I hereby, with 100 percent confidence in my decision, in the interests of the country, and, dare I say, the world, wholeheartedly and unreservedly endorse the Republican party in this 2006 election. The choice is an obvious one, but for those who dare not venture into the revelatory land of
Bizarro World I will explain.
Let us think back to the summer of 2000. The NASDAQ, Dow and S&P 500 had recently reached all time highs, people were making fortunes off of well thought out ventures, such as drkoop.com, enabling Ferrari salesmen in Silicon Valley to become millionaires, and many, many, many, people had jobs. There is only one word to describe this state of affairs: boring.
I mean, god knows no one really wants to work for a living, and you can only get so much entertainment out of looking at the hockey stick growth of your investment portfolios, plus the Ferrari spent most of the time in the shop anyways (and only produced speeding tickets, not Christie Brinkley, when it wasn't). Heck, seeing the Yankees win their third straight world series was a complete downer.
Enter George W. Bush and his merry band of mischief makers to provide what this country really and truly needs over all other things: entertainment.
And that is what Bush & Co. and their brownshirts in congress have provided ever since. They got things started with bang in the 2000 election spectacle. Who would have thought the nation could be riveted by a saga that surrounded small pieces of paper with a proper name, some nice back flipping "strict constructionists", and a man named "Jeb." But there we were, not once but twice 'cause, god knows, having the voters decide elections is a giant snooze. But having an unsigned Supreme Court opinion decide it more than a month after the vote? Can you say, ratings bonanza?
After a short transition period, Bush & Co. released their next hit and ordered a first strike on China by having a surveillance plane ram a Chinese fighter jet, much to China's surprise. This was followed up by an invasion of Chinese soil by the same plane to establish a beach-head. After about 10 days of prostrating ourselves before the Chinese, we declared a glorious victory and took home the spoils of war, leaving the Chinese with only some highly sophisticated, top secret, and immensely valuable state of the art surveillance gear. Score: Bush & Co.: 1 China: 0.
Bush & Co. were not involved in the next major production, the tragedy of 9/11. However, they promptly stepped on stage with the Afghanistan campaign. It was a rousing success, beyond anyone's imagination when the U.S. did what the USSR could not: conquer that country with minimal involvement of U.S. troops. It was a bigger hit than The Phantom Menace. However, just when the final act was being played out in Tora Bora, Bush, like George Lucas circa 1997, thought to himself, "Man, I can milk this thing for at least 7 more years, but I gotta have Osama out there." And so, Osama and his sidekick escaped, to have their visages floated on television screens around the world and to serve as bogeymen to scare the American public into voting Republican.
Pyrrhic victory in Afghanistan was followed by: Iraq: Shock & Awe. This would be Bush & Co.'s greatest hit, as evidenced by the fact that it's still in its first run more than three and a half years after release, and shows no signs of slowing down. Soon it will run longer than Cats. And why not? Who can't appreciate the entertainment value of car bombs, torture, videotaped beheadings, sectarian violence, headless corpses sprinkled around Baghdad like daisies, and thousands of violent deaths, all blamed on the good ole U.S. of A.? I mean, it's like Braveheart on a daily basis, who doesn't like that?
And the hits just kept on coming for Bush & Co., swift boats in 2004 and re-election of the merry band. Continued non-stop terrorist attacks around the globe, a few molested pages here and there, gigantic deficits, tax cuts for the rich, $3/gallon gas, why stop now? I mean, who needs peace and prosperity when mayhem and murder are much more thrilling?
Sweet. Glorious. F*cking. Entertainment.
I want more.
Vote Republican in 2006.