Kossacks, I've been your online neighbor for 13 months now, and I think it's time that I shared a secret with you.
I have amazing, dangerous, awe-inspiring powers. Really. I'm serious. Six in ten Americans are scared shitless of me. Or, they pretend to be afraid because they think God or their President wants them to be.
I am capable of single-handedly destroying the whole institution of marriage, of mocking the union between a man and a woman, of inspiring activist judges to metaphorically bitchslap their state constitutions and "legislate from the bench" in complete defiance of the separation between American branches of government.
I can even bring to a screeching halt everything that is moral, Christian and God-fearing. Indeed, whole religions are vulnerable to the awesome powers I possess.
And I can select any woman I choose (assuming she is a diehard Barry Manilow fan misunderstood by her own boyfriend/husband) and make her my best friend. She will dote over me, insist that she's not trying to change me, sing "Mandy" to me, and love me unconditionally.
Bwwaaaaaaaaaaah!
I am a menace to society.
My gayness gives me these powers. And hence, to keep me from completely destroying all that is good and civil in the world, you must prevent me, electorally, from marrying within my own kind.
"My own kind," in fact, have been strategically installed in places you'd never suspect -- on your streets, in your families, among your colleagues. I have arranged for them to walk among you in every corner of the planet -- even here on Daily Kos. You might think you know who they are, but you don't. Not really.
Some of them hide it really well, so as to not raise your suspicion. But I'll give you a hint: be very wary of the words "Republican" and "Evangelical." And for Godsakes, never, under any circumstance, should you respond to an instant message that reads, "Do I make you horny?".
Me, I've devilishly integrated myself into your "normal" society. I've built a successful business. I've become a friend to many. I go to your bars, watch your football games, drink your beer, listen to your country music (when I've tired of Barry), eat at your restaurants and drive on your roads.
Have I mentioned, "Bwwaaaaaah"?
My powers have led twenty states to constitutionally dismiss me and my partner of 10+ years, and twelve more will attempt to do so in just 4 days. You may slow me down, but you will not stop me.
I am gay man. Hear me roar. In numbers too big to ignore.
Or something like that.
Are you scared yet? Would another "bwwaaaah" help?