Al Gore lost it when back in 'ought
And he didn't leave much to Dems and me
Just this whining voice and a load of Jewish mother jokes
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me Veep
Well, he must o' thought that is was quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk
It seems I had to fight the whole campaign steep
Some neocon would giggle and I'd get red
And some Naderite'd laugh and I'd bust his head
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named Veep
Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean
My fist got hard and my wits got keen
I'd roam from town to town to hide my views
But I made me a vow to my loves and hates
That I'd search the caucus and primary states
And kill that man got me in that awful stew
Well, it was Harlem in mid-December
And I just hit bottom and my bank account was dry
I thought I'd stop and move myself up a heap
In a small state on a layer of snow
There at the top, waving to me below
Sat the dirty, mangy Gore that named me Veep
Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet Al
From a worn-out scrapbook that my mother'd had
And I knew that scar on his face from his computer brain
He was big and proud and serious and bold
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold
And I said: "My name is Joe! How do you do? Now you gonna feel pain!"
Well, he hit me hard right between the eyes
And I went down but, to my surprise
I come up with an ache and whimpered through my tears
But I locked my phone across the street
So he couldn't call and try to talk sweet
Standing endorsing the frontrunner I fears
I tell ya, I've campaigned with better men
But I really can't remember when
He ran like a mule and he talked like a computer
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss
He went to endorse and I spilled tears first
He stood there lookin' at me and I heard him tutor
And he said: "Joe, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I know I wouldn't be there to help your bender
So I nominated ya and I said good luck
I knew you'd have to get tough or suck
And it's my choice that helped to make you a contender"
He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do
But ya ought to thank me, before I die
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you Sue."
I got all choked up and I threw down my principles
And I called him my mentor, and he called me his disappointment
And I come away with a different point of view
And I think about him, now and then
Every time I try and every time I lose
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Howard or Wesley! Anything but Joe! I still hate that name!