I'm telling you, if you took the time to read James Carville's new book "How to keep Democrats in office by keeping masterminds in D.C." you would really understand what he is trying to do with this whole Howard Dean thing.
Chapter I
The first thing you have to understand it that I, James Carville - the absolute Ragin Cajun himself is about as good at winning elections as anybody. If you want to win an election you hire me, because I'm that good. And if you can't hire me, than somebody I know, a buddy, because they know me and they are that good, and I get myself a little bit of a kickback. You see James needs to money. I live in this mansion in the D.C. area and the upkeep is a bitch. And my wife Mary, she's a clothes horse. I don't know why, ain't nothing gonna make that bitch look good. And I ain't won an important election since 1992 - good thing we had that god damned movie.
But in this chapter I want to talk to you about perhaps that most important threat to Democrats and democracy. What the hell do we do if the democrats actually win and the Ragin' Cajun or none of his friends got nothing to do with it. We got to all work together on this, so please read on.
Now my wife Mary, she says that we don't have to worry about the democrats winning because it just ain't gonna happen, and Mary's got some good political connections. We got a good one trick pony show going where we show up on Russert and he pays us lots of money and I talk about what sad sacks the democrats are, and it's best if we can keep that going. James does like his money. But then I got to ask myself what happens if the impossible happens and the democrats do win without me. Now this is a threat to the two party system because it means I won't get any more contracts, I have to give up my house and leave D.C. (cause it means Mary's out of a job too), and maybe have to go back to flipping burgers (don't worry all my fans, this will not happen, there are people with lots of money who owe me favors - but you know what they say, if you want a friend in Washington get a dog - oh, I forgot, I've got Mary. Just kidding there daaahhhhllling. Well, I wish she would do some things like a dog. You know having sex with Mary is like having sex with the Wicked Witch of the West.
Oh, back to what I was saying there about what to do if the democrats win and I'm not a part of it. Now we can't let me move away from Washington because corporal cue ball is the best thing that ever happened to the democratic party. The democrats should have a strategy - and that strategy should be to make it all about me. That's it, it's always got to always be about me. I just go right out there and say something absolutely outrageous, like the person who was responsible for the election victory - say the screamer Howard Dean or some candy ass like that - I say he wasn't really responsible. I say that he was actually a negative. You see right here I'm being very politically adept and this is worth the price of the book right there. On the one hand I'm smearing the person who won the election so he doesn't get any of that delicious money, and at the same time I'm gonna make it all about James Carville. Nobody's going to be talking about the great election and all that, they're all going to be talking about the Ragin' Cajun. And that's the name of the game folks.
I might say something like we would just remove Howard Dean as head of the DNC, even though it's absolutely impossible and would be stupid as hell after a victory. And you know what, those netroot people, they'd just go right out and take that bone and run without and be shouting James this, and James that, and Russert and Matthews and even that little Greek twerp (he was always trying to take my credit) would have me on their shows and James Carville is going to be everywhere, even though I had nothing to do with this election. And people are going to associate winning with James Carville (even though I married the wicked witch of the west) and you know what that means folks - MORE MONEY FOR THE RAGIN' CAJUN - and I'm telling that will save the democratic party as I explained before. Now those netroots people are really gonna get angry at this cause they're a bunch of puissant true believers who don't understand that in the end it's all about money. I can't help chortling at that, can't help being Lucy pulling that old football away. Don't that mean that I deserve money. Hell, it's they're own fault. If they really didn't want me to do this stuff they would set up an ACTJAMES page so I could live in style with Mary. Oh, to hell with that, I still need to make it all about James.
Now on to chapter two, how to make sure James makes money no matter what the political circumstances.