How to Lose in 9 Steps: A campaign guide.
1. Ignore the power of specificity.
Lament that Democrats need to stand for something. Don't be specific about what they need to stand for. Don't specify where or when they failed to take a stand.
2. Refer to Democrats as "they". Take noooo responsibility. "They" need to stand up. "They" need to lead. (Remember to be unspecific.) After all, you voted. You may be a Democrat, but you're not one of the leaders. Other than throwing up your hands, what else can you do?
3. Ignore all signs of hope. Congressional Democrats defeat a hideous, opressive healthcare bill? Ignore it. Feingold walk out on Specter's gay-marriage-amendment committee meeting? Boxer call Republicans insecure for demanding English-only laws? Don't worry - the media will not notice. And don't even THINK of calling anyone's attention to it.
4. Remember the yabbut defense. "Yeah, but Boxer and Feingold are the only ones standing up. The rest are cowards!" "Yeah, we might win the house, but Rupert Murdoch will still manipulate the masses through MySpace and FoxNews!"
5. Deify Karl Rove and Republican strategists as evil geniuses. Don't just say they play hard and dirty. Put them on a virtual pedestal as all-knowing, all-powerful message crafters. We will never touch their supreme campaign abilities. Convince yourself they are super-human. Us? Mere mortals.
6. MESSAGE. Delay any and all action until we come up with the panacea: the magic, unfailing MESSAGE that will make even the most right-wing nutjob vote for us! Obsess over message. Do NOT try to talk about why you are a Democrat - don't you know that will turn off Joe Sixpack??? Are you nuts??? We need a one-word message we can repeat incessantly without deviation. You know, like the Republicans do.
Remember - we cannot START turning this country around until we tackle this - the magic message.
7. Play into Rove's media narrative. It goes like this: "sure, Republicans are more corrupt everyday, but the Democrats will screw up the campaign and still manage to lose!" There are two parts to completing this step:
a) buy myth #1: we can't win by running against them. Yeah, yeah, we have to offer voters something. Therefore we can't say anything bad about them. For example, hideous statements like this inverted Patrick Henry declaration uttered by Senator Roberts this week: "you have no civil liberties if you are dead." Roberts the fearful may feel more comfortable in communist-style countries with more surveillance. But don't tell anybody! We can't win by running against them.
b) buy myth #2: no matter how bad the Republicans are, the Democrats can't lead. The sheeple will remember the last three words of that statement. Remember: don't be specific.
8. Do NOT leave your comfort zone! Is there a clean money campaign in your area? Don't volunteer!!! That's scary and new. Besides, you have no time! After work and the kids, and writing comments on daily kos, there just aren't enough hours in the day!
9. Quash all conversations with unconstructive Diebold comments. Unconstructive is the key word here. Pointing someone to an application to be a poll worker is constructive - don't do that! Asking someone to sign a petition for paper ballots in your state - a nono! Another thing - postpone ALL activity and action until Diebold machines are no longer in use. This is new terrirory!!! Politicians have NEVER tried to steal elections in the history of mankind - Diebold, like Karl Rove, is all powerful!!
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Powerlessness is a familiar and comfy place. Remember: you have no power.
Paralysis approaches - surrender now, before it's too late!!
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UPDATE: Many thanks to SusanG for resurrecting this guide in her diary rescue!! (Is it tough love? I really mean no harm, guys. If anyone's a sinner, 'tis me!!)