For those who are familiar with my posts, I reserve Sunday for personal things. When it comes down to it, I love writing about me the most. It's self-reflection of the greatest sort, which is why I love it so much. For those who feel that these type of posts do not belong on DailyKos, remember that every aspect of life can be linked back to politics. If our personal lives are not formed by politics and the effects that it has on us, why do we care so much? We care so much because is DOES form every fiber of our body. I have all week to focus on politics exclusively anyway.
Well, I had the pleasure of visiting for the very first time a queer club. For those D.C. natives out there, I went to Apex, which is one of the more popular queer clubs in the city. I wasn't sure what to expect. I kinda was hoping to be hit on, because well not having a boyfriend is beginning to be a very lonely and frustrating thing.
I finally worked up the nerve to go up to a guy and start dancing with him. Hah, me dancing it's a sight (odd sight, but a sight nonetheless)! Actually given a few drinks I can get pretty creative. But for the past year know I've experienced this tenseness in everything I do that hasn't gone away. It's a feeling that makes you feel as if you are being constantly judged. Anyway the guy turned around, obviously not wanting to dance. Part of shrugged this off as just a part of life, so people like you, others dont. Another part of me however made me conclude that I just wasn't worth it period.
I'm extremely proud of my slim south asian figure, but I still have very large insecurities about myself. Recently I've "gone backward" in who I want to be. I'm no longer as open and secure about myself as I used to be. It's a really frustrating thing in that it's holding me back and I'm allowing it to. I HATE allowing things to hold me back. My insecurities about my body image and my insecurities about my chances at a relationship are directly influencing my effectiveness as an activist and the change that I can make as an individual, and contribute to the progressive struggle as a whole.
My life seems torn between things, and I don't know how I can merge them. Take social actism for example. Social activism is my life, and there is absolutely nothing more in my life that I would love to do more. It is what forms every breath in my body, and inspires every post I make, every action I perform.
At the same time however, I feel as if I have to choose between my social activism and having a social life. I'm not content with my social life because it is missing a main component that I want, which is a boyfriend.
What does a boyfriend represent? A boyfriend represents companionship, comfort, support, care, kindness and fun. It's the vitals that keeps an activist from getting too wrapped up in work. Every activist needs to pinpoint the people, romantic friend, friend or family, that they can turn to when they need a break.
I'm more mature than to say that if only I "looked better" I could get a boyfriend. I look fine, I look totally fine, but I DO know that there is something in my mode of thinking that devalues myself and dictates to me that I have no chances at a relationship. That little voice also points out small things about my body that I find unattractive myself: my slightly round stomach, that mark on my face that I still haven't gone to the dermatologist about, why my feet always feels like a caveman's feet (ok exaggeration) and you get the idea.
I TOTALLY also understand that insecurities never go away, and I want someone to like me for all of me, not as some wrapped up and pretty product to be bought. These things hold me back, and before you question me posting this here on DailyKos, think of the very same general feeling that you have felt in your own life. Think of those insecurities, pinpoint them and write them down. When you're done writing them down, take them and rip them and then burn it.
These insecurities are hindrances to our progressive movement and our progressive community. The fact that I am a gay person of color does not and will not affect my mentality of who I am even if it effects how people react to me and interact with me.
These insecurities will not take me and control me. I resist them and I will fight them. We need to resist and fight these inner conflicts within ourselves if we stand any chance of unleashing a truly powerful progressive wave. What is freedom if it is not self-freedom. Freedom is not freedom until one experiences it in every aspect of the word.
Author's Note: My name is Kevin Ballie, a student at American University (AU). I happen to work at the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Ally (GLBTA) Resource Center at AU. My area of activism centers particularly around GLBT activism. My goal is to write diaries on DailyKos as a regular update concerning issues facing the GLBT community. I sincerely hope to gain a readership base of committed GLBT activists and our supporters. Such a base will only enhance DailyKos and provoke greater thought. Just as a note, I may use terms like gay, lesbian, bisexual transgender (GLBT) or queer (a substitute for GLBT).