From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
MEDICINE THURSDAY:
In light of the $253 million judgment against Merck, we can only wonder how they would've fared if their legal team had been a little more, um, thorough in their labeling...
Side Effects: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat or ringing in the ears ... Projectile vomiting is common in 30 percent of users---sorry: 50 percent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine with audible raspy breath, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is allowable. Bowel movements may become frequent, in fact every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or in fact any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you ... If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be considered a "countdown" ... Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if you feel qualified for a desk job; that's good advice anytime. May cause famine and pustules ... This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during Catholic mass, "I'm gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom. This is because you are about to die ... Do not use this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900MHz, or you will be very dead, very fast ... Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from the Geiger counter ... WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by 21 feet ... While taking this drug you might want to wear something lucky ... You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will experience an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weaponlike utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.
(Excerpted from Pure Drivel by Steve Martin)
Cheers and Jeers dispenses prescription-strength snark in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 25, 2005
Note: After consulting with our internal pollsters, C&J has decided not to declare war on Sweden.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Labor Day: 11
Percent of Americans whose personal data has been exposed to security breaches this year: 50%
(Source: Money magazine)
Number of extremist right-wing hate groups in America in 2003: 751
Number of such groups in 2004: 762
(Source: U.S. News via The Week magazine)
Number of right-wing hate groups that verbally taunt brook trout: 6
Cost of the Iraq war so far: $258 billion
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day "Ho Ho Hooooo!" Four months and counting!
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CHEERS and JEERS to the base closure decisions. It could've been worse: Brunswick Naval Air Station will close, costing Maine about 3,000 jobs. But...Portsmouth Naval Shipyard will stay open, preserving 4,200 jobs and a model of efficiency. The Base Realignment and Closure Commission also gave C&J the "little green light" to continue in our unofficial military capacity of searching the skies for aliens. They're coming, y'know.
JEERS to crocodile tears. Pat Robertson---after spending the day cynically holed up with his thugs at CBN trying to figure out how to justify his wingnuttiness---finally apologizes through gritted teeth for urging the assassination of Hugo Chávez (but not, of course, without comparing the Venezualan leader to Hitler in his press release---it's a requirement these days). The last thing on the Reverend's mind through all this: following the non-violent teachings of a certain Jesus "Oy! Where Do These Idiots Come From?" Christ.
JEERS to signing pacts with the devil. Inexplicably, The 700 Club, whose founder advocates assassination of world leaders and even dropping a nuclear bomb on the State Department, airs on the ABC Family channel. And yet the network has no plans to dump the radical hate-monger. If `Whose Line Is It Anyway?' wasn't on there, I'd activate my V-chip.
CHEERS to something we actually haven't fucked up in Iraq. Well Lordy, Lordy! A huge salt marsh believed to be the site of the Garden of Eden---if ya believe in that sort of thing---is being restored after being drained by Saddam "I Know Yoda's In There Somewhere" Hussein. The U.S. project has been so successful that the marsh is almost 40% restored. The only glitch: it was accidentally re-populated with Budweiser frogs.
JEERS to living with the one you hate. This is just great. Rep. John "Major" Hostettler (Ass-IN) suggests he wouldn't mind passing a federal law outlawing divorce. Good luck getting that through the powerful Republican Coalition of the Cheating subcommittee.
CHEERS to the pummeling of the president. (Via Americablog) Hey, ya know how the villain always gets the everlivin' crap kicked out of him at the end of chop-socky kung-fu movies? Well, you ain't seen nothin' `til you see USA Today columnist DeWayne Wickham knock George W. Bush into the middle of his next vacation. Okay, who's gonna clean this mess up?
P.S. Nice 40 percent approval ratings there, pard'ner. Hayyyyyy...YAH!!
JEERS to two-faced bastards in moth-eaten uniforms. (Via Atrios) As Billmon shows, the American Legion set strict standards in 1999 for endorsing military action in Yugoslavia during the Clinton years. Those standards (have "a clear exit strategy," for example) make a lot of sense. But when George W. Bush makes a mockery of those rules at a cost of thousands of lives, billions of dollars and no controls on war-profiteering, the American Legion looks the other way. We find you GOP shills guilty of cowardice in the face of reality. Here's your potato peeler...get busy.
JEERS to acting your shoe size instead of your age. Here's a story you might not expect to find on a web site called "Science Daily": Some weirdo in Britain is running around in nothing but a diaper, asking women if they know of any diaper-changing stations in the area. Why yes, my good fellow, it's right over there in that building marked Scotland Yard.
CHEERS to beautifully warped minds. Tim Burton turns 47 today. `Ed Wood' and `Beetlejuice' remain two of our favorites. And those Mars guys just keep keep getting better with age. Ack Ack!!
CHEERS to great moments in pop culture. On August 25, 1979, The Knack's "My Sharona"---with a bass line par excellence---started its 6-week reign at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. All together now: "My! My! My! I! Yi! Woo!"
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C&J Flashback: August 25, 2004...
CHEERS to Driving Osama bin Daisy. The evil one's personal driver, Salim Ahmed Hamdan, becomes the first detainee to be arraigned at Guantanamo. He'll likely get the severest penalty available: 20 years in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
CHEERS to twisted briefs. The Underoos at the Family Research Council are in post-wedgie position this morning, thanks to Cheney's apparent flip-flop on his gay marriage stance. Someone at the Secret Service is gonna pay for losing track of Dick's medication schedule.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to popping wood. For the tree-huggers on your list, C&J directs you to these electronic accessories au naturel. And this woody cell phone is pretty nifty too. But if it falls from your hand in the forest, does it make a sound?
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Mr. Saddam confirmed that he canceled all the power of Cheers and Jeers. At present, his only authorized defense counsel is a small goat named Fred."
Iraqi Special Tribunal statement
8/24/05
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