I was going through some of my profile stuff and realized I haven't written a diary in almost 3 months! I don't think I've ever been that long without writing at least SOMETHING. I'm trying to figure out why but, (sigh) I'm just tired. Not that satisfying kind of tired after doing something constructive or really fun. Not that relieved kind of tired after going through a hectic, busy part of your life where everything was crazy and you've finally come to a point of peace, no not that kind of tired. Not even that depressive kind of tired where you think the world is ending and you're drowning in despair. No, not that kind of tired.
why am I tired?
At first I wanted to say I've been living in a Fugue state for the last couple of months. Mostly because I really liked the sound of that word. Feuuuuuuug. It's one of those weird sounding words like Puce. Peuuuuuuuce. But I just looked it up and since I haven't developed additional personalities and still know who I am I guess that's not it.
I should be happy. I have a good job, my husband's got his visa and we're working on getting him a work permit. Democrats won big this month, even though they aren't going to step into power til January. I don't know, I can't shake off this feeling of disapointment in where we've come, and trepidation on where we're going.
4 years ago I'd never heard of extordinary rendition, or unitary executive, or waterboarding, or secret prisons. 4 years ago I'd never thought habeous corpus could be suspended or that my phone calls could be listened too without any judicial oversight. 4 years ago I'd never thought I'd ever see $2/gallon gas much less have a period where it was $3/gallon. 4 years ago it only cost me $50 a month to heat my apt during winter (now it's closer to $200). 4 years ago it would have never occured to me to think the President of the United States could stand before the American people and tell lies and distortions that end up costing thousands of American lives and Tens of thousands of Iraqi lives and hundreds of BILLIONS of dollars of public money, much wasted and mismanaged, and still see people on the television saying what a wonderful thing it was we did it anyway. 4 years ago I didn't know a shiite from a sunni from a hole in the ground, much less know why they would hate each other enough to murder innocents in public streets.
So much has happened and I've been angry for so long and everytime I think it can't possibly get any worse, another tragedy or outrage falls from on high and lands right on my heart like a lead brick. There is no more innocence for me. No more carefree celebration of a free life and pride in being an citizen of such a world power. So much has been done, and so much has needs to be undone. So much has been torn down, and so much needs to be rebuilt and our shiny new majority is so untested. Will they have the courage to make the hard decisions? Will they have the stamina to wear down their opposition?
And I am so tired. I'm tired of being angry. I am tired of being outraged. I'm tired of worrying about the future. I just want things to get better. I want to believe that we can all get past this. I want to be proud of the U.S of A again. I want to forget those new words I'd never heard before.
I want my country back.