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Thursday, February 5, 2004
From THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 5, 2004
CHEERS to Mass. Supremes. Justices say gay marriage ruling sticks because civil rights are non-negotiable. While same-sex couples register at Pfaltzgraf amid wafting strains of Muzak, conservatives' heads pop off their bodies, revealing multi-tentacled Aliens of Doom. And awaaaay we go...
CHEERS to Capt. John Powell (1729-1795). Battle of Lexington hero provides my gay marriage rallying cry: "Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here." It was either that or "This hairdryer's loaded and I know how to use it."
JEERS to George Tenet. CIA chief says today that intelligence isn't a "crystal ball." True...but the problem is you guys were making your WMD judgments with this: http://www.mattelgames.com/magic8/flash_index.asp
CHEERS to in-cell doily-making workshops. Star witness in Martha Stewart case spills the beans, saying she immediately sold all her Imclone stock after getting insider tip. But there's an upside: she's an `autumn,' so she'll look smashing in orange.
CHEERS (that is NOT a misprint) to staunch conservatives. Whaddya know...they've figured it out, too: Bush is wrecking the country and they're plenty pissed. The enemy of my enemy is my friend...but don't expect Massachusetts wedding invitations in your mailbox anytime soon.
JEERS to the reality-challenged. Donald Rumsfeld says he STILL thinks WMDs are in Iraq. Here's a "known known," Don: you're a blockhead.
CHEERS to Dick Cheney. Veep records new hip-hip single from his undisclosed location: "If bombing you is wrong, I don't want to be right." Billboard expects it to go to number one with a...um...bullet.
JEERS to Cal Thomas. Ultra-conservative Bible-thumper reveals his red, lacy undergarments made by Hypocrisy, Inc. with this line in today's column: "to ask such questions [about the detrimental effects of Bush's policies] is not a sign of disloyalty, but of true loyalty to principle." But when WE said that in '01, '02 and '03, we were accused of being unpatriotic supporters of terrorism. Oh well, let bygones be bygones. Please join us tonight for our Jihad Tupperware party.
CHEERS to Joe Trippi. Former Dean campaign manager looks rested, relaxed and---dare I say it---happy on MSNBC during Super Tuesday coverage. Amazing what getting 500 pounds of stress off your back can do.
JEERS to takebacks. Janet Jackson's Grammy invitation has been folded, spindled, mutilated and set on fire. In her place will be Levitra** spokesman Mike Ditka.
**Men who experience an erection for more than four hours should seek medical treatment. See our big fat penis-enhancing TV ad in Super Bowl XXXVIII. It's the one right after the farting horse and the monkey propositioning the woman for a little jungle bestiality.
JEERS to petty annoyances. I've had a tiny piece of toothbrush bristle stuck under my gum for two days. Now I know what drives leaders to start wars.
What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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