From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Now THIS makes sense (from "Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway")...
"As I see it...if we're going to solve the Social Security problem, we need to increase the number of young people in this country, while ideally at the same time we decrease the number of old people. How can we do this? I have come up with a practical, three-pronged action plan:
Prong One: We hire a band that makes hideously ugly music, such as Limp Bizkit, and we announce that this band will be holding a concert in, let's say, Nebraska, and that everybody in the entire world under the age of 25 can attend this concert for free.
Prong Two: On the day of this concert, we get every newspaper in the United States to print coupons that are good for one free entrée, on that day only, for any person over age 65 at any restaurant in Canada or Mexico.
What would happen, of course, is that millions of young foreigners would pour into the United States, while simultaneously a giant caravan of senior citizens driving 1987 Oldsmobiles would be leaving. We would wait for exactly the right moment, and then execute:
Prong Three: We permanently close the borders.
What do you think? It may not be a perfect plan, but I guarantee you it's better than anything Congress can come up with."
Let's do it! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's More World... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 7, 2005...
NOTE: We have discontinued the Tip Jar. Thank you for the insane amount of mojo you've bestowed upon us over the past 15 months. It's enough to sustain us until Social Security kicks in. Please visit the diaries and bestow your mojo on the next generation of Daily Kos superstars. Me? I am SO yesterday's news...
By the Numbers:
Days `til Friday: 1
Days `til Passover: 16
Days `til Christmas: 262
Percent of Americans who say Republicans are "trying to use the federal government to interfere with the private lives of most Americans" on moral values: 55%
Percent who say the same thing about Democrats: 40%
(Source: USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll)
Value of U.S. Treasury Bonds, according to George W. Bush: $0
What you see when you look into Bush's ear: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Yaaaay! Doggie field trip! "Please please please let it be the Alpo factory tour..."
CHEERS to egg on face. That "faked" Terri Schiavo memo---the one saying the fight to keep her alive was "a great political issue" for Republicans---is real and came from the GOP after all (specifically, the office of Florida Senator Mel "Pedro" Martinez). And now, let us bask in the irony of this March 30 line from John "Kickmeinthebe" Hinderaker at the Blog of the Year: "As I said to Howard Kurtz, `The content of the memo tells me it wasn't prepared to benefit the Republican Party, it was prepared to benefit the Democratic Party.' No kidding.
CHEERS to getting a move on. The Shuttle Discovery---newly refurbished with a gaggle of safety features and GPS StreetPilot system---is slowly inching toward the launch pad in preparation for a launch in mid-May. And you just know some smartass techie is walking beside it going, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Huh Huh? Are we there yet?"
JEERS to the Washington Hillbillies. George W. Bush viewed the Pope's body yesterday and found him "not very talkative." Daddy Bush is there to keep his son from crawling on the furniture. Senate majority leader Dr. Bill Frist says he's sticking with his earlier video diagnosis that the Pontiff is just napping. Tom Delay's there, too, and you can bet your ass it's not on his nickel. But we're not complaining---at least they're all out of the country.
CHEERS to Jane Fonda. On the Al Franken show yesterday, she apologizes (again) for her Vietnam stunt, opens fire on the rabid right, and reveals the secret to her new life: "It's all about process. If you're not having fun in the process of doing something, it's not worth doing." Yup.
JEERS to Al Franken. For crossing the line with this query to Fonda: "Were you still bulimic in Vietnam? Did they throw a banquet for you there?" Thud.
CHEERS to Victor Yushchenko. The new Ukrainian president--looking more like a leader and less like a poisoned toad---spoke yesterday to a joint session of congress. Said he: "We do not seek only a thaw in the frosty relations of the past. We seek a new atmosphere of trust, frankness and partnership." So what are you doing here? We suck at it.
JEERS to leads that bleed. We read in the April issue of The Progressive about a study showing that, in the month leading up to the November 2 elections, local TV stations in large cities "devoted eight times as much air time to car crashes and other accidents than to campaigns for the House of Representatives, state Senate, city hall, and other local offices." In other words, they focused almost exclusively on the presidential campaign.
CHEERS to the real start of spring. Well, Hallelujah...the cherry blossoms In Washington, D.C. will be in full bloom this weekend, just a tad behind schedule. But...[munch munch]...I think they need to rip these out and plant new ones. They [munch munch] don't taste like cherries at all.
CHEERS to "a good walk spoiled." The Masters golf tournament starts today, and it's expected to turn into a grudge match between Tiger Woods, Vijay Singh and Phil Mickelson. We are mindful of the fact that Augusta National is basically a bunch of rich white men cavorting in their rich white man world (lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills and all that). But, my goodness, Bobby Jones did build a heavenly golf course. Now...where's the beer cart?
JEERS to another insane Texan. Yes, there's more of `em to worry about. The Progressive reports that Rep. Sam Johnson (R-TX) told President Bush to drop nuclear bombs on Syria. He also told a crowd at the Suncreek United Methodist Church that, "Syria is where those weapons of mass destruction are, in my view. You know, I can fly an F-15, put two nukes on `em, and I'll make one pass. We won't have to worry about Syria anymore." Is it something in the water down there?
JEERS to perks for the planted. Wow...you really can take it with you! McDonalds just paid $5 million in bonuses to a couple of former CEOs who are sort of, um...dead. The joke's on them, though. When they exchange it at the First Bank of Heaven, they'll be lucky to walk away with 50 cents.
CHEERS to lessons in civility. In England, the Department of Education is spending $18 million on mandatory "politeness classes" for elementary-school children. The effort is intended to counter a country-wide wave of rudeness. On the syllabus: lessons in forgiveness and how to pay a proper compliment. In this country we'd start with "How to resolve disputes without pulling a handgun."
CHEERS to birthday wishes you can't refuse. Happy 66th birthday to Francis Ford Coppola. He's written, produced or directed a bunch of nifty flicks besides the Godfather saga. We can't decide which one is our favorite, so we'll be a good American and just follow the herd. Take the poll...
C&J Flashback: April 7 2004...
JEERS to John Snow. According to `The Week' magazine, the Treasury Secretary gave a speech in which he said frivolous lawsuits have gotten so bad that there aren't any ladder makers left in America. Except for the 11 companies that make $850 million per year manufacturing and selling them here, that is. The statement was later retracted. (No allowance for you this week, moneyman.)
CHEERS to Randi Rhodes. "14 percent of Americans think things are going very well in Iraq. Then again, 14 percent of Americans are drunk before noon." It's official---I'm hooked.
And just one more...
JEERS to unsolved mysteries. A deposed, follically-challenged, White House day-pass-loving "journalist" was also a $200-an-hour prostitute. This isn't him...is it? But what I really want to know is how those "clients" came up with 40 bucks apiece...
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?