From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Odds and ends...
"President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago."
---Jay Leno
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Bob Corker is gay. He may not know it yet, he may never know it, he may go to his sarcophagus wrapped in denial, but his fascination with [Harold] Ford's prowess and good looks gives him away, as does his political affiliation. All Republican political figures are gay, especially the men. When President Bush insists on kissing one bald head after another, the psychosexual symbolism speaks for itself. He's planting his lips on big uncircumcised Kojak peckers. When Rush Limbaugh packs his Viagra and jets off on a tropical jaunt with the guys, it's assumed there are saucy wenches awaiting him under the sultry palms, but I wonder---I wonder if it's cabana boys making the hammock sway under the moonlight.
---James Wolcott (More here)
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"Election irregularities are particularly acute here in Ohio. Two years ago, voting was marked by long lines and insufficient voting booths in many neighborhoods---oddly enough, mostly minority neighborhoods. Many blame the fiercely pro-Bush Kenneth Blackwell, who oversaw the elections as Ohio's Secretary of State. Who is Kenneth Blackwell? Think of him as a more `do-able' Katherine Harris."
---Jon Stewart
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History of spitting on women
Stuffed deer head in black family's mailbox
Isn't afraid to use racial slurs in public
Uses goons to beat up people
Quote: "Let's enjoy knocking their soft teeth down their whining throats"
---The General's Tough Guys of the GOP trading card for George Allen
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"So far almost 2,800 American soldiers have been killed in Iraq. I say "almost 2,800" because there is no exact number. It changes by six or eight every day. That's how many of our young men get killed. And for what? Just tell us, Mr. President. For what? It hasn't even been good for Iraq; it certainly hasn't been good for us. The whole world thinks less of us for what we're doing there. This little war is costing us $2 billion a what? I forget, a day, a week, a minute? It's the kind of money I can't even imagine. "
---Andy Rooney
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"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Election in 4 days. I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon? Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 3, 2006
Note: To keep the blog free of clutter, C&J will not appear next Tuesday. We will, however, return Wednesday, November 8th. Hopefully with one of these: :)
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the mid-term elections: 4
Days `til For Your Consideration: 14
Months since Dick Cheney said the insurgency was "in its last throes": 17
Likely voters who plan to vote for the Democrat in their district: 52%
Likely voters who plan to vote for the Republican candidate: 34%
(Source: CBS News/New York Times poll)
Average cost of flying home for Thanksgiving this year: $434 (Up 15%)
(Source: USA Today via The Week)
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,691
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "I knew it...you've been screwing the milkman again..."
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CHEERS to celebrity sightings of the near-future. The clue: Kossack Sinfonian (who has a nice blog of his own) e-mailed to say he'll be appearing on "this" popular game show starting next Monday. Ding! What is Jeopardy? Correct for 500! Good luck, kid...especially on those killer Potent Potables.
JEERS to John Boehner. Things aren't going so great in Iraq, so who does John Boehner blame? The troops. Unlike Kerry's little gaffe, this was not intended as a joke:
GOP House Majority Leader John Boehner: Let's not blame what's happening in Iraq on Rumsfeld.
Wolf "Bad Santa" Blitzer: But he's in charge of the military.
Boehner: But the fact is, the generals on the ground are in charge.
All I can figure is...Rumsfeld has some serious shit on this clown. (My guess, judging from the spray-on tan and eyeliner: closet drag queen.)
CHEERS to the Father of the 50-State strategy. Speaking in Burlington Wednesday, DNC chair and netroots hero Howard Dean blasted away at You-Know-Who:
[Dean] said Bush and his administration share some of the characteristics of Nixon and his administration. ... "They're both using the IRS for political purposes. They're both spying on people they don't like and not just terrorists, but also American citizens. Neither one of them particularly believes in judicial rights. They've both been dishonest with the American people."
And, if I may dare crawl out on a limb...both got their asses kicked in their 6th year.
JEERS to cutting the lifeline. This is terrible: the Marine Corps is leaving soldiers behind on the battlefield... of mental fatigue:
Scores of combat veterans...are being dismissed from the Marines without the medical benefits needed to treat combat stress, says Lt. Col. Colby Vokey, who supervises the legal defense of Marines in the western USA, including here at Camp Pendleton.
When classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) arise---including alcoholism and drug abuse---the veterans are punished for the behavior, Vokey says. Their less-than-honorable discharges can lead to a denial of VA benefits. Vokey calls it a Catch-22, referring to the no-win situation showcased in Joseph Heller's 1961 satirical war novel Catch-22. "The Marine Corps has created these mental health issues" in combat veterans, Vokey says, "and then we just kind of kick them out into the streets."
But don't nobody go comparin' Iraq to Vietnam. That would be too, um, scary accurate.
JEERS to the destructive power of C&J. Says here that worker productivity hit the skids in the third quarter. We take full responsibility. Now back to not working, you beautiful slackers.
CHEERS to fond memories. On November 3, 1992, Bill Clinton defeated President George "Message: I Care" Bush to win the presidency. From his first Inaugural Address:
Americans deserve better, and in this city today there are people who want to do better, and so I say to all of you here, let us resolve to reform our politics, so that power and privilege no longer shout down the voice of the people. Let us put aside personal advantage, so that we can feel the pain and see the promise of America. Let us resolve to make our government a place for what Franklin Roosevelt called "bold, persistent experimentation, a government for our tomorrows, not our yesterdays." Let us give this capitol back to the people to whom it belongs.
Ick...these uniter types give me the heebie-jeebies.
CHEERS to story math problems. Tomorrow is November 4th. TV news icon Walter Cronkite is celebrating his 90th birthday. Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is celebrating her 60th. You only have enough money for one gift. What fraction of a second will it take to conclude that Cronkite deserves the gift more than... Wow, that was fast.
JEERS to "The Dictator." Y'know, for me the happiest result to come from a Democratic takeover of Congress will be the ouster of James Sensenbrenner as chairman of the Judiciary Committee. As Rolling Stone confirms, he's 100 percent Republican dirtbag:
No politician better embodies the zealotry of the 109th Congress than Sensenbrenner, chairman of the powerful House Judiciary Committee. His solution to hot-button issues is always the same: Lock 'em up. Sensenbrenner has proposed legislation that would turn 12 million undocumented immigrants into felons, subject any adult selling a joint to a teenager to at least ten years in prison, and incarcerate college kids for failing to narc on their hallmates. [...]
Sensenbrenner's iron-fisted rule of the judiciary committee was on nationwide display last year during a televised debate over reauthorization of the Patriot Act. When Democrats began discussing the treatment of detainees at Guantanamo, the chairman abruptly ended the meeting and cut off their microphones. When Democrats refused to leave the room, Sensenbrenner's staff pulled the plug on C-Span and turned out the lights. As The Daily Show host Jon Stewart put it, "He literally took his gavel and went home."
My wish is that, just once, when the de-fanged thug is speaking during a committee hearing next year, chairman John Conyers has the stones to momentarily cut off his mic and turn out the lights, saying: "How do ya like it now, pal?"
CHEERS to the official vegetable of C&J. 54 years ago, Clarence Birdseye first marketed frozen peas. We hate, hate, hate the taste. But, coupled with a spoon, they make awesome catapult fodder at the dinner table. "Take that, Gran'ma!"
CHEERS to the Fallen Angel of the Day. Pastor Ted Haggard, the president of the National Association of Evangelicals and only slightly less influential (and rabid) than James Dobson, has been accused of having a "sex business" relationship with a hooker for three years. Oh, of course the hooker is gay. Okay, everyone set your watches: Three...Two...One..."I was molested as a child and I'm entering rehab!" Ya gotta hand it to creepy people: at least they're punctual.
P.S. The old media is gnawin' on this like a dawg on a bone. Goody Goody.
JEERS to hiding behind the bottle. Speaking of rehab... Even though his 30-day "dryout" period has been completed, Mark Foley will remain in seclusion at least until, oh, I'd expect next Wednesday. I've been keeping him company by exchanging text messages:
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BiPM: what R U wearing? Mf54: Str8jacket
BiPM: How u typing? Mf54: toz
BiPM: kewl. R the lambs screaming, clarice? Mf54: not funny
[Mf54 has logged off]
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Something I said?
CHEERS to finding the firebug. Police finally caught up with the loon who started the California blaze that killed five firefighters. If convicted, 36 year-old Raymond Oyler could fry. That would be poetic justice, but we have another solution: make him spend the rest of his life in leg irons fighting wildfires.
CHEERS to political, social, sexual and every other kind of incorrectness there is. The movie Borat opens today and it's already one of the best-reviewed movies ever at Rottentomatoes.com. The scary part: some of our friends on the right will call it a fine piece of journalism.
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 3, 2005...
CHEERS to the smell of blood in the water. U.S. News & World Report tells Democrats to hang in there, because signs point to better times ahead:
Strategists tell [Washington] Whispers that party leaders are drawing up a theme of community and change aimed at seizing voters upset with what they see as government ineptness, selfishness, and cronyism. [...]
"This is about being in it together," says Democratic National Committee pollster Cornell Belcher. His research---provided to Whispers---shows that even Bush voters are eager for change and anxious to rebuild that old community feeling, especially after Hurricane Katrina. "Americans didn't like what they saw," he says. "This isn't their idea of America." There's more, he says: From the war in Iraq, to energy prices, to the budget, those he polled felt "they were sold a bill of goods...This is the opening for a sea change."
Now the hard part: teaching our team how to do more than stick their big toe in the water. (Here's a hint: "CANNONBALL!!")
JEERS to America's new export. Guess what, everybody? We're in the gulag business! In your face, Josef Stalin! "USA! USA!" (Be sure to stop by the gift shop---there's a sale on human pyramid snow globes.)
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a preview of our weekend. A rum and Coke, a seedy tavern, raucous friends...and BAR MONKEY!!!! Hey, no wisecracks...he's my cousin.
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Have a great weekend. The next time we meet the world will be a very different place. My official prediction: we gain 25 House seats, 6 Senate seats, 6 governorships, and a whole lotta sanity. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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