The further adventures of a blogger in Iowa.
Previous entries:
Perfect Storm Indeed!
Joe Trippi and the obscene phone bank
Things not to do while canvassing
Extended entry follows:
Day 4: Mission Impossible
I keep trying to think of the theme to Mission Impossible, but for some reason my brain is only feeding me the theme to People's Court. So get that in your head while you imagine sneaking into the bathroom at Dean Iowa Storm HQ with a pad of paper and a pen several times a day to copy, snippet by snippet, the long Shakespearian spoof posted at eye level there. I can't drink that much water. Here's what I have so far:
Woody. O that we now had in Iowa
But one then thousand of those swing voters in America
That do not caucus or vote anymore!
Gov. Howard Dean. What's he that wishes for?
My intern (name deleted to protect the guilty) No, my fair volunteer;
If we are mark'd to lose, we are now
To do our country loss, and if we to win,
The fewer staff, the greater share of honor.
Gods will! I pray theee, wish not one fence leaner more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for power,
Nor care I who doth laugh upon my spilled blood to change American
politics; it yearns me not if 527's or (candidate deleted to protect the guilty) staffers go neg. or steal
my spotlight, such DLC bull** dwells not in my desires.
There's a whole bunch more, but it ends this way:
And Patriots in America now a-bed
Shall think their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us for Dean in the 2004 caucus!
What a hoot!
So, yesterday, the longer-term volunteers got trained on how to deal with the expected few thousand or so weekenders coming in this coming weekend, and the weekend before the caucus. I have now been deputized as a Volunteer Coordinator. What this means is I herd cats and bellow commands. I have a good bellow, so this should work out nicely.
If you're coming to Iowa to work the Storm, here's what you should expect:
Upon walking in the door, you will immediately be herded over to the check-in desk. If it's not busy, you'll be checking in with someone at a computer. If it is busy, you'll be filling out a piece of paper with your information, which will then be entered into the computer later. You will be tagged with a wrist band. Make sure you get tagged. If you're not tagged, and you're just wandering around, you're liable to be shot and mounted. After you get tagged, you will immediately be herded into a holding pen, where you will wait until there's a big enough group of you to be herded into a training session.
Very important: If you have to do anything before going back out to canvass, do it now. Need to use the restroom? Do it now. Need to get a soda? Do it now. Need to change into a different shirt? Do it now. Once you get into training, you will be strongly encouraged to get right the hell back out of the building. This is nothing personal, mind you. It's just that it becomes complete chaos if we have people wandering around once they've been broken up into their canvassing groups. So go drain yourself now, please.
Once enough of you have accumulated, you'll be herded into a training room, where you'll be told how to read your walk sheets and maps and whatnot. You'll also be given some helpful tips, and there may be a couple of short role playing exercises to get everyone comfortable with the script. Remember, the script isn't gospel. You're really here to tell people your story. You'll also be informed of certain very important legal considerations. Please pay attention to those. They're important.
Once your training is done, you'll be broken up into groups of 4 or 8 (if I recall correctly). In each group, there must be a driver and a navigator. Drivers must either have their own vehicle, or must be 21 so they can check out one of the rentals. Navigators will be given the packet with the walk sheets. In the packet is an envelope for each person in the group. In one of the envelopes are all of the walk sheets for the group. You will divide them up amongst yourselves after you get out to your car. If the driver has his/her own vehicle, the driver and the rest of the people in his/her car will then proceed immediately to the car, while the navigator checks the whole group out at the check-out table. If the driver needs to pick up a rental, the group will wait off to the side, while the driver picks up the rental keys and the navigator checks everyone out at the check-out table. As soon as the driver has the keys the group goes out to the car to wait for the navigator. Clear?
This whole process is designed to minimize chaotic wandering. It's going to be wild in there and we need to maximize efficiency and, of course, minimize the chances of you being shot and mounted. Don't think those bright orange Iowa Perfect Storm hats you're getting will protect you either. They just make you easier to spot.
If you're going somewhere other than Des Moines, you should expect something that sort of resembles this, but with, perhaps, less chaos and less shooting.
Speaking of booty, in addition to those sytlish orange knit caps, you'll also be getting snazzy laminated credentials, featuring artwork by BFA blogger "michael in chicago." I spent the better part of the morning slicing most of those things up, so if you're wearing one of those things, there's a better than even chance I'm responible for it... unless it looks like crap, in which case, I don't know who did that.
One more helpful tip: For those of you driving in, parking in Des Moines is really farking odd. Nobody seems to understand the logic behind it but certain meters are illegal at certain times of day, and they are scattered in clusters here and there. Also certain lots around HQ are strictly forbidden land. One of the first things you will be asked is, "Where did you park?!" If you give the wrong answer you'll be shoved out the door to repark. There will be maps available indicating safe parking places. But here's the good news: parking tickets are only $15. I made this happy discovery myself just today. I don't think my meter had been expired for more than ten minutes, tops. I think those things must emit silent beacons to Des Moines' finest.
Tonight is meet-up, and after that, there's a free concert with The Flying Other Brothers. It's not a Dean benefit, really, as there's no charge, but it is a Dean publicity thing. Your orange Iowa Storm hat gets you your first beer free. I'm going to try to head on over there and see if they let me in with a camera. I'm sure any pictures I get over there are bound to be more interesting than this one:
That reminds me. You Atkins people had better bring a truckload of jerky. Ain't nuthin here for you.