In the 2004 election, the evangelical Christians, or "bible-humpers" as more unrefined folks would call them, surprised the country by coming out in droves and scoring a victory for American empire. (version 2.0. )
Their primary reason for impassioned political involvement was the fact that in many states, the gay marriage amendment was also on the ballot. Depraved homosexuals in wedding dresses...inside of the same places they baptize their children and mourn their loved ones in...the idea alone brought them bowel-shaking earthquakes of anxiety and nausea. This guttural disdain got them out to the polls when the election came around.
Fast forward 2 years...
Ted Haggard...the man who has been credited with rallying the evangelicals in the last election and has literally been called "the leader of the Evangelical movement" is busted buying Crystal Meth and plowing male prostitute Mike Jones while he's tweaked out.
No not that Mike Jones, although that would make an already side-splittingly funny story even funnier.
No, this Mike Jones:
Not my type, but hey...to each his own.
I love this type of news story. Here you have this smug, holier-than-thou motherfucker preaching how homosexuality is depraved and sinful...all while taking dongs to the chin from man-whores and shooting crank.
Man. That picture is pretty incriminating. Only a matter of time til someone photoshops something in his holy hands.
So anyway, I wanted to research the guy a little bit. To Wiki I go.
Here's some excerpts:
Theology
Haggard believes in what is known as the Third Wave of the Holy Spirit and subscribes to the concept referred to as the Five-fold ministry -- beliefs often associated with the charismatic movement. He believes that there is one, all-knowing God, and that humans were created to be with him. His beliefs reflect biblical inerrancy and biblical literalism.
Teachings on homosexuality
Under Haggard's leadership, the NAE released "For the Health of the Nation: An Evangelical Call to Civic Responsibility" in the fall of 2004, "a document urging engagement in traditional culture war issues such as abortion and gay marriage but also poverty, education, taxes, welfare and immigration." The NAE has stated, "Homosexual activity, like adulterous relationships, is clearly condemned in the Scriptures."
Quotations:
"George W. Bush will be known as the man who stood up to Islamic fundamentalism being used to tyrannize their own people, so that in another hundred years, in the Islamic world, he'll be viewed as a great liberator."
"We fully embrace the scientific method as American evangelicals, and we think, as time goes along, as we discover more and more facts, that we'll learn more and more about how God created the heavens and the earth."
"The spirit of the Lord woke me in the middle of the night and powerfully spoke to me. He told me that if we could mobilize 1,000,000 intercessors to pray for Saddam Hussein, he would leave Iraq, thus avoiding the need for a war."
Apparently the "spirit of the Lord" was Mike Jones.
Who? Mike Jones. Who? Mike Jones.
Anyway, after reading his Wiki article I was so inspired by his words that I wanted to contact him personally.
I went to his website and got his contact info:
Pastor Ted Haggard
New Life Church
11025 Voyager Parkway
Colorado Springs, CO 80921
Phone: 719-594-6602
Fax: 719-548-9000
I call the number and a young woman answers:
"New Life Church how can I direct your call?"
"Oh Hi! My name is Jack Watley and I was interested in purchasing some crystal meth and/or soliciting sex from a gay prostitute! Whaddya think?"
"click."
I called back two hours later, they have a voicemail. I left them a nice message.
I highly suggest you contact them as well.
In conclusion, I have a message for the fundamentalist Evangelical Christians:
Your 15 minutes of fame are over. Take your functionally retarded self-righteous asses and walk off a fucking cliff. The end is here. You've helped to create the "hell on earth." Call Mike Jones, get yourself some meth, and fucking rapture yourselves.
Goodbye. God Bless.