On July 4th of this year, waiting for the family to mobilize for a picnic I found myself thinking how much I love the 4th -- love talking to the kids about the Declaration of Independence and the summer deliberations of 1776 that started not just the American revolution, but provided a spark for democratic revolutions around the world for more than two centuries. I love the camaraderie and games at the picnics, and the concerts we usually go to.
Of course celebrating July 4th under Republican rule is bittersweet -- celebrating a glorious past while they wreck our future.
I wondered what the Republican idea of a great holiday would be, and it hit me that it already existed -- Halloween.
So I scratched out some of the rationales, and present to you (a bit amended), now:
The Top 10 reasons Republican Politicians Love Halloween:
10. Offers an occasion for warm contemplation of the Salem witch trials, the Spanish inquisition, and the "good old days" in general
9. Republicans just love to parade around in disguises (e.g., caring about national security -- beyond awarding no-bid contracts to their cronies -- being fiscal conservatives, being opposed to corruption, having moral values, etc.)
8. Specifically, Halloween gives them potential cover for dressing up in military uniforms (which they all think look really cool, but which most Republicans, otherwise, would never think of putting on)
7. Oft-repeated "Trick or Treat" request offers secret thrill and provides psychological justification for generously dispensing the former throughout the year
6. Gives them a chance to inconspicuously, um, "check out" the young boys and girls in their neighborhoods
5. Anything that distracts the public from the melt-down in Iraq and all the 5-alarm Republican corruption scandals is considered a plus
4. The one night a year they don't have to pretend to be Christians
3. The day after Halloween kicks off the annual "War on Christmas" celebration, wherein Republicans can bask in manufactured victimhood about fake repression for 8 glorious weeks
2. Republican politicians love giving out huge volumes of candy under the cover of darkness (though they generally prefer using defense appropriations, highway bills, energy bills, farm bills, etc.)
1. How could Republicans not love a commercially-driven holiday that celebrates fear and superstition with excessive, unhealthy consumption?
It's almost like Karl Rove designed it. I wonder what George and Condie and Alberto will dress up as this year...