For those of you visiting DailyKos for the first time, I want to welcome you, and explain some of our beliefs. No doubt, many of you are curious about the agenda of the liberal left Democrat Party that has now taken over the country. I thought I'd give you a primer. Those of you from the mainstream media are welcome to quote me. This is what we plan to do:
-Tax. Raise taxes on everything. Because we love taxes. We want to tax people into poverty to pay for our expensive agenda.
-Spend. Throw money at every problem. It is our belief that anything can be solved if we spend enough money on it. Your money.
-Take away your guns. All guns. Hunting rifles, bb guns, squirt guns. All guns. And bows and arrows, too.
-Ban Nascar. It wastes gas. We will establish new sporting events. Like tree-hugging.
-Mandate abortions. We love them. Everyone should have one. Retroactive abortions for all registered Republicans.
-Legalize drugs. All drugs. And dispense them at schools. Because it's important that children learn the wonders of opiates.
-Legalize bestiality. Nothing we want more than hot man-on-dog sex! It's the logical extension of our Gay Agenda.
-Expand welfare. We hate work. We want to subsidize laziness. We can use all that money you've saved to help people spend their time sitting on their couches, taking drugs, and watching television.
-Open the borders. Everybody's welcome. And you'd better stock your refrigerators, because we'll be putting up new immigrants in your homes. Learn Spanish. You'll need it.
-Socialize industry. All industry. Form corporations and farms into collectively owned communes. They will be run by local councils. We will call these councils Soviets.
-Ban religion. Because we hate God. And Moral Values. We will seize your churches and turn them into crack houses and dens of iniquity. Actually, you might not notice much of a difference. And that holiday you'll be celebrating at the end of December? Enjoy it, because it will be your last chance. We're banning that, too.
-Ban marriage. You tried to defend it. You lost. Too bad. We hate families.
-Reform education. Our comprehensive package will include: mandatory school uniforms of tye-dyes, muslin, and beads; hands-on sex ed; compulsory weekly combination flag burning ceremonies and tofu-weenie roasts; and, most dangerous of all, we will teach your children to read.
-Ban Fox News. Such fair and balanced reporting has been the only obstacle to complete liberal control of the media. But don't worry about Rush Limbaugh. We will keep him on. When he understands that the winds have changed, he will carry our water as effectively as he has carried yours.
-Make friends with the terrists. Because we are weak. And we hate America. If they want, we will give them some states. Maybe Texas. Maybe the whole South. We'll let the U.N. decide. You'll recognize them by their black helicopters. And we'll also give them weapons of mass destruction. Because we hate America.