I was reading gnostic's diary about Foley trying to set up a rendevous with one of the young men. The dialogue between Foley and the boy seems to indicate that the boy is leading Foley on or flirting, but there's an uncomfortable edge to it. There was quite a bit of commenting on it. As of now, no one knows who this young man is or what was going on in his mind at the time, and I hope that it remains that way, for his sake. But I feel inclined to relate a very personal story that might help some of you understand a little better what may have been in his head. Bear with me, this is uncomfortable for me to talk about.....
When I was sixteen I had a boyfriend who was into mechanics. He took a class at a technical school on small engines as part of his high school work, but at night he was working on a hotrod engine for an old car that he had. Every night he and a friend of his from school would go to the neighboring town to work on this engine, which was sitting in the shop of the man who was their teacher at the tech school. I would almost always tag along so I could spend time with my boyfriend and just hang out. I also liked the teacher's wife and often went to their house across the yard to visit her.
The teacher was a much older man, probably in his mid-fifties. He was fat and bald and generally sweaty, and smelled of stale beer. I was pretty and perky and full of ungoverned teenage pheromones, so I was attractive to the opposite sex. I had no sexual interest in anyone but my boyfriend, and certainly not in this old man. It took me a while to notice that he would hang close to me in the shop, and when I would go across the yard to his house to visit with his wife he would often follow me. Thinking back on it, I realize I was flattered by the attention and vaguely aroused. As I write this I feel both shame and anger, because I was young and innocent, and I didn't realize what I was doing. I didn't encourage him directly, but I didn't scream bloody murder either. I just thought he thought I was hot, and like I said, I was flattered.
One night he caught me just as I was going into the house through the mudroom. He pushed me against the wall and kissed me and groped me. At first I was so shocked I just let him do it, then I was totally grossed out and scared shitless, and I pushed him off of me and told him to go away. He said, "you know you wanted it." Of course, I didn't want it, but I just didn't know what to say, or what to do now. I pretty much ran into their living room and sat on the couch next to his wife, and that's where I stayed for the next three hours, until my boyfriend came looking for me so we could leave. I was upset, but I didn't say anything. His wife asked me several times what was wrong, but I didn't know what to say to her, so I just said I had a headache. When we left that was it for me, I never went back again or told anyone what had happened.
I have wondered many times since then what would have happened if I'd told someone about this. I wasn't the only girl who hung out there, so I doubt I was the first or last to catch his eye. Would I have been ridiculed and abused by an uncaring, unbelieving public, or would some sort of punishment been dealt out to that man? Did he assault other young girls? Would my telling someone have made a difference, or would I have been ignored?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, kids do alot of stupid things without realizing what it is they're doing. The young man in the IM's might be gay, but that's neither here nor there. He may have been flattered, as I was, he may have even been flirting and teasing a little, as I did. That is the nature of young humans whose hormones are running amok. They don't realize the danger of what they're doing, that they can be hurt in ways they don't understand, just as I didn't know. I think speculating about his motives is a fruitless exercise.
I wish I could give the young man in those IM's a motherly hug and tell him it's okay, he didn't do anything wrong. I wish I could do that for all of those young men, who are surely scared to death about what is happening regarding Foley now and all the uproar this is causing. I also wish I knew if the man who assaulted me all those years ago did this to other girls. I'll always feel a special kind of shame for what happened, and for not telling anyone. The young man (or young men?) who came forward about Foley should take comfort in the fact that they did what I couldn't do, they told someone the truth.
Please be kind, this is my first diary and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet...
Hey, Everybody......thanks so much for all of the great comments on this diary and the kind things that were said to me and others telling their stories. I'm an empathetic person, and I often find that if I can open up and show something of myself that is fragile, I can allow others to do the same and we all come out of it for the better. I feel very gratified by what we did here today. I hope that you do, too. Thanks, again, for making my first diary memorable, positive, and productive. :-)