Don't ask me how I got it, I can't compromise my sources, but it went something like this:
[Crowd noises, inaudable murmuring]
Baker: "OK, OK, we need everyone to leave the Oval Office for a moment ... whoa, not you Mr. President [inaudible] I just want to talk to you in private, please.
[Inaudible murmuring, door closing]
Baker: "Now LISTEN you little piss-ant, I knew you when you shit in your diapers and if you're not doing it again over Iraq right here, right now, you're even dumber than ... "
Bush: "But ... "
Baker: "DID I ASK YOU TO SAY SOMETHING??--knew you to be. Here's what we--ahem--YOU are going to do, IF the thing doesn't go into total meltdown before the election."
Bush: "But who leaked ... "
Baker: "Me. THAT'S who. I leaked the report, Butthead. We can't waste another minute if you want the Gee Oh Pee to be more than a sewing circle by 2012. Disagree with that assessment?"
[Two-minute pause with no conversation]
Baker: "Good. The bottom line is, no one can fix this Iraq catastrophe, not God or the Jolly Green Giant, whichever you believe in most, all we can do is keep the lid on as much as possible until we can pretend something went OK enough for us ... sorry, Mister President [extremely sarcastic tone], for you to say we can leave. Best thing I can come up with is maybe we do the purple finger thing for American Idol but I'm still working that out. OK, Littlegeorge, go let `em in and pretend to be presidential--tell `em whatever you want. Oh, and one more thing: you call me `Jimmy' in public one more time and this Gucci is going right up yer ass. Good thing I wore brown today. Go ahead, bring `em in. I'll be right behind you ... "
[Door opens, crowd sounds, tape ends]