What can possibly bring together Israelis and Palestinians, Jews and Muslims? Nothing, you say? When will peace and common ground be found? Perhaps, you say, with hard work and luck, we can make slow incremental progress in the next few generations?
Wrong.
It's all so simple. Peace today is possible. Because nothing can bring mankind together more strongly than a common hatred and fear of homosexuals. Witness the
heartwarming joining of ultra-orthodox Jews and Muslims, normally arch-enemies, united in common cause against a gay pride march planned for Jerusalem:
Ultra-Orthodox Jewish pop singer Benny Elbaz was so angry about the gay pride march planned for tomorrow that he joined forces with a Muslim man he normally would consider an enemy, to sing a duet he composed denouncing the event.
"Jerusalem Will Burn!" Elbaz croons in Hebrew on the single, released the week before the parade. "There will be no gay march!"
Religious Jews and Muslims are on the opposite ends of the political spectrum on most issues, especially over who should control the contested city of Jerusalem, which Israelis and Palestinians both claim as their capital. But Jews, Muslims, and even some Christians have formed a common front against Jerusalem's gay community, whose planned march they say besmirches the city.
Jewish and Muslim and Christian leaders are uniting, and their riots and threats of violence against gays are a heartwarming vision of peace and brotherhood.
But sadly, their efforts at intimidation have been too good, their newfound common cause too well championed--the gay pride march has been cancelled, deemed too disruptive. What will become of this groundbreaking brotherhood between Jew and Muslim when the immediate threat of gay marchers fades? Renewed animosity, renewed polarization, renewed chaos.
So here's what I propose: Homophobia for Peace in the Middle East. It rhymes! Once a month, perhaps once a week if needed, force two men to publicly kiss at a holy shrine. A different shrine each week, cycling between Jewish, Muslim, and Christian. Alert religious leaders ahead of time, providing time for them to form a multicultural enraged mob to tear the homosexuals limb from limb. Joined in hatred, sated with gay bloodletting, the warring factions of Israel and Palestine may finally be able to embrace each other as brothers.
UPDATE - As LarryinNYC points out, "Homophobia for Peace in the Middle East" doesn't quite rhyme. So I'm now going with the hipper, and more strongly rhyming, "Homophobia for Peace in the Middle Eas'." Thanks for the feedback.