From the top floor of Cheers and Jeers MONDAY
World Headquarters, in the true-blue state of Illinois.....
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and berries, wankers, spankers, and pervs, I give you, the Princess of Longboat Key, Katherine Harris!!!
Don't cry for me, Sarasota,
The truth is, I never left you.
Through all my wild days,
My mad existence,
I kept my promise,
Don't keep your distance....
Yes, her political career has been sent into oblivion, as we all expected--but I would be remiss if I did not pay tribute to the women who singlehandedly lent comic relief to a tense 2006 election season. So let's all stop and take a moment to thank her for the nearly infinite snark opportunities she gave us!
My special tribute to the Princess starts in the extended copy section....(Swoosh!).....Right NOW! (Gong!)
DISCLAIMER: AAbshier's Cheers and Jeers are not affiliated in any way, shape, or form, with Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers. The use of the words JEERS and CHEERS , the swoosh/gong device, pie references, lusty wenches, mattress references, insults to Armando (wherever he is), and flicked peas are all used with permission of Bill in Portland Maine and the members of the C&J Café community. Any further resemblances to BiPM`s Cheers and Jeers are deliberately coincidental. So there.
Katherine Harris, Pure. Comedy. Gold: The First Final Episode!
The campaign began on August 9th, 2005, on the friendly confines of Hannity and Colmes:
Thrusting her chest forward and twitching her shoulders like an aging sex kitten, Harris gave what must have been her most inviting smile when she said, "We look so much forward to talking about the issues... It's all about listening... It's not about appearances. It's about effectiveness."
Right. And if the guys won't back you on your record, it's about using whatever tools you have.--from the Newshounds blog.
"With a paltry legislative record, and receiving campaign contributions from a contractor embroiled in the Duke Cunningham scandal, Harris is clearly banking her Senate campaign on two things: her spectacular breasts." -Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones
From C&J Monday, April 17, 2006: You know, I really didn't realize that her two main, ah, campaign assets were so.....prominent. Oh, and the pink cowboy boots? How.....RuPaul:
There followed after her announcement a series of gaffes, bleeps, and blunders that came at us so hard and fast it became challenging just to keep up with them all. A selection:
August 22nd, 2005: Jeers to bad planning on her campaign's part. Her Senate campaigned kicked off at a school in Manatee County that did NOT give her permission for use of her facilities--so her bright-eyed campaign staff bused in some kids from other schools for the TV cameras. An alert reporter for WMNF radio in Tampa called them on it, and, of course, a Harris staff member said there was a "misunderstanding". Heh. (Thanks to Interstate4Jammingfor the tip)
"Some people call you crackers. I call you my base!"
March 27th, 2006: Jeers to the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing. The Princess made a big splash last week on Hannity and Colmes by announcing that she would stake her father's entire legacy--$10 million--on her Senate race. Er, not so fast, says campaign spokesman Morgan Dobbs:
"It is my understanding from her statements that she does not plan to use inherited money on the campaign -- rather, money from liquidating her personal assets, which she says total $10 million."
(The Princess ended up spending only $3.2 million on her campaign, which presumably did not include Daddy's inheritance. Heh.)
May 15, 2006: Jeers to comedy gold denied. Over the weekend, Harris went to a gun range to get recertified for carrying a concealed weapon. While the press was invited to watch, her campaign spokesman, Chris Ingram, prevented the media from getting photos of the pistol packin' Princess firing her .38 special, calling it a "distraction" even while a campaign photographer fired (OK, snapped) away. In so doing, Ingram pissed off the media and the Pasco County Republican chairman, who organized the event. (Update: Someone did catch it on video!)
"I wish her well. And I will be endorsing her -- if I have not already done so. I think I already have, but I will be, I am sure, campaigning with her."--Mel Martinez (As far as I can determine, he never did an appearance with her.)
June 9, 2006: Cheers to the Princess keeping her finger on the pulse of America, helping her campaign stay in the 20s in her Senate race! Only someone as uniquely bone-headed as the Princess would do an appearance in favor of the Federal Marriage Amendment, on the same day it could not even pass a cloture vote in the Senate with a majority. But people stay true to form, after all:
Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., right, with, from left, Rep. Katherine Harris, R-Fla., Pastor Rev. William Owens Founder and President of the Coalition of African American , and Family Research Council President Tony Perkins, speaks in a news conference on Capitol Hill to support the Marriage Protection Amendment, Tuesday, June 6, 2006, in Washington. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)
June 16, 2006: Jeers to Shoeless Katherine. This was posted on the KC Buzz Blog,on the Kansas City Star's website:
A strapping young man in a tie hurried across the Capitol complex Wednesday afternoon holding a stylish pair of mid-heel blue-and-white ladies' shoes.
"I've got to get these to someone who needs to get on the floor to vote," he explained after a getting a series of odd looks.
"Who do you work for?" asked a Capitol Police officer.
"Congresswoman Katherine Harris of Florida," said the young man.
What does the Princess do with her shoes once she is at her House office?
Katherine Harris crazy:
(n.) As insanely optimistic as Congresswoman Katherine Harris. Usually characterized by an overly optimistic estimation of someone's chances of achieving success.
Did you hear Jim just bought 500 dollars in lottery tickets? That boy is Katherine Harris crazy if he thinks he's going to hit the jackpot.--from the Urban Dictionary
Cheers to programmable cell-phone ringtones. A former staffer for the Princess told the Miami Herald that he had a special ringtone for calls from his boss. The ringtone he chose: the theme from the motion picture The Exorcist!
June 15, 2006: Cheers to shanking the attack. In a letter to supporters, the Princess attacked Bill Nelson for his support of the immigration reform bill, declaring him "soft on immigration". But here's the best part:
The legislation was created and championed by Sen. Mel Martinez, of Orlando, one of few Republican leaders anywhere who supports her.
Ooops.
"I have to take a deep breath. I don't think I've taken one yet. I'm just so excited. I just have to take a few minutes to come down."--Katherine Harris
July 5, 2006: You know the Princess is going to need a new career after January 1st, 2007. Yesterday, in Stuart, Florida, Scripps photographer Matthew Ratajczak discovered it:
Her future is in television evangelism!
I mean, look at her. She has the role nailed. Nailed.
I pray in the name of Jay-zus of Naz'reth, that you grant Sister Katherine the strength to always hold her head and her chest high, and I command that demon wottle to leave her neck! [/blasphemy]
"I believe the reason she's running are two. She doesn't believe ever that she has done anything wrong and she has an ego that's so outsized it won't allow her to think in a reasonable manner."--Jim Dornan, former Katherine Harris campaign manager (#2 in the series)
August 17, 2006: Jeers to endorsements in her own head, or campaign staffs' heads. From this morning's St. Petersburg Times:
In the U.S. Senate primary, Rep. Katherine Harris has been touting key political endorsements from fellow Republican lawmakers. The problem is, some of them never endorsed her.
Several members of the U.S. House called the Harris campaign to complain Wednesday after the St. Petersburg Times notified them of the endorsements listed on Harris' Web site. Minutes later, their names were removed.
Apparently the Princess told staffers to list the endorsements even if the erstwhile endorsers had not given their endorsements in writing. The more the staff changes, the more things remain the same.
Jeers to worse snubbing bad. When Shrub flew into Pensacola to campaign for Florida Republicans, the Princess wanted to appear on stage with him--this while other Congressional candidates were diving for cover nationwide--but the White House staff wouldn't allow her to be seen on stage with the President. Just think of the implications of that.
Here she is out in the crowd. And doesn't the crowd look enthusiastic?
"We'll win, so don't listen to the prognosticators, or the pollsters - you can make a poll say anything you want."--Katherine Harris
Jeers to election night delusion. The AP called the Senate race for Nelson at approximately 8:20PM, but the Princess didn't make it down for her concession speech until after 10PM. Why? Right up to the end she had not believed that she would lose!
Harris believed it so much that she did not start writing her first-ever concession speech until after The Associated Press had called the race for Nelson after 8 p.m., she said late Tuesday.
"I absolutely had not thought one word about the speech to give tonight until I went up to my bedroom," she said of the speech she wrote with her spokeswoman, Jennifer Marks.
When asked later if she had any plans for future campaigns:
She also couldn't say whether she again would run for public office.
"I haven't even thought about it," Harris said. "I thought I was going to be in the U.S. Senate tonight."
Cheers to bowing out mostly with grace and class. Aside from a shot at the "liberal media" the Princess's last-minute concession speech was far less maudlin and far more conciliatory than a lot of us would have imagined. But I still wish I was a fly on the wall for the behind-the-scenes, er, scene. (video of the speech is here)
So long, Katherine, and thanks for all the laughs! The floor is open!
The photos below go with this week's poll:
The airport ramp look:
Ruffles have ridges:
How to stop the terrorists at the border:
Stumping for the trucker vote: