boss had long sought such a political party. "Ever since Joe came back from Iraq and said that things keep getting better, only to have Democrats and dissatisfied voters of all stripes confront him with facts of increasing violence, he has been trying to find a way to express his views without being constrained by negative liberal obsessions with facts and logic. This party is the logical outgrowth of his thoughts and efforts."
Second, members who are certifiably crazy or removed from reality are then asked how far they would go to implement their policy objectives. Only those who volunteer that they would fuck their own mothers if it meant gaining the power to change the world are tapped to join the Crazy Motherfucker Party. So far, this elite circle only includes George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, U.N. representative John Bolton, Karl Rove, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, former Cheney chief of staff Scooter Libby, and, actually, more members of the current Administration than fit in the space allotted for this article.
The Crazy Motherfucker party also issued a press release warning the media and Democrats that it would not rest on its laurels, with Afghanistan reverting to Taliban control, Osama Bin Laden still free, Iraq descending into civil war, Pakistan pardoning A.Q. Khan (known as the Johnny Appleseed of nuclear proliferation), and North Korea's continued weirdness. "There is much work to be done," said the release. "Intelligence on Iran is insufficiently paranoid and exaggerated to match our agenda and ideology, and if the Pentagon, CIA, and other security-oriented agencies know what's good for them, they will hew to our guidelines for manufacturing intelligence and policy. Diplomacy is for punks and wusses. We also urge concerned citizens to create a feedback loop by besieging the media with their opinions, based on our talking points, to build support for our agenda on all levels, from top-down to astroturf."
It was surprisingly hard to find members of the political establishment who would go on the record as opposing the Crazy Motherfucker party or its members. One senior Democrat said that the existence of an overlapping party dedicated to acting like crazy motherfuckers had exposed fault lines in the Democratic party not seen for years, as too many Democrats had shied away from calling their opponents anything negative, much less identifying them as "Crazy Motherfuckers" despite abundant evidence of failed and flawed domestic policy, the cognitive dissonance caused by believing that Republicans were strong on national security and anti-terrorism despite the failure to catch Osama Bin Laden and the quagmire that is Iraq, and the return of harsh rhetoric, which has been the ultimate sticking point for many Democratic politicians. "We are not going to sacrifice our integrity to copy our opponents," said the anonymous Democrat. "Calling people names never did anyone any good in politics."
As if to contest that point, Bush concluded the press conference by calling Democrats "a bunch of liberal pussies who'd probably marry Osama Bin Laden instead of catching him." Finally, Bush took a few questions, but cut the session short when a reporter asked why so few members of the Crazy Motherfucker party had ever served in the military. White House spokesman Tony Snow denied that Bush said, "I don't like you, boy-mommy!" in response to the question, but could not offer an alternate explanation.